Once

studyblr + original photography

[takemethroughthis]

i want to die

and with stuff like this said to me so casually...smh

[takemethroughthis]

august 2017 is approaching. @ God pls give me reason to live past that.

[takemethroughthis]

This is not an appropriate to start to want to cry.

[takemethroughthis]

I have no idea why but 90% of the stuff she says triggers me so bad I can’t even explain.

And this is one of the reasons why I am now so hesitant to tell her if I’m called for a job interview. Every single time, I get to hear those pointless and unnecessary words and I can’t even explain how angry, sad and demotivated they make me.

And now, as always, I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like not going for the interview and letting another opportunity go. 

I don’t know how one person can always manage to extract all the positivity from situations...every time..

I feel like going to sleep for a very very long time.

[takemethroughthis]

Idk... I feel like other things may fall into place one day but not my issues.... I feel I will never ever be fine. That I'll keep feeling like this forever. And I'll be so so unhappy. Idk things feel so impossible. I don't see a single point in living. Everyone discusses stuff about the future but I never feel it.. any talk about unis or jobs or whatever feels really irrelevant and something Imnot related to. I talk just coz everyone else does. I don't even want my parents to spend more money on me.. not even on little things. Coz I just don't know... about the future.

[takemethroughthis]

too many people have now recognized signs of depression and recommended me professional help... except for my family.

[batcii-archive-deactivated20210]

i’m in this very odd bubble 

like logically, i know i have a lot to do

but like, emotionally, i’m just.. not.. registering it??? i’m not so much calm but like.. standing in a sound proof fishbowl watching all of my obligations press their faces to the glass, yelling and knocking, and like, my homework and emails are teaming up to make a battering ram and my job is trying to tunnel under and i’m just standing here watching it all in muffled, deaf silence like “ok”

[takemethroughthis]

I’m sure God is sending help though.

[takemethroughthis]

im glad ba thinks differently.

but the amount of triggered that i get when the future and unis start getting discussed is way too...intense. people always ask what stops me from being even remotely motivated about unis...i can never answer

im dead in the inside im terribly scared of the future. i fear it’ll be other narrow minded people controlling me. i get thoughts of not living past august 2017. i feel absolutely incapable of every single thing. life scares me too much. i do not have an ounce of passion left. 

i feel im not supposed to go on anymore

[takemethroughthis]

well I do wonder why so much money is being spent on our education then.

i want to leave everything forever. it is getting harder and harder to keep my mind okay.

[takemethroughthis]

i want my father and mother to be extremely happy and have alllll the nice things and just have all their worries and problems erased forever.

[takemethroughthis]

all this talk of post grad and jobs...i can never give a decent answer about these because i legit cannot see myself do anything...i only see myself not existing. every single thing feel soo pointless

[takemethroughthis]

are my parents aware that the only thing scaring me to death about the future and making me want to leave this world (since 2013) is them..especially my mum. i love them to bits but the kind of control that i expect will be exerted and mental pressures i will be put under...is all because of them.

i want to leave.

[takemethroughthis]

here’s what i feel the shittiest about:

i know my undergrad education was very very expensive and it was by far the biggest burden on my dad. literally all the stress and pain he had to go through was because of my uni. 

now obviously my plan, like any normal student’s, was to complete uni and start earning. my mum on the other hand, keeps stopping me from that??? like what exactly did you make me study this expensive ass degree for? i know you’re quite controlling but why are you wanting me to quickly apply for masters but not for a job? i complete my masters then what? i dunno but every single thing she says has undertones of marriage.

im pretty sure she thinks i’ll finish undergrad, finish masters then marry and live at home while a man earns. 

this shit is the only thing that’s killed all my desire and motivation to live since summer 2013. i thought she’d have changed though but nope. she thinks i just want to do a job for fun coz others do it or something. like are you serious?????

i get she has a veryyy narrow view of things but when my life is controlled so much i don’t feel like going on.

why does she care about how well i do in my studies if i am to take no advantage of it in the future? to tell people? for a good marriage cv? 

it kills my brain over and over and i seem to have no way out.

[takemethroughthis]

when will things change?

[takemethroughthis]

what is the shortest time anyone’s given to a research paper (which includes collecting and analysis primary data)?

[takemethroughthis]

God bless teachers who motivate students.