Thinking of telling them to stop?
Let’s say you’re being harassed at work and you're not ready to go to HR or file a complaint. Maybe you’re not sure it “counts" or you’ve heard HR can make things worse (they really can). Or it could be you don’t want a whole investigation stormclouding over your life. You just want it to stop!
Well, you’re not alone. And here’s what to start thinking about before you wander into the wild woods of workplace warbles.
1. Remember: You don’t owe them anything A lot of harassers already know they’re crossing lines. You don’t need to give them a wake-up call. You’re not their coach, therapist, or HR rep. Changing or reprimanding them is not your job.
2. Don’t downplay it just because it’s common Lots of people deal with low-level harassment. Creepy comments, weird touches, “jokes” that cross a line. Just because something isn’t criminal doesn’t mean it’s not harmful. If it’s making your job harder or making you feel unsafe, that’s real.
3. Never do it because someone told you to If a manager or HR person says, “Just go talk to them,” hit the brakes. That’s called informal resolution, and it’s only okay when it’s 100% your choice.
4. You don’t owe them politeness Some people worry about being “mean” when confronting someone. But if someone is making you uncomfortable, it’s not your job to manage their feelings. You can be direct. You can be blunt. You can be cold. You don’t have to soften your boundary.
5. If you’re going to speak up, plan it This doesn’t have to be a big performance. But if you do decide to say something, think it through in advance. Choose a private but safe moment. Keep it short. Say what you need to say and then stop. You don’t owe them a debate.
6. The goal is clarity, not a perfect script You don’t need to give a TED Talk. You just need to be clear. “Don’t touch me at work.” “That joke wasn’t funny.” “This isn’t appropriate.” You can say it in a way that works for you, but the point is: make sure they can’t pretend they didn’t know.
7. Don’t expect an apology Some people will apologize. Some won’t. Some will get defensive or act confused or tell you that you’re overreacting. None of that means you were wrong to speak up. People don’t have to agree with your boundary for you to have one
8. Expect weird reactions Sometimes people apologize. But they tend to deny it, make it your fault, or get icy. That’s not on you. That’s who they are when they’re caught.
9. If it makes you feel unsafe, skip it Talking to a harasser can be risky, especially if they have power over you, or if you think they’ll retaliate. You simply don’t need to light a match to prove there’s a fire.
10. Document it anyway Even if you’re not making a formal report, keep notes. Dates, times, what happened, what was said. If you tell them to stop, write that down too. If things escalate, that documentation can help you later, and you’ll be glad you kept it.
11. You don’t need to forgive Confronting someone doesn’t mean you have to make peace with them. You can ask someone to stop without getting closure. You’re allowed to walk away still feeling angry, shaken, or done. This is about your boundary and not their redemption.
The prime directive: do what keeps you safe That’s it. You aren't required to be brave or “fair.” or, hell, even consistent . You just have to survive this in a way that lets you keep your power intact. Whatever choice helps you do that, that’s the right one!
TL:DR / You want to dig a little deeper, clickarino right here.
Thanks all for reading. I hope my long-ish posts are thought-provoking and problem-solving in some way for some of you out there. Be safe lovelies on your travels 💘