Too Old

[tajonnoh]

She looks like a thunderstorm And rightfully so Because she has a blinding heart

And I love to play with her hair Somewhere between the sheets Saving the static

God when thunder strikes I feel like I could die

[tajonnoh]

Michigan in May

We let winter take her toll Rang in the new year With a call for love and health Words still in my mouth A new disease; locks and keys The loss of what little of our wealth And mental health deteriorates My friend took some pills to seal her fate

They stormed the capital by force Hunkered down and sheltered in place Face to face Grief is shown by those who can’t accept Our own ineptitude; The loss of our loved ones on the way We can’t replace The ninety-thousand souls we’ve lost to date We can’t replace The five thousand souls in my home state

We knew Edensville would fail Sanford gave way I float with my possessions   Was it all a waste? My preoccupation with The way it has and is and will forever be I cannot see With nine feet of water washing me I cannot see with Nine feet of water washing me This is Michigan in May It’s been raining every day We’ve lost five thousand to this plague And now Midland washed away And we’re still not safe

[tajonnoh]

Instagram at 30 is the slow admission of a failure to have lived

The quiet scream at no one

A weak and feeble desire to feel relevant

To be

Relevant

[tajonnoh]

I’m proud to report thankfulness

I’ve been brooding all winter over the same shit I was brooding over last winter

And the winter before

And the one before

The bitterness I steeped in my coffee

The shame I breathed in my lungs

I’m proud to report I’m thankful

In this moment I have all I need

And I’ve discovered what I don’t

[tajonnoh]

I want to talk to those I love but the people I love died when long before I realized I loved them

[tajonnoh]

09/09/19

“What an interesting date,” he smiled, “just sign here and you’ll be all set.”

“Sounds good.” I cringed, “ the date is certainly one I will remember.”

[tajonnoh]

The xxistential dread

Sound flows through the atrium

Tunes of reminiscence

Through ivories I see the cost

Is more than mere persistence

Years beyond yet still behind

I cannot close the distance

Like motifs of unfinished tasks

And unheeded instruction

She plays the soundtrack to my life

A closing introduction

[tajonnoh]

I take it all back. I am extraordinarily disappointed and very not okay about it

[tajonnoh]

I’m so proud of how well I’ve been learning to adjust to disappointment without embracing despair.

[tajonnoh]

My younger siblings are the only thing that matter to me.

I feel like I spent my whole life reaching up to be respected and loved by my older siblings.

And now I can have 10 hour talk with any of them and my ideas are taken seriously.

Buy I can’t reach down to my young siblings. Nothing I say gets through to them. I have no idea what went so horribly wrong.

And why does it bother me so much.

[tajonnoh]

I wonder what happened when you went home

[tajonnoh]

I wonder...

[tajonnoh]

can’t wait to get out of this town

[tajonnoh]

I’m just happy and things are finally coming together

[tajonnoh]

I dreamt we spoke

I dreamt we spoke again

[tajonnoh]

The opposite of insecure. I’m not the one who seems to have something to prove. And I’m not the one holding a grudge dear. Plenty happy you’re enjoying your sexual forays. I didn’t ask how old he is. And I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. Sorry that was a small thing for me to do.

anyway

[tajonnoh]

Stop acting like you have something to prove. Fuck whoever. It doesn’t exactly make you win.

It does prove that old guys like fucking little girls, but we all already knew that.