The First High School Boyfriend
It’s been almost 15 years so I can say this now: he definitely had stronger romantic feelings for me than I did for him. That’s not to say I didn’t have any. They were there, but the idea of dating someone and having a boyfriend was more interesting. That sounds mean, but it is what it is now.
Being the only girl in my family, my parents were pretty strict about me not actually going out anywhere with my new beau, but they allowed to him to come over and hang out. I feel like our relationship caused a strain on the friendship this guy had with my brother, but brother never said anything to me about it. They did, however, stop talking for a while after we broke up (which I’ll get to soon enough.)
When the winter holidays rolled around my family and I flew back to California to visit relatives, everyone was curious about this boyfriend I had. A lot of the adults liked to point out that I wasn’t dating a Mexican boy. Like, I didn’t really think about that sort of thing when I was attracted to someone, so I was a little surprised at how much they brought that up. It was a long winter break for me. This was a time befoe high-speed internet and it wasn’t yet the norm for everyone to have cellphones. Some had them, but not me. I wanted to talk to this boyfriend of mine, but it had to wait until I got home, and even then it was hard to get a hold of him by phone.
He wasn’t a fan of a lot of the music I liked, and that was fine by me. I never cared much if people liked the music I do. Music is personal and I understand we all have our own tastes. He started to share with me the music he liked, and I found that I liked it also.
Valentine’s Day came around, and he was waiting for me with an a heart shaped balloon with a white rose inside (my favorite flower at the time). I don’t think I gave him anything. Maybe a handmade card? I don’t know anymore. First time girlfriend. Didn’t know what to do.
After Valentines and before his birthday in March is where my memory gets really fuzzy. I recall his birthday arriving, and our friend made him those jello cups that look like earth with gummi worms coming out of it. I also recall feeling too shy to take one, and I figure if that’s the case then we must have broken up before then and since we had mutual friends I didn’t want to stop hanging out with everyone.
We had already slowly started pulling away from each other, and I think I saw it coming because I wasn’t surprised by the contents of the note he slipped in my hand when before my first class started. I waited until morning break to read it, and it took me a while to process what was actually happening.
My friend found me crying in the restroom, and a couple of others asked if I wanted them to beat the guy up. I told them no. I saw it coming, and I’d get over it.
But I also remember thinking that it wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. Breakups were supposed to happen verbally, not through notes, and I always felt that it was going to be me doing it, not him.
For as upset as I got, I was never angry at him for breaking it off. His note was extremely apologetic. In the end, he said something about valuing us more as friends (a feeling I shared), and that he was sorry he didn’t feel what he did in the beginning. He also added that since I was moving back to California at the end of the school year, it was probably best. It was until a day or two after when I noticed someone new hanging around and on him that I started to feel anger. I knew him enough to know that it wasn’t something that just started, so that meant they were cozying it up before he ended things with me. The idea didn’t sit well with me at all, and I felt very disrespected by both parties.
The new person wasn’t actually new to me. In fact, they were one of the few people in high school who was open about their admiration for me and my ability to draw. They even had a fanclub for me (which weirded me out, but no harm no foul so I let it be). This was the person who changed the way my ex felt about me. Was it a personal attack on me? Was it just a coincidence? I don’t care anymore but I admit that I’m still curious about the events that led up to the breakup.
The ex and I kept things civil, but he was fully aware of how betrayed I felt. If we talked directly to each other we kept a friendly distance, but mostly I stayed away. Our mutual friends I only talked to when I noticed he wasn’t around or when they sought me out instead. I think some of them were upset too with the change in the dynamic of our little circle after the new girlfriend reveal.
I got over my anger/jealously pretty quickly, because I truly did value the friendship we once had and I wanted it back if he was willing. He was, and we mended our relationship as best as we could before I moved away. After that, we kept in touch via AOL Instant Messenger (that used to be a cool thing), and then eventually via text msgs after I got my first cell phone with my new part-time job money.
We talked about everything that wasn’t about dating people or the want to date people. There were drunk phone calls and text conversations at 3am. Mutual friends taking over his phone asking if I’d consider dating my ex again. I always politely refused, and they always said they understood. They had always liked me more.
The conversations between us began to get very deeply personal. Things I couldn’t share with anyone else, didn’t want to share with anyone else, and things I didn’t know how to tactfully handle. But I did my best, I think, because we’re still friends now even if we only talk through the odd comment here and there on our many social media accounts.
I would very much like to spend an afternoon with him and briefly get to know the people who important to him in his life now. Maybe one day it will happen, but until then I’ll just continue to send him good vibes and wish him the best.