So, I just caught up with Wolf 359 after having been behind a total of 15 episodes. Interestingly enough, what was causing me to procrastinate with listening was anxiety. I dreaded the idea of listening to it, but how doody am I glad I did.
Because let me say a little something.
Yes, give me alllll the backstory. Yes, I want to smother Eiffel, Anna, and Hera in hugs. Yes, the only other character who has caused such an instant and extreme dislike in me was Dolores Umbridge before I met Cutter and Price.
BUT. That is not my point.
Now, I love character defining episodes, and I love getting into the character’s pysche and learning just what makes them tick. But never, have I ever had an episode or character resonate with me as much as Hera did that episode.
I can’t do this. I’m not good enough.
I can’t begin to tell you how many times that line of “code” has run through my head over the years. Many, many, many times, I’m certain.
In recent months, I have figured out that I have a tendency to run a “negativethought.exe” so to speak. I run myself ragged with negative scenarios, negative thoughts, negative feelings.This is something that I have been working to improve, because at the end of the day I truly believe myself to be a happy and easygoing person.
What is interesting about this is that I have just finally begun to notice this in the past six months or so, but I believe that I have had this for far longer. It went unnoticed, buried deep in the subroutine of subconscious, smothered by daily “oh I’ve had a rough day/have allergies/am tired of course I’m going to feel off”. It wasn’t until I finally began to look that I saw it. And now that I see it, I’m working to change it.
This episode, this amazing piece of voice acting and writing, showcased that in a way I have never seen before.
I could feel Hera’s desperation as order after order poured in, and I knew what would happen before it did because I have lived through those scenarios before. I knew what Hera meant when she did not want to change herself even when given the opportunity to alter her memories because this was her take it or leave it; no matter how crappy I feel about myself I would not change me for the world because only I know me.
Maxwell wanting to fix something that can’t be fixed because a person cannot be simply rewritten like a line of code. Hera wanting to remain herself even when it risks the end of her. Everyone else, always wanting to change her because she doesn’t fit their ‘parameters’. Hera finding the source, then finding the strength to take it and work towards improvement, one day at a time.
This illustrates the real world so perfectly.
It is important to see how to yes, this is there! It has been there, it is still there! But that does not mean the end of the line. Because that is a line of code. YOU are the entire damn package and you can work towards saying
Yes, I can do this. I am good enough.
This was so incredibly important for me to hear, for me to take in so that I can continue to work with my own “coding”. So that I can see that it’s okay, so that I can see that I can do this.
This post is long, and horribly written, and the English major part of my brain is cringing.
But ultimately, I wanted to say thank you thank you Gabriel Urbina for writing such a powerful episode, and thank you Michaela Swee for well and truly bringing Hera to life.
Thank you to everyone in the Wolf359 cast. What you do means so, so much to me, and I appreciate you all.
