It’s like this weight holding you down, and it’s so heavy your whole body is being crushed underneath it. You can barely move, barely breathe, and the pain is indescribable. Like this radiation of anguish starting from your heart, seeping into your core. You don’t think any pain could ever be as bad as this. You pray for it to end but it’s relentless. You cry, you cry for so long until eventually, you can’t cry anymore. You have no more tears left and your body is utterly defeated. The slightest task like sitting up in bed makes you feel as if you’ve ran a 5k. And the weight is still there pushing down on you, but now the pain is gone and instead a wave of numbness sweeps over you. At first you’re happy the pain is gone, but soon the numbness too becomes unbearable. Your body feels hollow, like a shell. You can’t imagine ever feeling anything but empty again. It’s as if you can feel your heart rattling around in your chest, bruised, beaten and left for dead. That’s when it starts. You’re desperate for feeling, any feeling, desperate for the pain again because at least that reminds you that you’re still alive. But the pain won’t come, you can’t control it, it controls you. You feel completely hopeless, Inhumane, lifeless. So you think of what you can do to feel again. Feel anything. You hate yourself for being this way, you hate everything about your existence, but you’re also so scared, because you want to live, to breathe, to be happy. But why should you? What have you done to deserve to be happy? You’re useless and so many others have it so much worse than you. So you press down until you feel again, and until the red assures you your heart is still beating and for a little while you feel alive, in control. It’s the perfect coping mechanism because you know you’re hurting yourself but you deserve it for being the way you are. The cycle is vicious and irrational and utterly terrifying, and the only way out is to give in.
annaxmalina
blakekathryn
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
izzy806
areudirty
prguitarman
