@talial50-blog - Tumblr Blog

Go peep my insta account devoted to my blog about life, Crohn's disease, GI surgery, and how to function in-between all of the chaos that autoimmune disease brings. Thanks friends 🤗

purplechocolatekisses

Help Everyone Find A Job In Their Field

afroclusterfunk

Money cat can only do so much

blaquerose

@special-agent-tits-akimbo

iatrogenic

Screenshot posts like this stress me out so much because CHARGE YOUR PHONE I FEEL UNSAFE.

Anxiety with Crohn's Disease

Crohn's Disease in and of itself is anxiety-inducing. With stigma surrounding bathrooms or bathroom habits, the idea of your ulcerated, inflamed bowels causing frequent bathroom trips is enough to send one into a state of panic. Suffering from both severe anxiety and Crohn's Disease is crippling. Being anxious causing my disease to flare, which causes me to be more anxious. Vicious cycle isn't it? Well tonight is a perfect example of that cycle. Right now I am sitting up in bed after only getting about 4 hours rest. I woke up to go to the bathroom (because Crohn's yay), but after getting back in bed a sense of absolute panic washed over me. I don't know why, but with my anxiety I will often have a physiological panic reaction when I don't feel nervous about anything. Crohn's Disease is an autoimmune disease and flares up in high-stress environments. Anxiety is obvious a high-stress situation for the body. So I'm here feeling anxious (heart rate increased, breathing rapidly speeding up, shaking) and because of my disease my lower back/abdomen hurt and I'm close to vomiting. I try to take my immediate release anti-anxiety meds, but when you're nauseous that's a harder task to accomplish. If you or someone you know suffers from both an autoimmune disease, be patient with them. That's all I've got.

With how my health has been recently coupled with the continuous tragedies happening in my country as of late, I've been thinking a lot about how I would want to be buried, end of life care, and Heaven. I can't handle thinking about who I would be leaving behind, but I do want to be the best possible version of myself so that when those who knew me look back on my time here on Earth they have wonderful memories. One of the most influential people in my life Tracey Sullivan passed away just after I got out of the hospital in November. She will always be a big part of me (I say that spiritually and physically as I got a tattoo in remembrance of her). She loved me as she loved hundreds of thousands of teens in her lifetime, yet still made each one of us feel like we were her world. I wasn't physically able to attend her funeral as I was about two weeks post-op at that time, but it was so monumental that it was broadcast for people across the world to watch. I can't imagine my funeral would come close to something like that, but maybe I can touch just a fraction of the lives she did. Maybe when I pass, whenever that may be, I will be very missed. I want to try to love how she loved. She loved everyone regardless of their past, sexuality, race, the list could go on and on. I know that I myself cannot exude that kind of love alone. I need to be back in church and working on my relationship with God before I can show that kind of selfless love. While he is in the same weird time in life spiritually as I am, I think Jerry reminds me a lot of Mrs. Tracey. I can't hardly imagine how amplified his patience, empathy, kindness, and love will be when he is back where he needs to be spiritually. I so strongly believe that I've gone through hell three times over to mold me for something incredible, and I believe the same for Jerry. If I pass before him (which I don't want to happen but I also can't imagine this world without him), I wouldn't want the burden of planning a funeral to be solely on his shoulders. Speaking of passing, if I'm suffering and feel in my heart and soul that it's my time I would like to be taken off life support or have a DNR if that situation were to arise. I want Jerry to work with my parents to organize a small funeral and I'd like to be buried with my mom's family next to all of the members who passed way too soon. No viewing because I don't want people to see my body without a soul, unless of course it would be comforting to my loved ones. I want the funeral to be something they would enjoy, well, enjoy as much as you can considering the circumstances. It's weird but I would like one of my favorite songs by the Smiths played at some point, maybe during a slideshow or something. Jerry will now what song I'm talking about. That's all I've got so far, and I know it's morbid, but I just want to be sure I don't leave behind a big mess f questions considering funeral arrangements when that's the last thing anyone will want to worry about. So there you have it Internet, my end of life preferences. Enjoy.

To all you ostomates (individuals with an ostomy of any kind), think long and hard about getting reconnected if you are given the choice. I just went through my second reconnection surgery in the span of 8 years (total of 5 surgeries just disconnecting and reconnecting my intestines how fun), and if I am stuck with an ostomy again... I'm not sure I would choose to reconnect for a third time. I have a phenomenal surgeon who has given me the most precise, clean incisions I've ever had, no seriously they're beautiful, but for some reason I've hurt more than ever after this surgery. Don't get me wrong, waking up with an incision that split me in two and another ileostomy sucked and I thought at one point I was dead, but with this you feel like that while having to get up to the bathroom frantically at all hours. But today I ran into a very precious, wise woman who reminded me that God must be preparing me for something incredible. I thought he had me go through all of my medical trials as a kid and teenager so I could be a nurse, but I was wrong. I'm not sure what He has in store for me, but after all of this pain and suffering I have this feeling it's going to be better than I could possibly imagine. I want to help people like me and let young adults know that you can live with regular hospital stays, tubes out the wazzoo, and more surgeries than Dolly freaking Parton. You can even find the love of your life and seem like a high-functioning member of society. It's hard work and sucks sometimes, but I feel like one tough chick... I just don't think I can do this a third time. We'll just have to see what the future holds. That's all for now for my random Tumblr rants.

A few things

Alright so not only do I have significant life stressors like major health issues, job/work problems, and depression/possible eating disorder that need to be dealt with that my roommate and best friend have NO IDEA about because she's a shitty friend, but my pills are also missing. Over the past three weeks I've been counting my medications because I thought I noticed a few pills missing. When I came home from the hospital I noticed a collective 30 pills missing from my anti-anxiety meds to muscle relaxers to pain killers. All of these are hard to get prescription refills for and all of them are necessary when you have chronic pain and panic attacks. So I'm really pissed off that I now not only have to confront my roommate about the missing meds and I have to shell out some money to change the locks on my door. It's ridiculous and unfair. Plus I already have to be her parent and do the shopping for everything in the apartment. This place is filled with all of my things accept for a table and tv cabinet. If I move out on my own I would have everything I need, so she is literally contributing nothing to this place and it should be a partnership. Alright I'm done.