An Unremarkable Hero
A/N: Just a little Hero of Time love in honor of all the glorious OOT remake rumors that I need to see to believe.
He wasn't anything special.
You sat perched in the corner of your shop, your foot rhythmically tapping the pedal of your sewing machine. Your eyeballs were laden with the weight of flailing them skyward so often.
"In the name of the goddesses, I'll tell you what, in Ganondorf's Hyrule, men like him don't exist. Those dreamy blue eyes and brawny muscles—Mamamu Yan continued to prattle on as you focused on fixing her dress. The same dress she brought in nearly every week because she refused to listen to your suggestion and allow you to alter it a size up. And so, every Thursday, like clockwork, she would bust through the door, her hips so wide they couldn't enter the door frame without swiping against the wood; she would stomp toward you and thrust her dress at you with a fresh new slit in the fabric right where it was meant to hold her thunderous buttocks together.
But it was a little different these days; thanks to a certain hunk of a "hero" trekking around Hyrule valiantly righting the wrongs of Ganondorf's tyranny. She clasped her arms together, and you watched as her cellulite rippled outward like the crimps of water at the edge of a lake.
Instead of coming in to ramble about her weird fetish with the fairy boy in green alone, she brought with her two friends who were equally as obnoxious and enamored. One of them joined in, "I heard he cleared out all the monsters in the forest up north."
Then the other friend also decided to voice her veneration. "Well, I heard that he single-handedly defeated that dragon at the top of Death Mountain!"
Mamamu Yan stuck her cylindrical bosoms outward. You watched as they flopped around with each movement, like the ears of her dog Richard chasing a cuckoo. In a huff, she supplemented, "Oh yeah? Well, have you been to Castle Town lately? Of course, who would go? But rumor has it those awful zombie creatures have been cleared out! By none other than him—"
All three women sighed, "Link!"
"Oh, for the love of Hylia—" you grumbled, no longer able to concentrate.
"Everything you lot have credited him for can easily be explained by nature. Those monsters in the northern forest? Vines thrive where moisture is abundant. And where else would moisture be more abundant than a forest that is so dense it gets no light and is covered in billabongs? It is a prime draw for Deku baba habitation. And that dragon? How do we know the Goron didn't destroy it? After all, they inherit the tip of the mountain; it is their home. And everyone knows redeads abhor light. What if he just walked into Castle Town with a lantern? Or anyone else for that matter?"
You hold Mamamu Yan's dress up as if it were a flag, admiring your handiwork. You pass her the dress but not without continuing your invective. "I'm sick of acting as if he were some hero descended from the goddesses. At the very least he is a naive fool engaging in such dangers, and at the very most a good Samaritan trying to make a difference. And how do we know he isn't doing it for clout?"
But your argument had fallen on deaf ears. All three women shrugging you off with nothing more than incredulous snorts and chuckles. "Jealous, Y/N? That just means less competition for us. If you're attracted to the filthy, sweaty, and woolly carpenters running around, just say that. Because they're the only fish left in the sea; stinky, hairy-chested carpenters and—"
The door swung open to reveal Grog. He entered, an apparent flare of gout causing him to crab walk up to you. "Y/N, did you fix my pants yet?"
He didn't bother saying hello nor asking how you were. Because that's not what Grog did. Because he didn't care. So why pretend? He remained a drain on Hylian society, never lifting his finger to do a day of work and always gracing the village with the stench of stale bread you forgot in the back of your pantry. And his attitude? It was just as moldy. Everyone in life had a passion, and Grog's was to hate everyone. With equal fervor. Whether you were a seamstress stitching his pants or a medic trying to save his life.
"Grog, I told you by the end of the day."
"Well, Y/N, we don't know the end of the day anymore since it's always dark outside. Maybe clarify next time instead of wasting your customers' time."
You stomped your foot. "The sign on the door says the shop closes at 4 p.m. It's only 2 p.m. There are still clocks in Ganondorf's Hyrule."
He doesn't bother to respond, shuffling toward the door with a mutter beneath his breath as he slams it shut, causing the frame to rattle.
All three women eye you. " Ok, hairy carpenters and miserable grog, I get it. There are still other men. What about, uh, the knave on top of granny's shop next door? You know the one that sits on the roof?
"That's her grandson. Everyone knows he's a freeloader. And even if he wasn't—" She gives you a wicked smirk, lowering her voice. "We don't have anything he would like. He got caught in Anju's pen kissing the new farmer boy—"
"Whaaaa-?" Mamamu Yan and the other women cup their mouths beneath thick fingers as they begin to play the same game over again. Only this time it was to see who knew the better Kakariko gossip.
The softness of someone clearing their throat to garner attention caused everyone to pause. All eyes were on the man who had just entered the shop.
"Good afternoon. Forgive me for interrupting; I was hoping someone could repair these." You couldn't see what "these" were because a shrill and frantic mewling erupted around you as a blur of busy fabrics bustled past you toward the door.
"LINK!"
You were flung against your counter as if you were a discarded brassiere being tossed onto the floor after a long day. The women crowded around Link, and judging by the expression on his face, this was a type of enemy he didn't know how to face. The one woman squealed, grabbing his shoulders. "Link, thank you so much. We heard you took out the monsters in South Hyrule Field—"
"Uh-"
"And the zombies. Don't forget the zombies!" Mamamu Yan bent down, smushing his head between her breasts. If this guy was indeed a hero that was going to save Hyrule, he was about to be suffocated by two logs of fat.
"Mmph-"
"Tell us, do you think you could fix the issues in Kakariko? It rains far too much these days, and my dresses are quite flimsy for this environmental change." The other woman bats her lashes as she pulls down the strap of her dress like a common harlot.
With a firm hand pounding your counter, you admonish, "That's it! Everyone out!" You come to Link's aid, bulldozing the women away from him and toward the shop door. "Wait but—" You gave them a final shove and locked the door. Their pudgy faces remain smudged against the glass window with bated interest.
Remembering you were at work, you rubbed your temples, taking a deep breath and plastering a professional, tight smile onto your face.
"I am so sorry about that. What can I help you with?"
He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "Thank you, um, right. My gauntlets, they're worn pretty thin."
He pulls them off and hands them to you, his steely eyes looking at you as if you were an ice-cold glass of Lon Lon milk. You pretend not to notice. No need to make pretty boy's head any bigger than it probably was.
"Hmmm, yes, these have seen better days, but I suppose so has Hyrule." You remain courteous. "I can get them done by the end of the day; I have a client ahead of you."
"That's great. Thanks." You take his gauntlets from his hand, and his fingers brush your own, and you can't help but feel it was intentional. The ghost of a caress forces you to look up. Ok, so maybe he was sort of cute. Not in a hero of legend way, but like one of Princess Zelda's lower-ranking knights kind of way.
He did still have those overtly pointy ears, though they didn't stick out as much as his eyes, which were bluer than Lake Hylia's waters and pleading for connection. Or the refreshing self-consciousness that was rare for such a strong warrior to possess.
You notice his hand is still outstretched, and you clear your throat. "Oh, right." He reaches into his pocket to grab a satchel and fishes out some rupees.
"No. It's on the house. You're the one going around doing all the good deeds, right? Consider this a good deed that I can do," you say, waving his money away.
"Well, if you're certain."
"You can return around 4, Sir Link."
"Just Link. I'm no sir; I'm hardly a man." He whispers the last part beneath his breath, and you feel as if he wants you to inquire more.
But he proves you wrong instead, turning and leaving, but not without a weird, lingering glance. You stand there looking at the gauntlets in your hands, feeling the spots threadbare from calluses that have fought many battles.
The remainder of your shift you found yourself thinking about a man that oddly reminded you a little too much of a little boy.
Edited: 4/12/26








