In My Feelings & I'm Not Aubrey

I been running from them, but my feelings caught up with me

[tamsavage]

Birth Charts are important

[tamsavage]

Thought Dumps

I have not done a thought dump in a really long time and I think that I should get back to that to get some stuff outta my head and off my chest. So I will get back to it soon 🫣

[tamsavage]

Thought Dump - 10/24/24 -The Tell All Edition

So look ... I don't have a therapist yet and I have just been thugging it out. I have been a little more quiet than usual, but my mind is going a mile a minute. I have to dump this mess on you guys and hopefully you all won't run away from me.

I believe that I am going thru a depressive cycle right now. I only noticed that it may be an issue when I saw my clothes from my AUGUST trip to the Dominican Republic were not put away. They are clean and folded but just sitting in the chair in my corner. So weekend goal is to put up my shit.

I am starting to think that the men I like do NOT like me. Now don't get me wrong, these men LOVE me but they don't necessarily like me. I always discuss how LIKE and LOVE are two different things. And for me one is more important than the other.

Too piggyback that notion, love is an action word in my world.

My Dad came to visit and I learned so much about him. my family and why I have been trying to date men like him for all my life. The damn psychology people really know their shit.

My feelings aren't hurt, I am just disappointed. I am tired of saying that about my experiences.

When you really begin to work on yourself, there are just some things that are no longer worthy of your time. Also it makes your phone bone dry. People sometimes do not like the new you.

I had to admit to myself that I want a thoughtful and caring person as a partner. I am a hopeless romantic and I need a bit of romance in my relationships. I have been functioning like a fuck boy for so long that it is my default. But that never ever gets me the things that I want.

Last thing that I want to say is that, I want what I want. I have always felt like I never get what I want. But I am not going to stop until I get what I want.

That was a lot this week. I hope you all enjoy.

[tamsavage]

Thought Dump - Sex Edition 8/31/24

We are honest over in this space, so we will address some sex based thoughts. I am not having any sex currently and believe me it is not for lack of want. The fellas just keep fumbling the bag that had been placed in their proverbial laps. But maybe the Lord wants me to wait on THE ONE. *said with much sarcasm* Let's get to these thoughts.

Sex should be had with people that you trust. If you have developed a relationship of trust, then people feel free to be open to new things. Too many people are being intimate with people they don't even like because someone told them it is quantity over quality. We should be interested in good sex not just a lot of sex.

Men who don't use condoms and men who don't want to pay child support and men who support Agent Orange and could care less about abortion access = increase in femicide. Because if the baby will garner child support, the mother and child must go away. And how do y'all think that will happen?

There are a large number of men who were raped by older women when they were children. Every time I encounter a man who brags about having sex with an older woman when they were a child, it makes me sad, Some of these men see this as a badge of honor, but if it was a girl child THEY would view it differently. And it should be seen in the same manner.

Sometimes men believe because they are horny, a woman should be horny also. I have had men tell me how horny they while I am at work finishing my quarterly report. So what is the expectation? I really do not have penis on my mind 24/7 and I assume that men don't always have cooch on the mind. But the On Demand Horny irritates the shit out of me.

I feel like I could go on an on but I have to figure out what I am wearing when I go out tonight. Y'all have a blessed holiday weekend.

[tamsavage]

Thought Dump 8/24/24

Mercury and Gatorade has had me in my head over thinking and I been fighting the urge to act out. In an attempt to be a better person, I am choosing to word vomit here instead of causing scenes everywhere I go. So these are my current thoughts.

In my past, I would always feel like some sort of guinea pig in an experiment. That seems like strange thing to say, but when people are testing out the new thing ON YOU ... you feel me? I promise I don't want to be the first one you try it with. Try it with the other one before you get to me.

My intrusive thoughts have been very negative as of late. I have kept them to myself and been fighting air to prevent myself from adopting the unwelcome feelings. I am aware of why I am feeling that way, so I have currently chosen to re-evaluate certain influences in my life.

Honestly my weeks are better when I attend (watch) church on Sundays. I have never considered myself religious, but starting my week with a positive message has been a huge influence on my attitude.

I am working diligently to set a routine for myself that will maximize the way I spend my time each day. I have to squeeze some exercise in there if I want to be smaller for my trip to Cabo. Come on July 2025.

I need to get outside more. But I gotta find my people.

This is all I got right now, but there is always more to come.

[tamsavage]

Thought Dump Again 8/7/2024

I have actually started to have fun writing these. This is currently preventing me from doing a micro-podcast similar to Drunk Luv Confessions. I don't get sick of hearing my voice this way.

Dating Apps are like Shein to me. When I get on the Shein website, I like plenty outfits, but only a few actually make it to the shopping cart. And even if they make it to the cart, I may change my mind and remove it. Most of the time when the purchase happens, it is because it was on sale, very low in price and can be delivered in a timely fashion. But once I have it, most times it hangs in the closet or is not worn very often. Y'all can interpret that as you will.

I wonder how hard it is for people who wake up in the morning and spread nothing but negativity on Beyonce's internet all day. I pray happiness for those people. Because that has to be the most miserable existence.

I have a quick question for FaceTime/Video call people. Why? In my past life, FT calls had to be scheduled. I am now a "answer the FT call when it comes through". I am sure that has more to do with the person on the other end of the call. And now I am also a "you are gonna get this bonnet and crusty eye face" FT person. Stop laughing while you read this. This is your fault.

Leaving for vacation is so stressful. Once I am there, it is all good. But the packing and trying to figure out what I might POSSIBLY wear. Crazy anxiety. Thus I always overpack. Don't judge me, I want to be a little cute on vacation.

I promise you all will miss these when I get into therapy.

[tamsavage]

The beautiful country side of Barbados

[tamsavage]

[tamsavage]

Thought Dump 8/3/24

I am back with more random thoughts that have entered my head while I am visiting my parents. When I get a therapist, y’all are going to miss these things that I think about.

When people want to do a thing in a non-traditional fashion, why does it bother those that choose the traditional route? This woman discussed how she dates and how she does it in a non-traditional way and she is successful in what works for her. She received several negative comments about what was working FOR HER. She did not advise anyone to try it her way, she simply gave an example of what she does. I don’t want to throw around the term jealousy, but it seems that maybe the traditional route isn’t working the way they think it should. *shrugs*

I always feel like I would have made good money as a stripper when I was younger, but nobody told me how much money they made in their heyday. I am still mad about that. The way my life would be so different now.

At some point in my life, I thought that I would be the First Lady of some church. But I found out the hard way that a lot of choir directors/ministers do not play for my team. Especially the ones that I seemed to be attracted to.

My mother told me that she doesn’t trust people and that made me sad. Because to walk around everyday suspecting every person has an ill intent has to be the most stressful life. I advised her that she needs to seek out a therapist because that mindset is not healthy. But she doesn’t want to do that. I feel like her comfort level is survival and fear and I want her to relax and enjoy her life.

This is it for now but I am sure after trip to the Dominican Republic I will have plenty of thoughts to dump on y'all.

[tamsavage]

Thought Dump 7/15/24

I feel like I need to start doing these things so that I can get shit out of my head and somewhere else. While some people spiral with certain information, I get hyper-focused and create scenarios in my mind. Then I don't share my thoughts and I have to talk myself off of the ledge. So I need to share with strangers and let things go.

I have been having issues with my virtual church experience after discovering disparaging information about someone in the church family. It is public record and I understand that people can change, but child abuse never sits right with me at any point.

I don't catastrophize, but I do live in worst case scenario land. This is why I prefer clear cut communication so I know how to respond appropriately and move accordingly.

Being a romantic in a world where romantic gestures are seen as lame or corny is hard work. But I want all the romance. So if you read this and you like me, ROMANCE ME HEAUX!!!

Positive Coochie Reviews don't make me feel superior to any other woman. Good coochie doesn't keep people in your life. At least not for the right reasons and not for long.

I join dating sites when I am bored and want a good laugh. If you matched with me on one of them, I'm sorry. I probably never took anything you said seriously. I decided I should get a hobby instead of chatting with men I don't like.

I like surprises. If you know me, you can surprise me and I will probably love it.

I have abandonment issues. Because of that, I have to work on expressing my emotions effectively. There is always a fear of my emotions causing people to leave me, but I cannot hold to them forever and drive myself crazy.

I think this is all I got for the day. Thank you all for listening.

[tamsavage]

Ancel, Joe L., & Donald

How often do you hear people say that they have been ruined? I say it all the time, but I don't think that people understand what I mean when I say it.

Those names in the title of my post have ruined me. My Dad and my two uncles ruined me because they gave me an unrealistic expectation of men. When you grow up surrounded by men who fix everything, build things, are super intelligent and can cook; you search for that in romantic partnership. It was a set up. I'm struggling to find any men like them.

Someone advised me to pray for specifics in a man and I did try that. Jesus and I had a conversation about short men and he came through for me with plenty of biggens. So I asked for all of the stuff I saw in the men in my family, the ones I had admired all my life. And he came.

He was a hard worker, could fix anything, was a grill master, knowledge of vehicles, was a biggen and was fine as all outdoors. But I forgot to ask for an honest man. Dude was one of the finest liars I had come across. That was my fault, I didn't get my prayer right. But by the time I discovered the lies, I was too tired to pray for any penis person moving forward.

Now I blame my Dad and them for my singlehood. How dare that give me examples of things I can never have?! Its not fair to me and my female cousins. We are out here in the world searching for unicorns. AND THEY DON'T EXIST ANYMORE.

I am currently in my Build A Bear stage of life, but that is just as exhausting. A bitch is tired. Pray for me.

*this is a bit of sarcasm and truth in this post

[tamsavage]

Love Trauma

No I don't love trauma.

Have I experienced my fair share of trauma? Yes

Does my experience with trauma effect my relationships? Hell yes.

Every time i interact with men, specifically it shows up in the worst way. Makes me look like I am disingenuous and not connected to people that I care a great deal about. My threshold of trust is very small and I keep people at bay because of that. And I want to change that because if I don't will lose the people that I want to stay in my life.

My story goes: I like person. Person likes me back. I doubt person really likes me despite them saying so. The doubt begins and a step back a few feet. It becomes awkward and I fade into Bolivia. This is cyclical and I have been doing this since college. I am tired of the narrative. So I have to stop disappearing and stand in my emotions and feelings. That will be difficult because I am not interested in disappointment and hurt but that sometimes is a part of a relationship. I hate that part the most. But I have to give people a chance. It is unfair to have people fight unspoken demons they know nothing about.

Y'all wish me luck!

[tamsavage]

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#music

[tamsavage]

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[tamsavage]

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[tamsavage]

You really don't like natural hair

I have been natural since 1997. There was no movement, no specialized products, no spiritual journeys attached to going natural. I was a broke graduate student who could no longer afford hair appointments. The big chop was inevitable.

Upon cutting my hair, I learned that my natural hair was curly, later deemed kinky coils. I wore my hair natural, in braids and at one point my locs were down to my ass.

If you know me, you know that I can't stick to just one style. I would dye my hair and switch it up as often as possible. Even wearing wig or a weave at certain times. And that is where things took a funny turn.

The world would like for us to believe that there is a preference for natural hair, but as a natural girly the love I receive increases when I have a weave or a wig. The compliments increase, the dinner invites increase, the free drinks at the bar increase.

Nothing about me changes, just the hair on my head. I didn't lose any weight, I didn't get a BBL or have bigger boobs than the day before I put the wig on my head. So I need some answers from the fellas. Is it oochie wally or one mic?

[tamsavage]

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