Okay am I the only one who's mad at Sam for saying that shit to Amelia?? Like dude if she wants to kill her shitty abusive asshole ex who's literally insane and too dangerous to be kept alive anyway then let her fucking do it. Why tf would you tell her "ohh but if you kill him you'll be binding yourself to him forever" like what??? Sure it was probably more cathartic for her to watch him get ripped to shreds by his own dogs but the point still stands
I understand from a story telling perspective it wouldn’t work to have 5 and Sam get married. To many interpretations of 5 where they aren’t together. To weird to have no dialogue from 5s who aren’t mute in their own stories
But the excitement when I saw it was a wedding episode and then the follow up email with a subject of “your turn 5” 🙃 I’ll take the 5am crumbs I can get
Side note, Amelia is your wedding really the best time to drop a moonchild bomb? Really?
Post-apocalyptic Vatican and a tiny Five and the Edda. I know Five should probably be in the jumpsuit but I really wanted to think up what a Valmont Runner uniform would look like.
BRENT VALMONT: Alright, Five. Let’s hash this out. I really hate to show my temper, but you’ve left me no choice. Are you sitting comfortably in the back of that van? Got your Valmont headset tight? Good, because I know you’ll want to hear who I’ve got speaking next.
[tape recorder clicks]
SAM YAO: Five? Five, it’s me. It’s Sam. It’s going to be okay, Five. Everything’s going to be alright.
[tape recorder clicks]
BRENT VALMONT: Spoiler alert: it’s not.
[tape recorder clicks]
SAM YAO: Valmont said I have to tape this message. I... I don’t know how long it’s been since Tunisia. He showed me the footage of your last run to the Maghreb border. Oh, you were so fast, leaving the whole Red Scorpion Army behind! They never would have caught you... if he hadn’t have been waiting in that boat. Amelia always said we shouldn’t trust him. Of all the ways to find out she was right.
Valmont says he’s got a mission for you, Five. He showed me the brief. It’s just a simple item grab. I don’t have every detail, but nobody’s about, nobody gets hurt... and what they’ll do to you if you refuse... I think you have to do it, Five. Just this once, I think you have to do his run.
[tape recorder clicks]
BRENT VALMONT: I know you miss him, Five. I can see it on your face. Those Valmont headcams work both ways! So I’ll make this really simple for you. You turned down all my other jobs. The assassination in Bolivia, the firebombing in Berlin! But this one’s non-negotiable. Get it done within the hour or Sam loses a thumb.
[van door slides open]
Back of the trucks’ cracking open. Look at all that daylight spilling in! I know I’ve got you fighting mad, so let’s channel that rage! Down the ramp, full speed ahead, just follow the street, straight along the cobbles, under the big stone arches. Don’t think of it as helping me. Think of it as saving him. Here, I’ll even let Sam play you out!
[tape recorder clicks]
SAM YAO: It’ll be okay, Five. I know it will. Remember what Janine’s always saying? When things are at their darkest, a runner strikes a match. You keep the hope. No matter what, you keep that flame alive. And promise me, the first chance you get, promise me you’ll run.
~
[birds coo, wings flap]
BRENT VALMONT: Mind the pigeons, Five! But take in the sights! Italy, the Vatican, St Peter’s Square itself. Look at those grand colonnades on either side, the great Egyptian spire in the middle. Though the basilica’s looking a bit dowdy, isn’t it, the way the dome’s collapsed in? Head straight for its entrance, past the burned-out popemobile. It’s through those great big pillars where the tourists used to queue.
It’s been hard on landmarks, Five, the end of the world. The Eiffel Tower, Washington DC, poor old Red Square. Not exactly sitting pretty since Van Ark’s Armageddon did the renovators in. Oh, I know. I told you the apocalypse was mine. I didn’t mean it literally. It was Sigrid’s passion project, Van Arks’ silly plague. [sighs] He was such a stupid genius, wasn’t he? Took the blame for the disease to please that humorless wife of his. Invented immortality, but he couldn’t get the hang of spin.
ANNIE knew what they were planning, Five, long before it happened. I had her watching Sigrid, Van Ark, Moonchild, too. You don’t become a billionaire without probing your rivals. We caught their little scheme to end the world, and yes, I could have stopped it, it’s true, but I know a bargain when I see one. The whole world on fire sale! I’m not the one made the end, but I like to think I’m who it’s for.
[door clatters open] This is a grand old entrance, isn’t it? That distant gilded ceiling, the sunswept marble floor. All those saintly statues watching with white eyes. [building creaks] Careful! Sidestep to your left. The ceiling isn’t stable. Some of it’s coming down.
You, me, mortal peril! It’s just like the old times, eh? Admit it, I was quite the charmer, running with your Abel crew. You were all so wonderfully obliging. I always needed Sigrid gone, and V-types can be a pain, but I never lied about it being a good time, Five. As far as handy decoys go, your lot were the best.
See that body, beneath the fallen pillar? That’s Valmont Runner Sixty-Four. Last one in before you. I warned her that this mission was a risk, but still, she volunteered! It’s amazing, the loyalty people give you in a post-apocalyptic world. So much for so little. You dig them out of burning rubble, offer them beans and a bed, and suddenly their life is yours. I used to run orphanages on the same principle. Shame my finest runner’s busy on assignment. She’d have at least survived the masonry, unlike poor old Sixty-Four.
I know what you’re thinking, Five. How many have gone in ahead of you? Oh, I’ve lost count! There’s something I need in that city, something hard to find, but you’ve got an advantage. You’ve seen it before. We just need to be careful, with all that panacea in your blood. My doctors have been draining what, a pint of plasma at a time over the last few months? That’s plenty of samples. Your body’s a little panacea factory now, thanks to that injection you stole! But we’ve got big ambitions. Things will go much smoother if they can harvest a whole lot more!
[building creaks] Better get a move on, Five! That building really doesn’t like my people. The ceiling almost sounds upset! Turn right at the papal altar, take the tour guide passage to the Sistine Chapel. And ignore the fallen runners up ahead. There’s no point dwelling on them, Five. There’s no profit counting the dead.
~
BRENT VALMONT: Look up at the ceiling, Five! Soak that culture in. The Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo’s masterpiece! All those gorgeous frescoes painted on the walls. Saints, sinners, serpents. And Adam, on the ceiling, about to high five God! [sighs] I was planning to steal this, but ANNIE says it wouldn’t survive the airlift. [sighs] Follow the frescoes down the corridor, the one with all the maps. Try to find an open window. You need to get outside.
Moonchild used to say my collections were “bad karma,” that it was wrong to try to cage the world. This, from Lady Mind Control. She reminded me of my mother, Five. Ghastly, hippy-drippy woman. Stole my father’s fortune, frittered it on “charity.” Said the world was full of wonders, but not a single one was ours! A thing’s not beautiful until you own it, that’s the dirty, ugly truth. Knowing something might be taken is a spoiling blemish. I used to tell Amelia that. Maybe when I take her world, she’ll learn.
It’s hard to find people who understand, Five. I wake up every morning with this screaming hunger in my heart, the torture of ambition. No matter what I have, no matter who I own, I know I can do better. It’s like an engine in my belly. I know I can own more!
There, an open window. Climb out to the courtyard, quick! Have you heard much lately from that Moonchild in your head? I bet you haven’t. Maybe my panacea killed her. Maybe she’s finally dead. The Cortile del Belvedere A pope once paraded his elephant here. That’s my kind of style! Just parked cars and a broken fountain now. See that big beige building over there? That’s the Vatican library with the Apostolic Archives next door. Those archives hold the secret storeroom of the Catholic church, and what we want’s inside.
[laughs] I know what you’re hoping, Legs. You think my wife will come and save you, Amelia and the rest. But the truth is, they’re not even in the game. I’ve got decoys with your shirt on from Peru to Paraguay, corpses with your DNA slung into shallow graves. I’ve got moles in the Maghreb, spies in the UK. I’ve got Amelia spun in circles, always looking the wrong way.
Sigrid, Van Ark, Moonchild, they were all small fry. Couldn’t even keep their Armageddon to a timetable. ANNIE didn’t expect their gray plague to get loose so soon. I wasn’t quite ready to put the Ministry straight down. But I was miles ahead in stockpiling, and I’ve had eons to prep since. I knocked down half the satellites, razed the global village. No more cheap communications, no calling distant ears for help. The market should be nice and manageable, survivors stuck in isolated pockets. I’ve got bases like Red Scorpion all over the world, allies in armies you’ve never heard. I know what happened to the last aircraft carrier, why zombies scream on roads. I am a one-man superpower. Your friends don’t have a chance!
Uh-oh! Zombie priests crawling out of the cars, and those look like Swiss Guards lurching from the buildings, the elite protectors of the Vatican with feathered caps and halberds high. Well, that one’s got halberd sticking through his chest, but what can you expect from zoms? They’re closing in behind you, still guarding the library even in death. There’s a car crashed through the archive wall. That’s your way inside. Get into that building, then down to the basement. Do not let them catch you! Go!
~
BRENT VALMONT: That’s it, Five. Keep going straight. They call this part of the archive the Bunker, where the most precious texts are kept. Frankly, I’m disappointed. I expected flaming torches, spotlights, demons dancing around the Holy Grail, not just endless dusty bookshelves. [zombie growls] Careful, there are zombies crushed together between some of those shelves. Stay clear of the books. Their arms are clawing out between them.
Do you know what the worst part of this church is, Five? It’s that it isn’t dead. There’s a whole new pope in Istanbul readying teams to nab these treasures, and they’re not the only holdouts. There are still rabbis, and imams, Buddhist monks, Mormons, Quakers, Sikhs. People who believe in gods, or hope, or just each other, joining hands to cope. Little groups like Abel brightening the dark.
It makes me so damn angry! It’s... not the apocalypse I bought! I wanted Mad Max, the Walking Dead, the first bit of The Road! Ruins, misery, hopeless dread, and I’d swoop in with my hoarded cans and lift the peons up, have them rebuild in my image, grateful for the helping hand. ANNIE predicted overwhelming collapse, once the dust settled. You were supposed to get nuked offing Sigrids or implode like Sage. Those Last Riders had the right idea, until they turned V-type. But no, you had to flourish, didn’t you? All over the world. The groups that defy the odds. The Maghreb, Arcadia, Abel, Vashisht. That galling, glowing 1% like aniseed in the stew!
There, see that staircase behind the red cordon with a vault door in the bottom? That’s the hidden heart of this bunker. A room that’s not on any maps. If there were demons locked away, that’s where they’d be. It’s time for the big drum roll, Five. The reveal of why you’re here. Remember your trip to Moore Island, the [red god] and the cult? Amelia never let me read the Edda, but the church has another copy hidden in their vault. Moonchild stole a partial transcript before they upped security. My runners don’t know what it looks like, but you’ve seen it before.
[zombies moan] Damn! Coming up the stairs, are those - red robes and pointy hats. Oh no, lots of zombie cardinals, and they’re in your way. The others are closing in behind you, too. Swiss Guards, priests, tourists in backpacks. There’s no going back. Forward is your only shot. Those are halberds lying on the floor. The guards must have made a stand here. Quickly, pick one up. [metal clinks] You’re going to have to rush them straight down to the vault. I can hack the door with ANNIE. That blade looks blunt, but you can at least push them back. Move it, Five, get down the stairs! Not sure what a zombie bite will do with all those Valmont patents in your blood. Don’t let the cardinals grab you. Run!
~
[door clatters open]
BRENT VALMONT: Now this is more like it! Big, oblong chamber full of sealed glass cases. Ancient scrolls, mysterious parchments. No sign of the Holy Grail, but I bet it’s around here somewhere. Find my Edda, Five. You don’t have much time.
[alarm blares]
This room is pumped full of an inert gas to preserve the relics. We don’t have the proper codes. I can’t hold it open long. See those dead runners on the floor? They all thought they’d find my prize, and they all died choking anyway. Funny thing, Five. None of them blamed me. Now that’s lasting ownership, the kind that leaves them dying but still feeling the love.
Aha, you’ve spotted something. The big tome on the plinth. Smash the casing and grab it! Use that halberd, now! [glass breaks, alarm beeps, zombies growl] Those zoms are pouring in behind you, they’re blocking the way out. There’s another vault door straight ahead, right across the archive. Move it, Five, and hold the Edda tight! If you die of oxygen deprivation, Sam’s the one I’m sending in there next. Speed up, before the door snaps shut. Run!
~
[birds caw, wings flap]
BRENT VALMONT: You did it, Legs! You’re clear of the archive and clear of the Vatican, footloose on the streets of Rome. And you’ve got my Edda. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, you could destroy it, tear it up and run, but what would happen to poor Sam, and Janine, and Peter, too? That’s right.
[engine rumbles] My truck’s approaching. Drop the halberd, get inside. [metal clinks, van door slides open] There you go, Five. Straight into the back. I’ll see you get a raise for this. That means extra cushions in your cell!
The apocalypse hasn’t gone as planned, it’s true. But I’ve had a fix brewing for years. You pushed up my timeline with that scramble through Tunisia. I was worried we might not pull it off, but now I’ve got the panacea and the Edda. I’m all set for the apocalypse, take two.
The panacea, Five, that’s my little joke. You see, it is a cure, of sorts. The cure for all my ills. Soon, I won’t have any rivals. The whole world will be my orphanage. Amelia, Abel, and the rest, they’ll be swept away, or transformed, replaced by broken, helpless, loving people. Like Adam on the ceiling, Five. They’ll all be looking up... to me.
I’be caught up in Zombies, Run! (after lo these many years) and I just have to say—
I was half-expecting to come into Season 10 and find out that Five has been turned into some sort of sad agonized cyborg by Valmont, but now it seems like Five is some sort of missing, lost hero.
Either way. With the greatest possible admiration for the ZR writing crew—I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK TO PLAYING AS FIVE AGAIN, PLEASE.
XD I get that this is a prequel, but it makes me VERY UNCOMFORTABLE to run in other characters’ skins.
This has literally been the first and only episode of s10 that I've liked lmao I love evil Jody. Like no she's not evil by choice but not a damn thing she said wasn't true
