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ECQ feels

— I asked for some friends and He gave me a family.

f r e s h m a a a a n

geeeez, i finally had the chance to post an entry. been off for quite some time. i checked my last entry and i totally concluded that this time, it’s a more mature person who’s writing. it’s a daughter who grew more in love with her Almighty God

Let me begin by sharing how my college started. I am a bit hesitant to reminisce such moments as it may affect me in a not-so-good way again. As it took me a huge leap from being a highschool-er to a freshman in college, i found the adjustment period quite tough for me to handle. There were a lot of new faces of course, night schedules, ineffective profs, and on top of it, I became part of a section where most scholars were situated. With God’s grace, i was given the chance to pursue my scholarship. For some reason, the pressure turned out to be so unhealthy in my part. I actually do not know if i just pressured myself or whatever; what I know was, I was afraid. I was so scared that on my second day, I started to get anxious and had a difficult time to sleep due to overthinking. I found myself frequently crying without knowing what the actual reason was. I missed my friends; it was so hard to adjust. I prayed a lot and clung to His presence and grace. I lifted everything up to Jesus and trusted that sooner or later, I will be fine. It took me a whole week to get over that nightmare. That’s something I definitely wouldn’t want to experience again. my faithful God lifted me up from that situation.

Fast forward to the departure of my aunt--during the nightmare I previously mentioned, it was my aunt who stood beside me. And since they stayed with us two months-long, I couldn’t help but to feel real lonely when they had to go back to US. A day after they left, I just missed everything we used to do. aaand that was another struggle for me. Nonetheless, we were able to get over that home-sick matter by means of frequent video chats hehe. thanks, technology. Again and again, we made it thru because of His grace.

This year, even though it’s not done yet, is a year of surrendering to His love. When 2018 started, I never thought it would get challenging as it went. I never thought it would make me cry more than I did the previous years. I never thought I would grow more in love and faith with Him. I can’t find the right words to fully express how overwhelming it felt and it still feels up until this time. Now at all times, I feel loved more than ever. I am very thankful to come and discover how great His love is.

in this entry, i just would like to emphasize that it’s indeed amazing to finally know by heart who God is in this life.

CLING ONTO HIS PRESENCE.

belittled

Whenever you say something disadvantageous in our part or most likely to my mom, the more I would like to strive more and provide the best for her. I am starting to figure out walls being built against these people who are supposedly relatives yet so close of saying every single thing to “unknowingly” belittle us. My family is not financially stable, yes. For years, I’ve been clinging to a scholarship and work my ass off to study just to maintain it and be able to stay in a prestigious university. I pay effort, I persevere—all because I wanted to provide the things you guys made it so obvious we don’t have. I cannot understand why we have to put others down. I mean yes, we do struggle financially but is it not too much to take if every now and then you do mention it as if I cannot recognize the sarcasm in your statements? I have always wanted to reach my goals for my family and it pains me a lot to still be able to experience those attitude for a couple more years. It makes me want to speed up everything and prove to you guys that my family has a future and they deserve the best. The fact that you are relatives does not, indeed, guarantee genuine relationships and sole admiration of getting or helping each one to reach their goals the BEST way possible. We are already aware of what’s in front of us. We are doing what we think could benefit our family. I feel so fed up when you underestimate something they worked so hard for. You guys are lucky as someone provides everything you need: necessities and stuffs, even luxury at times. In times when people are struggling and given that those people are your “relatives”, just be more of a motivation or strength than a burden they have to face every now and then. Words really do cut deeper than a knife. I will do my best, count on it.

be happy, my dear.

summer 02

There are many things in life that we try so hard to understand. It often feels empty inside when we are left with no answers to certain questions we ask. In life, learning does not stop. There is no point when we could stop receiving new information. We are always bound to learn. And so with all the lessons life could offer, what could be the most important one? Life is not simple but rather complex. It may be easy to utter words that one must live a simple life but how is it even possible when life itself is shown through complex situations. It is possible to live a life the simplest way if and only if we master the key to achieve it—happiness. The most important lesson life has so far taught to me is to be happy.

I read a text from the net that I would like to share in here. It is about the last words of Steve Jobs, a prominent person in the business industry. I suppose many of you are familiar with him. He is by far, one of the wealthiest people all over the world. But then again, come the time he faced the last moments of his life where he laid on his bed seemly waiting for death to come approach him, he realized how discontented he was with the life he lived. A common person like me would actually think he is one of the luckiest people because of his achievements and more so for the billions of dollars he owned. However, that thought did not actually matched the last statement of Jobs. He was unfulfilled and unhappy at the same time. The world may be driven with what money could provide: power, luxury, material things, and etc. But then again, no matter how powerful and wealthy you become as a person, you still are rooted to find utmost satisfaction from one certain thing in life that no amount of money could buy—genuine happiness. This statement from Jobs hit me so hard and did alter my perspective towards an individual’s success. I, too, are one of those who actually thought life becomes a whole lot better with money, with a luxurious life. And so, I dreamt to become successful by earning a lot in the future. Fortunately, things unfold and I come to understand what’s real. I must admit, life becomes a lot easier when accepting how it works. YOU MUST BE HAPPY and with that, it means you should feel contented, thankful, and blessed. Everything starts with happiness. Find the genuine happiness with the people around you, with the experiences life continuously offer to you, and with the unconditional love and grace the one from above gives you.

Come the time we finally contemplate with how we lived the life He gave, may we all be proud and satisfied because we have lived it the happiest way possible.

one of my favorite song lines

summer 01

i will mostly find myself doing nothing during this summer so i might as well fill my this account with stories or insights rather that i’d like to share hehe. so at the moment, i am in so much boredom that i think i already am annoying my friends by sending nonsense messages. but who cares? it’s not that we are going to have the same amount of time to spend together this school year, right? we all are taking different paths which probably means lesser time for one another. as i get bored, i have a lot of things in mind. i think about the people who inspire me, people i miss, and those who are just so toxic to handle. h-u-m-a-n-i-t-y is confusing! one day, they are people who make you remember your worth then the next day, they become the very reason of why you are so stressed----the cycle repeats, man. good thing i kinda set myself from being more of the appreciative type than someone who always regrets. let me begin with those who are too toxic to handle. some of my friends give me rants about their problems and believe me that is sooooo soooo fine with me. i feel more special and worthy of a place in their lives when they share things with me. but guaranteed, their problems would cause me a mini-attack-due-to-anxiety sooner or later. here’s the scenario: a friend rants---i would go give some advice like as if i am much of an expert----then days afterwards, i will find myself lowkey being too emotional because i somehow ended up being lonely as well with a certain problem i ain’t even sure if i really have or experience. it’s like i imagine myself suffering from the same problem i gave my friend an advice to overcome. ayun lang naman...weirdo? sort of. next are the people who are my inspiration and just give me a lot of reasons to be happy and thankful for. guess i cannot find the most appropriate words to use when i talk about the people who make my life more enjoyable or bearable? hehe. when i have such kind of people, i realize how life could be so simple. their simple ways of greeting me a good morning, sending me random messages, calling me, tagging me in some memes make me feel so contented. when everything feels so genuine, how can i even ask for more, right? and of course, the people i miss! lately, i have become someone who’s too expressive when i’m missing someone. i am not quite sure if i already appear too dramatic but one thing’s for sure, i am very certain and beyond sincere when i express myself because for the recooooord, i only have few people who i can completely express myself with. i still have a lot to share but it’s either i am too lazy to type or i’m afraid i’m not making any sense anymore bye for now hehe

this is getting too emotional for me hehe. I am getting sad. can we slow down?

few steps away

I think i missed a lot and do have a lot as well to share. Not sure where to start so bear with me with this entry hehe. my last entry was about my friends who up until this time I am not ready to let go of. Last day in school is fast approaching. As much as I want all the requirements to get done already, I think I can’t help but to wish not to stop spending time with my friends.

St. Expedite is one-of-a-kind and through time, I was able to find or perhaps unfold why God put me in this section. My thoughts concerning this group are well reflected in my previous entries. I have shared how I cannot find peace in this section, how I see their varying personalities, how they make things worse day-by-day (that was before haaaa), and how I prayed hard to God to have this bunch of people be in harmony. Look at it now; it’s amazing. It’s amazing that I get to appreciate each and every one of them (finally). This would probably be one of the best experiences God have given me. I can’t help but to thank Him for putting me under these circumstances, opening my eyes to the reality, widened my ability to understand, and pushed me to become more human. Words cannot explain how reasonable God was and will always be. In few more days, I will not be able to enter a room where only 10 students (that’s maximum ha) are present because the first subject starts at 7am. I will no longer hear the quarrels of min and anne which are too innocent to be taken seriously. I will no longer observe how they cut classes during SocSci and physics class. I will no longer receive random hugs from clarence, heart signs from mags, and daily dose of ka-praningan from Jam. No more out-of-the-context conversation with ednes who always finds way to pull out an insult for me (bugok ednes HAHA). My heart sings each time I cherish my moments with these people. I know there have been a lot of times that I got stressed because of the incompetence, idleness, and insensitivity coming from these people but I think the love and appreciation I have for them just outweighs all those I mentioned. I learned a lot, dear Expedite, and I am just so grateful.

---This part onward is written today. Today officially marks the last day of school and it is actually our graduation ball at Grand Palazzo Royale later at 5pm. Geez, idk what to feel? This is becoming too emotional for me. I won’t have the chance again to spend silly moments with my dear Expedite hehe. I guess I became too attached to them tho I am not quite sure it they felt the same? Anyways, we are about to reach the end. Maybe I will focus this entry to my dear expe’s and will have a separate entry for my other barkadas who I will also miss this much. I kept on playing the song “remember me” from the movie coco. My heart sings along with every moment I spent with these people. Guess God really loves me big time for giving me the imperfect people who brought the best experiences I will forever cherish.

Thank you so much, St. Expedite. ‘til next time

We try to be a source of comfort in this world drowning in chaos.

jagt

uh-oh

I suppose this would take time to finish. my last entry was in December 2017 pa; roughly one month changed a lot of things. One of the highlights of my 2017 happened before the year end and I could not be more thankful to God that He managed to pull that out. I have been, for quite some time, scarred with how our family relationship goes. We find it hard to share or open with one another; we are busy doing our own businesses seemly setting aside the fact that we need each other to get through anything. As we continue days without trying to seek for each other’s help, we did not notice how this made us emotionally devastated. It became usual for us to not ask for days how we are all doing. We were like individual borders under one dormitory. Until such time that I wasn’t able to bear it any longer, I decided to confront my parents about it. It was a one-of-a-kind-slash-change-bearing-conversation I have so long waited to have with my mom. I heard her insights, her side, on how it was also so painful for her to see that we seem like not caring with each other inside the house. I opened up to her every single thing I cried about and what I suppose is wrong within our family. It may sound corny for you but there is just so much more than treating it as “corny” especially when you know it is the thing that you needed to turn things upside down. Masayang maayos yung mga bagay na ang tagal-tagal mo nang kinikimkim. It was a domino effect which set all things in the right place and finally.....we ended 2017 all having a happy, well-satisfied, and love-filled hearts.

I started the year having high hopes of not becoming the old self I used to be. I want to become more of a person who appreciates and get appreciated with little things. I want this year to become low-key genuine. You know, it is just overwhelming to understand the emotions coming in and out of your self. It is way beyond satisfying to know how to handle them and to turn them into something which would further help you grow as an individual. I am drowning with the concept of understanding, empathy, and appreciation. I feel like everything goes around with those concepts. Perhaps, I really grew being an emotionally-inclined individual. I look after every emotion a person shows and tries to hide as well. I admire taking into deep understanding what a person goes thru in life to the extent of forgetting at times that I should not exceed to the line where this person sets his private life already. I want to understand things; why they happen, for what purpose, and of how essential it would be in life. I feel like being so deep these coming days.

WAAAH I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!

So 2018 was doing so great until this thing happened: my friends and I were stuck with an issue concerning our professor. And for the first time in decades, we fought over that petty issue for almost a week. sobrang big deal lang kasi never kaming nag-away nang ganun katagal ha. With that span of days, I actually realize how heavy it is to feel the burden of having serious misunderstandings with friends. Walking by the corridor, seeing each other, but choosing not to approach. napraning ata ako ng slight. but then again, we will always find a way back in each other’s arms? HAHAHAHA YUCK! You will know the real worth of a certain person when you had arguments. If it does not make you at ease and worries the hell out of you, that person is probably someone important to you. In my case, these friends are my precious gems.

absolutely unaware of what I have to write this time. I just felt the need to open my laptop and write whatever’s gonna be out from my mind. it’s the 20th of december; roughly five days before Christmas day. Home’s got decorated and all but we seem ordinary ((or at times worse kahit Christmas season haha)). gladly i do have my safe haven at 7:30 in the evening since the 15th of december. i get to have myself isolated from all sht happening. I know I don’t have to complain over simple matters I end up not having this Christmas; it happens though. It happens that the youngest shall first receive the favor and if something’s left for us (elder siblings), thankful shall we be pero if wala, intindihin na lang. Matured enough to know such kind of stuff. Perhaps the best way to accept this “annual crisis” is to just keep in mind the purpose of the occasion; that is, to celebrate His coming. It appears weird how they become lesser every year or how financial problems get worse than they are in the previous year. sometimes, no matter how you push yourself from just accepting what’s already there, you will also end up asking why things go that way. dagdag pa natin how we treat each other at home---definitely not the right manner of preparing for Christmas.

home’s got me feeling so empty

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