venting
So I found out today that the reason that Teej left all of the rooms on Skype and is mad at Darnel was because they vented about Zeph somewhere Darnel could see, and so Darn - naturally, since he’s full of good decisions - shared what Teej said w/them and they got mad at Teej together. Teej got wind of this, got mad at Darn (and probably rightfully hurt) for sharing what was confided privately, then as far as I know left Skype and won’t come back until Darn apologizes, and apparently Darn won’t because he “doesn’t respect Teej” or something.
And for the first time in my life, I actually feel bad for Teej, as I sympathize with him because I still can’t trust Darn ever since he did the same thing to me and funnily enough, it was actually related to Teej.
See, what happened was Teej was RPing Bookworm and... IDR I think it was his Pirate Dash or something, I forget, in #Oat and I... Don’t really like Teej, I don’t like his characters, I don’t like how he plays, I don’t like his style. Something about that day royally irked me the fuck off, but instead of saying something in there, I went to the Beanbag Room, a room made up of Woon and her friends. There, I complained for a bit to get it off my chest so I wouldn’t simmer all day being mad. Unbeknownst to me, Darn read that and shared my bitchings w/Teej who got down because he now knew that some people didn’t really like him, or his characters, and I wasn’t really holding back because I thought he’d never read this; after all, I specifically put that in another so he wouldn’t. Darn gets upset w/me because I got Teej upset and because I said mean things about him, so suddenly my expressing of my feelings in what I thought was a safe spot suddenly made me a bad guy. Long story short, I apoligized to Teej after reiterating why I said that somewhere else to begin with: It was because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, that while I don’t like him, I don’t want to make him sad and I didn’t want to come off as this “Fun Police”, trampling in on his good time. I also got cross with Darn when I found out and later had to apologize for what I said when I did get cross; Darn, to this day, still hasn’t returned it.
The reasons why I’m still more-or-less harboring a grudge over it, isn’t just because of his not apologizing though that does sting quite a lot. It’s a few things: I tried to express my feelings in what I thought was a safe space to do so, and among friends, and he took that safety away from me when I found out that he shared what was supposed to be uttered once in private, then never again; In doing so he took away my trust of him, making me feel like I can’t share anything around him, which is why I rarely talk in the Beanbag Room anymore, simply because he’s there; I was made a villain, not because I had negative views, but because I expressed them; During this, Woon actually briefly removed me from the room and was cold towards my feelings because I was understandably outraged and hurt at what Darn did, leaving me feeling betrayed - to this day, I’m still finding it tough to talk to them, which sucks because I still love them, but that feeling of betrayal cut me deep; And then, after all is said and done, I have to apologize to everyone, and while the one whose crime was expressing his feelings on something had to make amends, the ones who broke my trust and broke my heart did nothing in return.
Some time after that, Darn overheard me express an interest in “Crypt of the Necrodancer” and gifted me a copy on Steam. I accepted it but the coupon... Thing, is still sitting in my Steam inventory, unredeemed, because I projected onto it the feeling that, if I fully accept this, and redeem it, and install this onto my machine, I feel like that’s me forgiving him for breaking my trust and breaking my heart like he did. I mean I know it’s not, it just struck me how even that close to the whole... “Event” he was still acting like nothing happened, like he didn’t do anything wrong. And if he can’t see what he did to me for doing that, I don’t think I can ever forgive him.
And even though I still don’t like Teej, I haven’t expressed much relief at him being gone, and at the least I sympathize with him, because it fucking sucks for someone you thought you could trust to break it like that seemingly at the drop of a hat.