#~lucca

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

What is a Lost/Ghost Child family role?

...because no one asked (/j)

((someone asked on TikTok & I felt like sharing my rambles somewhere so— (/srs, lh)))

The basics: In toxic families, kids are forced to adhere to certain roles to keep the peace &/or keep themselves safe. Lost/Ghost Child is one role a kid may be forced into.

⚠️warning: vague mentions of neglect & childhood trauma here down⚠️

Why am I/are we qualified to talk about this?:

We were a Lost/Ghost Child before we became a Scapegoat, around 5 to 18 years old. We did research on it when our therapist said it seemed like our role in the family was “to disappear”, as seen in this role. We’ve done work for about 3 years unraveling these wounds & figuring out what the feelings mean.

~~~

Why would a kid end up in this role?:

The brief explanation is neglect & trauma as part of a toxic family system.

This is often the kid who falls in the shadow of a Hero Child, Golden Child, &/or Mascot/Jester Child. They can never live up to their sibling(s) so they disappear.

~~~

What does this role look like?:

- Often forgotten &/or unnoticed by the family &/or their friends (if they have friends)

- May get left out of “family” photos, or hidden in the background

- May get left behind on “family” outings (& they may not even notice)

- Drifting around in the background, hovering near but not engaging with people

- May follow around people who are nice to them, or at least not *as* bad as their family (again drifting, not always noticed)

- not seeking approval, but not seeking punishment or any attention either

- very quiet (or even silent/never speaking)

- May have Generalized Anxiety Disorder &/or Social Anxiety Disorder

- only speaks when spoken to

- they learn to take care of themselves alone (because it’s rare or never that others will)

- pretends not to need or want anything

- may have trouble later in life asking for / receiving support or care from others

- May have clinical depression

- May say they don’t belong in friend groups &/or at family gatherings

- Deep neglect wound

~~~

What does this role feel like?:

- “I don’t belong here” (in your own house, at family gatherings)

- “I don’t belong in [this/any] family”

- “I’m safer when I’m not noticed”

- anxiety when people point you out or acknowledge you exist

- “please don’t notice me 😣”

- deep neglect wound

- may sometimes or often want to die

~~

If you were also put in this role, you deserve better & I hurt with you. You can heal, & you’re allowed to (not that you need my permission, but I know it can be reassuring to hear/see someone say it anyway).

If your sibling is in this role, it’s not your fault (it’s your parents’/caretakers’/egg &/or sperm donor’s/donors’ fault). You may want to gently let them know you see & value them. Don’t force them “out of their shell” (that’ll cause worse anxiety); be patient with them.

~Lucca (he/him; protector, trauma holder, soother)

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Update as of October 28th 2022:

We’re back in therapy (/positive)!

Had to bounce from one who spoke over us, but got lucky that the second one was a good fit. We had a session today & felt good afterwards.

Hoping it gets easier from here. ☺

~Nico, Lucca, blur

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Brain: *wakes us up at 4am with an image of our bio dad standing over our sleeping body; it’s when he was younger & had a mustache*

Us: *panic attack because if that’s a real memory that’s bad*

Me: *desperate enough for affection to ask our bio mother for a hug*

Mother: *sigh* *rolls eyes* *turns around*

Mother: *hugs* “You know I’ll always hug you, even when I’m mad at you.”

Us: ...

Me, in headspace: Yea, and you’ll allow it while rolling your eyes & annoyed at us for needing affection. No thanks. I’d rather hug anyone else, if I have the option.

~a very tired Lucca

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Update:

Not only do we own a car, ¡our pupper (9yo toy poodle mix) approves of the car! & our usually anxious, trembly pup who always freaks down during car rides calmly got in the passenger seat when we turned the car on 🥺💚

(also yes that's our voice, plz ignore it's dysphoric, & our pronouns are he/they)

~Lucca (he/him; protector, soother)

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Decided to make it official & adopted a family (/lighthearted).

~~

For context, the only adult in our life who's been there for us when we needed someone (drove us to school when it snowed + we missed the bus (high school); took us home from work so we didn't have to rush to insure our car last minute today); let us run to her house to get a break from our parents; first person to openly tell us our parents are ab*sive; etc.)...the parent of a friend we met in high school around 16 years old...Nico decided to admit to her what's going on at home & ask to call her Mom, since she's been there more anyway (despite having kids of her own). She said yes. That was roughly two weeks ago.

She drove us home today. She had one of her kids in the car.

((Oh, & when we didn't reply to say we'd seen her text (forgot) she sent her son, & he brought us to the car, & we immediately went to apologize & she said “I just got worried” & I got super confused (/srs), because what the heck is genuine family love— (/rhetorical, confused)))

I, Lucca, had not officially adopted her yet. I have trust issues.

But on instinct, getting in the car, I said “hey Mom” & she just smiled. No complaints, no ab*se, no arguing.

When she got us home we stayed in the car talking for around 45mins. Near the end, I decided I trust them.

So I turned to her son A (13yo, anonymous for his safety), & jokingly said “I'm kidnapping you”, then when we stopped laughing I said “you've been adopted. I'm adopting your whole family.” with a soft smile (he's easier to talk to).

He immediately went “¡YES! !Our family just got ten times cooler! ☺” ((& when I say I forgot how to breathe for a minute & our heart stopped for a moment....I mean it (/positive; not used to being loved like that). 🥺))

((Lil brother A also said we should move in & that he'd give us youngest sister G’s room & was genuinely excited when we went ‘“I might need a leg out of this place—” *gesture to parents’ house* “—so maybe.” *shrug* “Well see.” ☺’))

So....we have a chosen family (that includes two sisters (existing friend, 22yo; her little sister G, 7yo), a brother (13yo), & a mamá/mamà (mom has negative connotations bc we're forced to call our bio-parent that, so alternative title Mama)). ((They can't afford to legally adopt us because they're not rich, but one day we'll have enough money to hand them a big check & help them too.))

We have a family who respects our pronouns & name, who respects us, who is kind to us & there for us, who we can trust. & Mamà offered that if we need away from our parents too fast to move normally, we can stay with them. So we have a chosen family.

We can survive this. We'll get out & she'll still be here & we'll be free. 🥺💚

~Lucca (trauma holder, protector; he/him)

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

¿What is a Mascot/Jokester/Clown (toxic family role)?

The basics: In toxic families, kids are forced to adhere to certain roles to keep the peace &/or keep themselves safe. Mascot is one role a kid may be forced into.

Why are we qualified to talk about this?: Our brother is in this role so we did a lot of research on it & have seen it affect him our entire life.

⚠️Trigger Warning below the cut: mentions (vague) of trauma, neglect, ab*se⚠️

Why would someone end up in this role?:

In brief, this is a toxic family role someone may be forced into by abusive, neglectful, &/or toxic, & manipulative family members. It’s often children who end up in this role.

They may sense that the family is toxic & in pain (subconsciously or consciously). Instead of trying to fix it, they desperately try to pin bandaids on serious wounds (/met) & keep all attention on something positive. They don’t talk about serious things for long because it’s uncomfortable, so they deflect the tension with jokes, games, etc.

~~~

What does this role look like?:

- seeks to be the center of attention (“attention wh*re”)

- constantly making jokes & goofing off

- desperately working to cover up the family’s pain through humor

- don’t talk about serious things for long

- might be laughing too hard/dramatically at jokes, &/or not laughing a normal amount (or even not laughing at their own jokes at all)

- may not self-reflect deeply (out of fear of what they’ll find)

- may stay in toxic relationships, because they’re used to putting bandaids on serious wounds (/met) & feel the need to make it work

- probably has an anxiety disorder, or multiple anxiety disorders

- might have depression

~~~

What does this role feel like?:

- anxiety & tension

- uncomfortable around serious topics

- “oh no they’re fighting again, ¿how do I make it stop?”

- shame if your attempts don’t work

- fear of rejection

- intense need to make toxic relationships of all kinds work out / seem safe & good

~~~

If you were also put in this role, you deserve better & I hurt with you. You can heal & break out of this role, & you’re allowed to (not that you need my permission, but I know it can be reassuring to hear/see someone say it anyway).

If your sibling is in this role, it’s not your fault (it’s your parents’/caretakers’/egg &/or sperm donor’s/donors’ fault). You may want to gently let them know you care about them even when they can’t joke around, & that it’s okay to feel pain & discomfort.

~Lucca (soother, protector) & Ace (protector)

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

¿What is the Doer (toxic family role)?

The basics: In toxic families, kids are forced to adhere to certain roles to keep the peace &/or keep themselves safe. Doer is one role a person may be forced into.

Why are we qualified to talk about this?: Our mother is in this role so we have seen it affect her our entire life & we did a lot of research on it.

⚠️Trigger Warning below the cut: mentions (vague) of trauma, neglect, ab*se⚠️

¿Why would someone end up in this role?:

In brief, this is a role of a toxic family. This happens in neglectful, abusive, &/or toxic, & manipulative families.

Someone has to keep the chaos of the family together. Without a Doer of some kind (who’s often also a Golden Child &/or Hero &/or Mascot) to keep the family appearing functional, people may find out the family isn’t as perfect & functional as it appears. (/semi srs, kind of snarky) Another role that places bandaids on serious wounds (/met, srs).

~~~

¿What does this role look like?:

- takes action to get things done

- “Often this is the stereotypical mother who coordinates the schedules of her children, cooks meals, and handles household chores. This can also happen with older daughters whose mothers have passed away or are not able to be emotionally present, as they take on the responsibilities of a parent.”

- they refuse to rest until everything is done

- might police other family members when they’re not as productive because lack of things getting done is ‘✨bad✨’

~~~

- Possibly never goes to a doctor for themselves even if in serious pain

- never or almost never says no

- seems productive & healthy on the outside

¿What does this role feel like?:

- Anxiety & guilt over resting & asking for help

- Anxiety & guilt & shame if they ever have to accept help

- Must. Be. Productive.

~~~

- anger at themselves (stemming from fear) anytime they have to rest &/or ask for / accept help from others

- chronic fatigue

- struggles to rest because it feels “lazy”

- ✨anxiety✨ & fidgety any time they sit still or are otherwise unproductive

- anger/resentment

- saying no causes a lot of anxiety & may cause identity confusion

If you were put in this role, you deserve better & I hurt with you. You are allowed to rest & your worth is not determined by your productivity. You can heal & break out of this role, & you’re allowed to (not that you need my permission, but I know it can be reassuring to hear/see someone say it anyway).

If your sibling/parent/etc. is in this role, it’s not your fault (it’s your parents’/caretakers’/egg &/or sperm donor’s/donors’ fault, or another family member who put them in that role). You may want to gently let them know you care about them even when they need to rest.

~Lucca (soother, protector) & Ace (protector)

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Sending this into the void of Tumblr but...

⚠️ TW mention of parental trauma/violence ⚠️

¿You know one of the worst parts of being a trauma holder, at a time that our walls have come down to allow space to heal?

We're also more vulnerable to getting hurt & triggered.

And I'm a trauma holder.

I remember being abused. I remember being hit. I remember my voice being quashed, and being told that tears were actually evidence of guilt for things I had not done.

So now when people who are not intending harm spiral and tell me to not tell them about something (no matter what the topic is), my first instinct is to apologize & my second is to spiral. My PTSD tells me I can never speak about anything ever again, & that I'm about to be beaten and punished. My anxiety tells me I am a terrible person for speaking in the first place and for hurting them. I spiral.

And the second worst part of that is I feel like I'm at fault for not being able to comfort them, because I'm a trauma holder. It's not my role or job to soothe people and I don't know how. I'm an autistic headmate in an autistic body who was never around people (I was only out at night when everyone was in bed) & thus never learned how to interact with people. The only thing I know about people is that some of them are violent and make me cry only to hurt me worse for crying.

I am so very tired of being stuck and alone. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to understand how to be social without causing harm. But in order to learn I have to fuck up, and every time I fuck up I'm going to spiral.

I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I'm tired. I want to love and be loved. I want to have friends. But I don't know how. I never got the chance to learn.

Do I even deserve the chance?

~Lucca