Greetings dear friend,
I have been in the midst of cancer for 3 years. It has, as you can imagine, altered my life. I keep looking back and thinking ‘oh back then! It was better/easier etc.” I can catch myself and I feel angry and guilty for thinking about this. Even during meditation I find I’m annoyed with myself.
Can you offer some advice about being gentler during such a rough time?
Many thanks,
Jeremiah
Hello dear friend Jeremiah,
Thinking about how things were easier and better in the past is a natural part of grieving what you have lost. However, what you lost was not so much your health, but an innocence. It was easier then because your problems seemed of a lesser magnitude than your problems now. You still have plenty of innocence, you still don’t know what the future holds, but when you live with cancer you have all your other life problems plus cancer. You have a much deeper perspective that can’t ignore the fragility of life.
When you look back at your earlier self, you can think, lucky me, I didn’t know what was coming. Now you still don’t know what is coming, but you don’t feel as lucky or you may feel unlucky or cursed. Yet, you are vibrantly alive.
It is outrageously courageous of you to sit meditation. Meditation is where your deepest fears vie for the light of your attention. It is where your mind processes your grief. Thinking about a simpler time is a fine thing to do. Wishing for past and future heath is a big part of the process. Feeling guilty and angry for having thoughts is a reaction. When you notice those reactions practice responding.
A response is an intentional reaction. When you respond you can include compassion. Meditation is a time to let go of thoughts. As your attention is on your breath, there is no other thought. You think about the past and notice the thought, then bring your attention to your breath. Your feeling guilty for having a thought you didn’t want is another thought, so notice that and bring your attention back to your breath. Your getting angry is another thought, notice that and return to your breath. You don’t need to sort your thoughts into good or bad, right or wrong, you just have to notice them and bring your attention back to your breath. That is repeatedly throwing out your mind. When you finish meditation, you can let your thoughts run again, but meditation is a time to practice dropping off your thoughts.
If dropping off thoughts isn’t working for you. Practice a more active form of mediation. Practice thinking about gratitude. Practice loving kindness mediation for all of the people in your life. Imagine how others suffer, breathe in their suffering and breathe out peace and wellness for them. If you are in the hospital with other people, practice healing them. Breathe in their sickness, and breathe out peace and wellness for them. That kind of thing occupies your mind more than a more open form of mediation. Walking meditation is also good for that. You move and drop your thoughts off as you focus your attention on your feet touching and leaving the ground.
Overcoming a pervasive fear takes a lot of practice. Fear digs in and spins off things like guilt and anger. With practice though, you can change your pervasive habit.
In is still important to embrace not knowing. Not knowing brought you happiness before you knew, and you need to remember that you still don’t know. As you await test results, remember you don’t know. Not good, not bad, just don’t know.
As you experience the joy of a positive test result notice that nirvana of the fears going away. Pain comes and goes. When it goes that is bliss.
