Back story: I graduated with a degree in Elementary Education in December and started working at the school I’m currently at in February as a 2nd grade teacher. The principal moved me up to 4th Reading/Writing this year, which is what I had hoped for.
Present day: Honestly, I’m at a loss. We’ve been in school for 2 months and I still feel like shit every day. I have panic attacks on a weekly basis and don’t know what to do anymore. As new teachers, we’re assigned mentors. My mentor happens to be the reading coach, and while she is a fantastic person, she’s also extremely busy and never around as a result. Since she’s so busy, I don’t get the chance to sit and talk with her often (unless I email her and she can tell I’m desperate, then she makes it a point to come see me). I’ve told her how I would like help from someone in the district or I would like to switch back to 2nd grade and she’s just kind of brushed it off. She tells me that there is no way I’m going back to 2nd because I’m too good of a teacher, and she always says she would like to help me whenever I ask about the district person. While she has the best intentions and I can tell that she truly does want to help me, she is literally never around and ends up not being able to make it to my classroom when we schedule for her to come because she gets pulled somewhere else.
I think my mentor is part of the reason I have so much anxiety. I can tell how busy she is, and even after asking her multiple times if she wants me to ask for a new mentor, she always says no because she wants to help. Therefore, I feel like crap giving her all this extra work to do for me, and sometimes, I just don’t want to ask her for help because I feel like a burden. As it is, I already email her questions on a daily basis and it’s so annoying.
So every time I tell her about how stressed I am and how this I don’t plan on teaching again, she always reassures me that I know what I’m doing and there’s nothing to be worried about. While I know that’s what our mentors are supposed to say to us, every time she tries to tell me I’m a great teacher, it makes me feel even worse. I don’t know how to explain it, but I can tell when I’m doing something well or when I’m not, and although I can’t put it into words, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m failing these kids. Problem is, I have no idea how to get that message across to her. I don’t need reassurance that I know what I’m doing, because my gut tells me otherwise. And now I don’t even ask for help anymore... I just keep the fact that I’m drowning to myself.
At this point, I really don’t know what to do. I’m at a Title 1 school and we’re currently a C, so there’s a lot of pressure for us to move up this year. While I love everyone at my school- the staff is supportive, the kids are wonderful- I’m terrified of letting the school down and not getting these kids to where they need to be.
Although I know I’m definitely not teaching again after this year (going to enlist in the Marines to figure out what to do with my life), I was wondering what everyone’s opinion is on this year. Do I quit and tell the principal I’ll stay until she finds someone, or do I stick it out for the year? I don’t even know what would be best for the kids anymore. Any advice is much appreciated.
