Janaina Medeiros
JBB: An Artblog!
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Today's Document
almost home
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Jules of Nature
Origami Around
DEAR READER
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
tumblr dot com
roma★
ellievsbear
Keni
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Cosmic Funnies
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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seen from Malaysia
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seen from Guatemala
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@takecareandctrl-blog
Clarity
Clarity, like any other high, got old and drab after a while.
So I decided to switch it up - inundate myself again. I missed it. I mean, I really thought and felt that I missed this shit. It's been 3 1/2 months now and I am fuckin' miserable. Sick as ever. I miss clarity.
Clarity, unlike any other high, still has real rewards to offer.
gettin' away
I favor escapism over everything. Even my art, which defines me, is merely a form of escapism. Which begs the question, does an escapist such as myself even truly want to live? Instead of immersing myself in the world, I immerse myself in other ones - altered ones, naturally if I'm lucky, but by primarily artificial means. It's as if the last thing I'd ever want is reality. But that's life, right? Reality = Life? Reality and life are pretty tightly intertwined, despite my best efforts. What is it that I want?
My Golden Age of escape is over. The one escapist venture left to try is that which abandons all methods prior. It just might contain that “ultimate high”.
The harsher the sting of a hurtful action, The longer it takes to boomerang back. But when it does, dare not ask "why?". Accept your karmic debt and be grateful is it paid.
Be mindful when it comes to prayer-- Do not beg, nor plead, nor promise. Humbly ask for guidance and strength, And use what you may receive in an outwardly positive way
Sex vs Sobriety
Every time I've put my efforts towards sobriety, one of my main, if not biggest fear, is of never getting laid again. Because, man, alcohol and sex went hand in hand for me, always. Alcohol led to sex. It led to looseness, confidence, enhanced desire, that ability to "get buck", do nutso shit, etc. Shit I could NEVER do without alcohol.
I'm the kinda kid that thoroughly enjoys racking up numbers. I guess I kind of enjoy the "sport" as well as the experience? Don't get me wrong - I'm no sex addict or anything near it- I actually consider my sex drive slightly lower than the norm... although I guess I can't say for sure what the "norm" is. Either way, what a fucking thrill, bagging a girl, givin' it to her, and getting off. Errbody love dat shit. But naturally, Alcohol was the gasoline to my vehicle. Sobriety has always seemed like it would cause it to grind to a dead halt.
Granted, I didn't get any action immediately into this sober period of mine... but after a little bit, I came to a conclusion. SINCE I CAN'T FUCKING DRINK WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT, I can either be an unconfident pussy and get NONE, or just get out there, shake the damn tree, and see what happens. At worst, I can make a fool of myself, which I doing regardless. Rejection happens, drunk or not. My worst rejections have all been in the midst of drinking. And, I now realize, um... I wasn't getting SHIT for a long time at one point during my drinking anyway. Best case- maybe I'll fling some fuck, yea?
It's kind of been like I've had to re-learn how to pick up women. And that took all of... one day. I got it. It's easy. Be flirty, be funny, be forward. Triple F lol... Triple F and the -uck will follow. <----(stupid as hell lol).
Anyway, 4 diff partners, 3 of them brand spankin new. And a makeout or 2 on the side, as well. In 88 days of sobriety. Perhaps not "pickup artist" numbers, but not too fucking bad in my humble opinion. Also got a few "potentials" that I haven't tapped into yet. I'm not bragging. I'm really just venting about something that really troubled me for a long time. And I must say, I'm single, sober, and happy where I am right now. Nothing lasts forever. I'm just sayin... I am growing, and grateful.
...
Fucking happy to be sober. Seriously. Fuck. For all the agonizing time I spent thinking I could never live this way, I am starting to wonder how I could ever have lived the way I used to. All I can do now is pray for the daily strength and courage to keep it going, and always remember why I am doing this in the first place.
Triggers
Triggers have been... pretty fucking triggering lately. And I don't even mean like, alcohol around me, or drunk people, or beer ads. All that's fine and dandy. But a few emotional ones have put me in a real shitty mindstate. Fuck, man.
oh and 75 days whoop de doo
People need to be encouraged. People need to be reminded of how wonderful they are. People need to be believed in—told that they are brave and smart and capable of accomplishing all the dreams they dream and more. Remind each other of this.
Stacey Jean Speer (via staceyjeanmachine)
I always feel weak and pathetic when I feel desperate for validation. Sometimes, I am completely self-sufficient, and get off on my own internal confidence & pride in my abilities and talents. But mostly, it's the complete opposite. I hate all my music, all my work, and I just wish someone would tell me I rock ;( meh
But what happens when I get that validation? I deny it, reflect it, reject it, invalidate it. Nothing's ever good enough. BLAH
Day 69
Bow Chicka Bow Wo --wait, no. Not so much. Not into 69ing anyway :P
Still
Still Sober! Haven't been posting here, but I am still sober and okay.
Gettin' Back
I'd really like to get back to the point where I'm sharing wisdom, hope, and positivity on this thing again.
On an unrelated note, I kinda wish I knew how much I weighed the day before getting sober. I don't keep a scale because I can easily become obsessive and unhealthy about my weight. Nonetheless, I'm curious, because I was eating A LOT for a while before getting sobez. Plus the 12+ beers/drinks a day, of course. Getting dumped and ditching the booze succeeded in destroying my appetite, and it's stayed that way since. I eat to live, rather than live to eat. I can see the obvious physical change, but would really like to quantify it. Dang. Weight loss is always an upside to sobriety. I think I'm definitely plateauing though- I can tell/feel that I'm not losing it as quick this far in. Either way, I'm grateful for the extra bit of chisel in my jawline, the flattening of my belly, my sexi boi underwear fitting me better, etc :P
If I had to take a guess, I'd say I'm 141 at 5'10. 20 lbs less than my high weight after my mothers death 2 years ago.
Sponsor
I still don't have a sponsor at 42 days. Is this strange and unhealthy? I really don't know who to ask or what to do. I wish it would just be forced on me so I could start doing some real work instead of dilly dallying day by day (jeez, alliteration)
Grateful 6/3
Ugh. Needing to do this. Feeling so low.
Grateful
-Made it to a meeting today. Everyone was nice. Made an announcement regarding the awesome sober softball thing I did yesterday
-Dunkin's lemonade donut is delicious
-Whatever
Fuck this. I am in a terrible headspace, everything on earth feels painful and overwhelming. I want to hurt myself, I want to drink. I won't drink, but I will SIT with this fucked up feeling and that SUCKS.
Rewards
Also of concern... I really feel like my reward mechanism yearning for a fix. It wants REWARDS man. Things, highs, satisfactions... the hole is begging to be filled. Here I am looking on ebay for guitars and basses when i already have 8 and 3, respectively. Sick addict shit. Looking for the next good feeling. It ain't comin, or so it feels.
Stagnant
I feel like my sobriety as of late, although still completely positive, has been kind of stagnant. Granted, it'll always be "progress not perfection", but right now, I'm not feeling much progress. Not even at a snails pace. Just being sober for the day at a time doesn't always seem like a whole-hearted effort. I've been slacking on meetings, skipping a day or two between attendances. I have contacts, but I still don't have an official sponsor to help me work the steps. I'm not currently reading any literature, or praying or meditating much. I've been smoking pot daily- and I don't want to just replace one thing with another. I don't know. Clearly it's due to my own actions or lack thereof. *shakes head* I'm disappointed in my self. This kind of slow winding-down is the precursor to the precursor to a relapse. I have to nip that in the bud.
