Take Me To Disneyworld

[takemetodisneyworld]

I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore…. I’m currently 6 months pregnant and I’ve been trying so hard to be strong and not let things get to me for the sake of my baby but it’s so hard… I’m being tested on so many different levels… From being cheated on, to sitting back and watching this relationship fail on rebuilding trust because of female work colleagues, to being compared to other women. I just don’t want this life anymore. I’m not happy. I’m constantly sad and every time I voice how I feel, I get stepped on and get shit for it because how I feel doesn’t matter in this life. I get called a sook for crying and being emotional, get called annoying for having feelings and get yelled at for trying to express how I feel. I’m constantly questioning myself do I want to keep living like this? And tbh the truth is I don’t, I want out. I know I don't need him, and I know I can raise this baby alone. Everything about this relationship is the complete opposite to what I ever envisioned for myself. Firstly I never thought I would ever get into a relationship with someone who has two kids with their ex wife still being very involved (living together during the time), but I learnt to accept it and I ended up loving his kids so much. Secondly, I never thought getting my first house with a partner for the first time would mean his entire family was moving in with us, not to mention their two dogs which has totally ruined the yard and has pretty much restricted us from using the yard which I was really looking forward to using with the kids and to relax during my down time. But not once did we get a chance to enjoy this massive milestone together. Thirdly, falling pregnant and constantly being accused of cheating and reminded that the dad doesn’t think he’s the dad... Like how much more fckd up can my life get right? It’s so messed up that it sounds like a god damn movie. To constantly go through every day trying to be positive mentally and physically (for everyone else) but deep down these thoughts just keep coming back to me and making me realise how unhappy I really am. Am I just trying to cover up the reality of it by avoiding what I'm really seeing or feeling? Or do I just keep hoping and hoping that things will eventually get better? Do I stay until the baby arrives and see if things will be different? Or will it just mentally ruin me even more doing everything that I’m already doing plus taking on a new born with no help? When will I be strong enough to leave.....

[takemetodisneyworld]

Lost....

I don't even know what to feel anymore. I just feel completely numb and lost. So many broken promises and so much disappointment in my life... Im starting to wonder, what did I ever do to deserve being treated this way? I really don't know how a happy pregnancy has instantly turned into such a shit show... It’s like everything that could possibly have gone wrong, or bad has literally happened to me. Like wtf have I done wrong to deserve this!? I really want to know! Im not shady, I'm not selfish, im not mean, nor am I a liar! If anything, I am the opposite to all of that! i guess it’s true what they say, nice guys always finish last.... Im just so tired of constantly feeling betrayed and hurt when all I do is put others before myself. Is this the universes’s way of punishing me for doing that? Maybe I should just become a bitch, become selfish and not give a fck about anyone's feelings and just fck with their feelings. Maybe then, I wouldn't constantly be feeling depressed and sorry for myself. 

You would think that if you treat others with kindness, that you would get the same back in return. Instead, it just makes you disappointed and confused as to why they aren't returning the gesture back. All my life I have constantly put others before me because when I care or love someone, I want them to have and live, a happy and easy life. it has been my way of showing them that I am in it until the end. But of course, I just get mentally abused and taken advantage of. Now I realise that it is my fault why I get treated the way I do. I am so forgiving and I just want to move forward with the person I love, that I constantly give them chances because I never want to lose what we have built. Little did I know that I was giving them permission to hurt me over and over again... This whole time I have allowed all these pricks to walk all over me and hurt me openly, all because I have never set any boundaries. I guess I will never learn unless I become a cold bitch. So cheers, and here’s to becoming a cold heartless bitch. Let’s see if I'll still be feeling depressed or if I'll be celebrating life.... For once...

[takemetodisneyworld]

I feel so alone…. I feel so lost…. I just constantly feel lost and confused in my mind and I just don’t know what to do…. All those times he accused me of cheating and constantly putting me down, turns out he was the one that’s being shady this whole time. Chatting up someone I thought was my friend, both knowing damn well I was pregnant with him… Can you imagine waking up next to him cuddling him and then receiving a screenshot of a conversation with him and this “friend” talking about wanting to kiss each other and watch movies together…. It destroyed me. I could not believe it was happening to me. I could not believe after all those accusations, it was him this whole time…

The hardest thing is I’m expecting a baby with him… and even though he doesn’t think it’s his, I am not putting myself through another abortion because of his fck ups. I do love him, and I do love his kids so much… I want this to work but he has broke us… he broke my trust and I don’t think I can ever trust him again. He told me he wanted to prove to me that he wants me and wants to work on our relationship but he has shown me nothing. Nothing but still willing to end it every time he’s not happy. I’m the one that’s hurting and lost and he still seems to make it all about him and have the upper hand…. I really don’t know if I can do this anymore. I have another little human to think about now and I just cant keep getting stressed over his bullshit…

[takemetodisneyworld]

Again....?

I can’t believe it....  It’s happened again, and this time I have just completely given up and lost hope. I don’t even know how to begin to explain how mentally and physically drained I am. Every time I think about it, I just want to grab my face and cry... Do you know how hard it is to sit on a train to hold everything in? Do you know how many times I had to close my eyes and take deep breathes at work to make myself cool down and act think nothing is wrong? It’s just getting way too much and it really is destroying me. 

I love him so much and I want to be with him so bad! But this isn’t how a relationship should be like. This isn’t what love should feel like. I don't know how someone can just constantly find unusual things around the house and accuse the person they love just because they have some insecurities! The most frustrating part is I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am such an expressive person, so I always tell him how I feel! I am so in love with him yet all he sees is the worse in me!

I do nothing but stay home with his family and just clean and watch movies because I’m even scared to hang out with my friends (to avoid fighting). Why am I the one tip toeing around when I do nothing but try to keep him happy, and put him and the kids first? its just so fckn unfair... I just want to scare and break things because he's not listening to a single thing I’m saying. I just want him to wake up and realises how faced up his accusations are!

[takemetodisneyworld]

Hi.....

Hi guys, I've made this blog for no main reason but to have a place where I can let everything out, so that I don't have to bottle everything up inside alone... I've been doing that so much of that and I really don't know how to describe the feeling but I’ve been getting this very uncomfortable chill through my body. It happens every time I get pushed to breaking point... I know its very unhealthy for my mind and body too because the feeling goes through my whole body.... and it some what physically hurts.... 

I believe it started happening from the day I got accused of cheating.. It’s so ridiculous and I know I shouldn't even be letting myself put up with this bs but I love him so much. It’s just so damn frustrating when you haven’t done anything wrong and you get accused for the worse. No matter what I say or do too, he just won't believe me. It’s ruining me as a person because I don't know how to deal with it but get agitated about the fact that he won't believe me. It’s almost easier if I did cheat..... At least then I would have just owned up to it and dealt with the consequences. But I am not that fckn person he's making me out to be ! It’s driving me insane to constantly try to prove my innocence when there is literally no way of me doing that because he has such a set scenario in his head. 

The shitty thing is that we’ve agreed to move forward from it too. Try to amend our relationship and make it work, and we have been which feels so great at that moment but once things are going really well, we’ll somehow end up having an argument or a disagreement, and he’ll always resort to putting me down and calling me a cheater. I don't know how anyone can continue to live their lives being called something they're not without letting it get to them. If anyone has tips on that, I would really like to hear it. 

I don't know what I'm suppose to do or how I’m suppose to deal with this but I just want to be happy......