Contemplations

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From three to none

Dear M,

I'm so fucked up. Je suis comme un bijou oxydé, que l'air empoisonne plutôt que ne lui donne vie. J'en perds mon anglais.

I had hoped for something high. I had hoped for something beyond great and beyond fears. Something more. More than just me, and me, and me again.

Why did I leave him ? Why did she die ? Why is she giving birth ?

All that I had loved, all that I love, and will always love I know, all that, it is just crumbling apart.

Everything I had taken for granted, his poised allure, his reassuring arms ; her big warm breasts and her little smile ; her brave face and funny laugh ; Everything, it's just falling. There's no more him to talk to me, there's no more her to talk to me ; and now, there's no more her, to talk to me only, without being concerned by another.

From three people who loved me, there's none for me now.

I am an orphan. I am a left-over. I am wasted. I feel lonely.

[tanahcontemplations-blog]

Renaissance

Dear M,

These past few months have been quite amazing and unique. Is it weird that I had such happy moments ? The summer was really sweet, even after this brisk spring.

I wonder if it was a way of managing my grief, or am I heartless ?

I've discovered a country I had loved from the beginning but not really known. I've found again people I had forgotten in my egocentric, selfish life over there. I've freed myself of some of my prejudices I had towards a certain vision and way of living. I've breathed, I've danced. I have, for once, fully lived.

I have found the path I want to take from now on. I never want to come back where I grew up. I want to live in wide and spiritually rich lands. I want to love people of different background than the people who used to surround me. I want to breathe a wilder nature than I ever breathed back there.

I am grateful for what she left me with. A newborn. A renaissance. A kind of new challenge. I still don't miss her. But I dreamed of her once. She smiled and she seemed happy for me. She was dressed in the same sort of dresses I liked. I was fond of them because that is the way she was usually dressed when she hugged me. When she kissed me. When she showered me with love and protection, and «God bless you, I will always pray for you my child ».

She also wore her familiar headband that I cherished because it gave her an air of wisdom and generosity.

She was wise I'm sure. And even beyond life, she is so giving.

T.H.

[tanahcontemplations-blog]

Broken Letters

Dear M,

I don't know how to begin this letter. Maybe I should ask you first to pardon my broken English. But this will fit with the general atmostphere of the correspondence. Broken letters...

Broken letters because something always breaks somewhere in our life. So it was with amazement that I realised I did not feel so broken when she left us. It was just so natural. I felt she was happy and rested. I felt she now waited for us somewhere over the colors of the sky and her appeasement just came to me so forcefully and peacefully, I coul not feel sadness nor anger. I only felt some kind of surrealism at the events unfolding so quiclky before us.

What has she become now ? Does she hear us ? Does she still love us ? Because with all my unbroken heart for now, I still love her so much.

Eventually I would miss her. Eventually I would feel empty, then sad, then lost. And loving her would hurt me.

Eventually, I'll be so broken that I will have no choice but to try to forget her, though afraid to let her go.

Only broken letters will stay forever, I hope, for her remembrance, for my survival, for my own eternity.

Yours.

T.H.

[tanahcontemplations-blog]

Welcome in my Thoughts

Correspondence in Broken English, Love, Saudade, Spleen, Beauté…