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¿You know what’s super confusing & legit distressing?

((We grew up with narcissist parents who never got help for context.))

Our parents claimed to have ADHD

(I’ve never seen a diagnosis & I suspect they’re both autistic & only dad is actually ADHD, but let’s just say they are for now).

¿What makes that weird?

Narcissists see their children as a copy-paste.

‘You are me, but dumber.’

‘You are me, but worthless.’

They project their insecurities onto their children. Their kids are an object.

They treat their kids like a mirror, so they don’t have to ACTUALLY look in a mirror.

This leads to things like:

“you can’t play football, you’ll be horrible at it” because the narc was bad at it,

“you can’t enjoy writing because you’re MY child & I like gaming”

(that one was actually said to us by our dad, & the reverse of ‘can’t like gaming, have to like writing’ because mom’s child)

‘You can’t be trans because if that’s what trans means then I’m trans’

They won’t ALLOW their kids to be their own person.

¿What does this have to do with ADHD?

Our parents knew they had ADHD.

So we were ALLOWED. It was okay to be chaotic, energetic, etc.

It was allowed for us to hyperfocus, to hyperfixate

(but not allowed to get angry or annoyed at them for interrupting hyperfocus because they still want an obedient shadow & an Easy™ relationship with no effort on their part)

BUT.

We were eight years old when we realised “huh, I really relate to my autistic classmates as much as if not more than my ADHD ones”.

But our parents will not accept they have autism.

So we were allowed to be ADHD,

but NOT allowed to be autistic.

The mindfuck this does to a neurodivergent child.

¡I can stim! But not THOSE stims, you’ll look autistic.

¡I can hyperfocus! But it’s evil to get a special interest & start to identify with it too much.

¡I can use a fidget spinner! But not THOSE stim toys, you’ll look autistic.

¡I can tap fingers on the keyboard (a stim)! But I can’t rock or shake my hands because You Can’t Look/Be Autistic™.

¡I can body double! But parallel play is an autistic thing & ‘¿why aren’t you talking to your friend??? ¡you’re not even REALLY hanging out!’

¡I can really like this food because Good Texture™! But if I have a shutdown/meltdown because of Bad Texture™ I’m “throwing a tantrum” & “immature”.

....

You see why this would cause identity crises & confusion & distress, ¿right?

It took 21 years for us to start accepting again, ‘okay, I probably am autistic & that’s completely okay.’

(Disclaimer I don’t actually know how many of those were truly autism vs ADHD because it was based on what our narc parents PERCEIVED to be different between them. & their perception led to abuse.)

If we “acted autistic”, we would be abused. If we “acted ADHD”, we were praised for Being Yourself™ & Not Masking™.

So we learned to mask all autistic traits, & only partially mask ADHD.

We are still unravelling this. Relearning.

But there is no denying the identity confusion of being denied a part of ourself while praised for a similar part,

the distress (& further identity confusion) of being forced to mask ALL of the time even when we were exhausted or physically ill,

the aftermath of being forced to deny ourselves stim toys & weighted things & help we would’ve benefitted from.

The number of meltdowns & shutdowns we assumed were anxiety attacks because there were No Other Options™,

The number of meltdowns turned shutdown or vice versa because narc parent aggressively forced us out of one thinking it was a Temper Tantrum™ or us being antisocial or Disrespectful™ or Ignoring™ people,

The amount of dangerous stims we developed (fingernail & skin biting, eating coins) after being forced to not properly stim,

It’ll take years to unpack all of this.

& yea. We are healing.

But in this moment of realisation & healing I wanna take a moment to just say something they’ll never hear: fuck you for trying to force me to become you & severely stunting my personal growth. I no longer need your acceptance & support. I hope you heal, eventually, but I won’t be coming back. I need to be okay with who I am first.

If you also have ADHD //and// ASD: we see you, we hear you, & you’re not alone. You’re valid.

& most of all, you are NOT a bad child, too difficult, ungrateful, disrespectful, evil, rude, broken, Inconsistent™ (as a negative) or anything else you were told for showing traits of both.

You deserved love, compassion, proper support, & acceptance.

You still do.

~Nico, Aiden, & Shatter