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ALINA LANINA as KSENIYA in GUARDIANS (2017) dir. Sarik Andreasyan

↳ requested by @myfaceclaimsandgifs

#zashchitniki #guardians #filmedit #bbelcher #cinemapix #dailyworldcinema #useroptional #userthing #requested #cinematvedit #by natalia

The other day I watched Защитники (Guardians in English) AKA the shitty Russian Avengers knockoff from 2017. Their version of Nick Fury is a blonde chick with a mullet and the actual "heroes” are Shitty Earthbender man, Black Widow but invisible, the Winter Soldier if he had swords and could teleport, and Bad CGI Bear Man.

he’s kinda hot when he isn’t a bear though (that’s him on the right)

Also the only subtitles I could find are horribly mistranslated

That second one is how they mangled the invisible lady saying she doesn’t age. Also the bad guy looks like a G.I. Joe action figure that got melted in a campfire:

Earthbender man’s uniform looks incredibly stupid, like a Viking cult leader Halloween costume:

This happens:

And ultimately they beat the villain by joining hands and shooting a giant fuckoff spirit bomb (which is a thing they can do, apparently??) and it’s supposed to be extremely painful but the bear guy just looks like he has to poop and the lady looks like she’s either singing karaoke or faking a disappointing orgasm:

this is one of the shittiest movies I have ever seen but the bear has a mini gun so it was all worth it

#guardians 2017 #zashchitniki #movies #a post by me™

I love superhero movies. And I just watched a masterpiece of campy fun. The Russian movie Zashchitniki aka Guardians.

The opening credits are a montage that already tells you this starts with a mad scientist experimenting on humans and they gained superpowers. This started at the end of WWII and was an active project all through the Cold War, but then got disbanded. Now however one of the scientists returns, and he has mastered taking control over machines and computers. His evil plan is now to build an antenna, highjack an old secret space station as a power source, boosting himself so he can control every machine, thus becoming ruler of the planet. muahahaHA!

Luckily the government is all “yo, there were this superhero types, go find them, so they can deal with this shit; mad scientist created them, so maybe one of them holds a grudge or something”. Lady Mayor is all “will do as asked” and so she hunts down those people. By searching the internet for supernatural phenomena and sightings on former USSR soil. And within ten minutes she locates four.

There is Ler who controls stones. Can make ‘em hover, fly, build armor around himself out of it. His weakness is, that sometimes he ran out of stones in combat... The next is Khan, super fast and he has two very special swords. The third guy is Arsus and he’s the best, because he just turns into a bear! Fuckyeah Russia!! He does so in two stages though, his first transformation is pretty much just his torso, so he turns into a bear-man. And then he can change more and turn into a fulltime bear. Of course such a team needs a woman. Kseniya can be invisible. But only in the water. Also she is heat resistent.

Every one of them gets one emotional conversation with Mayor Larina. A huge problem is that neither of them ages anymore. They’ve been around for 80+ years already. So Ler talks about his family and burying his daughter, when she died of old age. Khan had a brother who was a better fighter, but after the experiments they fought again and Khan killed him accidentally. Arsus reveals that it gets harder and harder remembering he’s human and a few more transformations and he might stay a bear forever. And Kseniya lost her memories in the 1970s, had to discover her gifts and lives a lonely life, but gets joy from performing in a circus (it’s the first emotional beat to be revealed and Larina looks at her with such compassion and the camera stays with her that I expected it would be revealed the Mayor is actually the secret/forgotten daughter of Kseniya and Arsus, but well in a hypothetical sequel still possible).

The four Guardians set out to capture the evil Kuratov, but he has pretty much laid out a trap, since somebody in the military is working with him. He breaks Ler’s back and leaves him to die, while capturing the other three. He created them, he knows their weaknesses!! dundundun

So the heroes need to be rescued themselves first. Happens pretty quick, because luckily an old professor colleague is still alive and is pretty sure which old secret base is used. He can restore Ler and then all four get supersuits and major upgrades. Kseniya can now turn invisible whenever (no more running naked through the rain) and even turn things invisible she touches. But the best is once again saved for Arsus. Bear gets a machine gun. And when he transforms into full bear form, the gun is programmed to fire at whatever he is focusing on in anger. IT’S WONDERFUL!

In the end the Guardians have to learn that they can combine their powers and defeat the bad guy with... an energy blast. Knocking down his tower of doom. Then they say their goodbyes on a bridge, saying the world isn’t ready for them, but they’d totally return if needed and Mayor Larina is all “btw I just found some more like you”.

So where is my sequel??

The film is only 90 minutes long and the director, writer and editor pretty much just checked some boxes on “fundamental superhero stuff”, without figuring out how to really connect the dots. But it’s all so earnest and hilarious, it’s a delight. Also for a five million dollar budget they knew where to set priorities. (The bear is so adorable, especially when he has to get his fat ass into an elevator.)

#Zashchitniki

Защитники (Zashchitniki) Meme: 2/5 Group Dynamic ↳ Sometimes a family is an earth bending monk, an assassin for hire, an amnesiac water women, a bear, and on occasion their secret agent mom, and that’s okay.

#Защитники #Zashchitniki #Guardians (2017)#So I love this group of weirdos #like this movie is so bad...#but I still love it?#myedits #mine*