• T & her three •

[tandherthree]

One of Kori's close friends lost their 1 year old about 2 months ago. And we had another friends wedding yesterday. And I spent a big part of the wedding, lending a shoulder to the Mama who'd lost her baby. I have had a massive cry about it today. The stuff she was telling me about grieving your child passing away is just so heavy. I just can't...

[tandherthree]

I never considered myself a dog person. In fact, I used to say I hated dogs, besides my dog.

But i see dogs everywhere now and they make me sp fucking sad.

My mum is looking after my brothers' dogs and when we visited on Wednesdatly, I burst into tears and hugged my mum saying "dogs make me so sad".

LOL still crazy to me how heart broken I am about Yoki.

Kori asked the other day if I'd be open to getting a puppy for the kids for chirstmas. To which I also burst into tears about. The answer is a hard NOT YET.

I am so excited about the prospect of a puppy. I miss having a dog at home with me during the day. But I'm still not ready. The things that I am enjoying about Yoko being gone (1 less person to fret about when the gate or front door is open. The zero barking. And not feeling guilty about walks etc), I really am enjoying the break from.. I also like the thought of a puppy coming at the time when we need "a baby". Like when Harlow is a little older and we can really baby a puppy... (if that makes sense).

I'm definitely not ready for toilet training and teaching a new puppy things as much as I'm excited to love another cute little thing again. Maybe next Christmas...

Anyway, just missing Yoko a lot this week. Especially with Kori working away... Yoki Bubble was always particularly by my side whe K wasn't home.

[tandherthree]

I am in the mood for a little ramble.

Things are going pretty well. The school holidays have been and gone. I was glad to see then back at school, but we did enjoy these school holidays because the weather was so nice. We did many of our favorite hill walks.

I've been reading many parenting books and it probably comes at a good time. The older two are such a handful. They literally fight like cats and dogs. And I've resorted to letting them figure out a lot of their issues themselves, as they are getting old enough. But I'm constantly listening and intervening when needed. So like, I've stepped back but it's still bloody mentally draining.

Individually, the older kids are doing really well. They are great students at school and amazing little people. They just LOVE to HATE each other. The other day they were fighting because one kept touching the other's foot while they were playing their tech on the couch, so they had to hop off 30 minutes early. SO THEY WENT INTO INDI'S BED AND ELI READ HER HIS BOOK - WTF.

I'm also curious, those who have tech... What are your boundries with it? Our kids don't have an Ipad. But they have the nintendo switch. It used to have youtube but we got rid of it a few months ago so they only play the games they have brought.

Our rules are, no tech in the mornings or straight after school. But they can hope on it once dinner is finished; they have to have showered and tidied up their things around the house. So depending how quickly that happens, they are potentially on it around 6pm and they have to hope off at 7pm and read or draw until 7:30pm. Then on the weekends, we aren't as strict. It's usually not until after 9am and then once it's flat, on charge until it's 100% before they can hop back on.

Sometimes I think it's too strict and that I should be a little more flexible with times. But also, I thik they are on it a lot... So IDK.

Harlow is doing well, I'm loving her age. We visit my Mum every Wednesday, who looks after my nephew who's 3 months older than Harlow. The get along well. But he reminds me so much of what Eli and Indi were like at that age (well, they are still like this...). He is FULL of beans. Literally jumping off things, running around, throws everything, laughs at everything and is just so so silly. And it really emphasises to me how much of a gentle soul Harlow is. She's so chilled out... I mean, she can be like this at times. But she's mainly timid and reserved which is so so different to the older two kids.

I remember after I had the miscarriage, I had a reading. And she said my third Babe was going to be a girl. And that she was going to be a real perfect mix of my older two kids (which she is when it comes to looks) but she's going to somehow also be the calmest soul that really grounds us all. And she really does.

My little biz is going so well. I am so in love with what I'm doing. I am exceeding all my own expectations. I am busier than I expected to be and things tend to flow a little more the past month or two which is really nice. I am waiting on my 2024 business planner to arrive. And I can't wait to start setting out some goals and plan for next year (2nd year in business). So exciting.

Coles is also going pretty well. I enjoy going in for my two shifts per week. I am mainly doing supervisor shifts which is nice. Kori has been working out of town, so I haven't seen him all week and his just pulled in the drive way. So I might come and ramble another time. Bye.

[tandherthree]

This photo was taken just two days before he got unwell, 3 days before he passed.

This is a little jumbled as Ive come back and forth adding to this over the weeks.

On Monday the 10th of July, 2023 I threw a bone out the back for Yoko to chew on. He spent hours chewing away on his cushion. At one stage his back legs were hanging back off the cushion as he was gnawing and I said to Kori about him "living his best life".

Later that afternoon, I looked over while cooking dinner and noticed he vomited at the back door. So I went searching the house. In the past when he has had an upset tummy, he vomits on beds which was always so frustrating. Sure enough, he'd vomited on both Eli and Indi's bed as well.

That night I slept so lightly (because he was on our bed) and I feared him waking and vomiting or going out to the couch to vomit.

Our house doesn't allow us to block him out anywhere like our old house did so we kind of had no other choice. He had never slept a night outside either so that wasn't an option.

I woke about 3am when he jumped off the bed and he went to the couch and started dry reaching so I sent him outside. I stood freezing my tits off for a good half hour while he came in and out to eat grass.

We went back to bed eventually. And Tuesday morning, he was a little quiet and slower then usual but still seemed in good spirits. Nothing majorly concerning, just wasn't himself. He was drinking lots of water but hadn't eaten since the bone.

He didn't vomit until around 2pm and then spent the afternoon on his bed. It honestly didn't cross my mind that anything more concerning was happening because over his 10 years, he has had periods of being unwell like this. But I imagine, had it continued another day or 2, I'd have been more concerned.

At 7pm when I put Harlow to bed, he came out and jumped up on the couch with the older two kids so we let them stay up longer to sit with him because he looked really sad. He started to become really lethargic around this time too (which is when I actually started to become concerned) and was drooling a lot and the kids started worrying.

I assured them that he will be okay and that I would take him to the vet as soon as I'd dropped them to school in the morning unless he perked up over night.

I ended up having to go back into Eli because I could hear him still sobbing. And I remember saying that we really didn't know anything and that he has had times like this before but we shouldn't stress until we get more answers in the morning.

I wrapped Yoko up in his bed to rest and kept checking in on him. I had noticed his tummy was pulsating rapidly. And it was about 9pm when he got out of his bed and walked out to us before collapsing on the floor. I sat with him on the floor and tried to get him to drink some water. It was at this point I said to Kori "I actually think he is dying".

And from there we took him into our bed on his cushion. And rang the after hours vet. This was about 9:20pm.

The closest place we could take him was a 35 minute drive and we spent 15 minutes tossing up the logistics of taking him to afterhours. Only 1 of us would have been able to go while the other stayed home with the kids. Realistically they wouldnt do any tests or surgery at night on a dog, they would possibly give pain relief and that's it even though he didnt seem to be in much pain. He was just sleepy. So we decided to just wait until the morning and I was happy to stay up with him all night. Thankfully we did because he wouldn't have made it to the vet and only 1 of us would of been there while he died in the car.

I started filming him because he was twitching and having periods of convulsions. But it wasn't long after that we actually realised that was because he was so close to dying.

He started taking some deep breathes and I comoletely lost it. I was howling and repeating "oh Yoki, oh Yoki". Kori started sobbing too and then he asked if we should wake the 2 bigger kids. I couldnt think straight enough to decide if it was going to be too traumatic or something they would need. Thankfully he made the decision on his own and went and woke them.

Once they came in, I'm pretty sure Yoki only had one more breath before it was his last.

We spent the next 2 hours sobbing together and talking about all the memories of him. I've never cried so hard in my life.

At around 11:30, I said to the kids that we will have a hot chocolate to help melt our stuffy noses away and try and get some sleep. They slept in our bed which was torturous. I never sleep well with the kids in the bed so at around 2am, I got up and went to Indi's bed but I couldn't get comfortable and I was literally an absolute blubbering mess so I got up and sat on the couch instead.

I was in desperate need of panadol but we'd left Yoko in his bed at the back door and I couldn't bring myself to walk past him. So I eventually just fell asleep sitting up on the couch.

In the morning, Kori came out to me on the couch and we sobbed some more. The kids got up and we sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

Harlow got up and was a little confused but we tried to explain to her as best we could.

Once the vet opened at 8am, we rang and let them know we were bringing him. We all decided to go, after much debate. And say our last goodbye. It was so fucking hard.

We got the information for cremation and Kori headed to work for a few hours because money was going to be tight with cremation fees.

The kids stayed home and the day was so morbid. We all ugly cried, on and off for the whole day. Even Harlow was copying us and joining in too despite not understanding why.

The following week, waiting for Yokos ashes was heartbreaking. Everytime I drove home, from anywhere, I would sob knowing the house was empty when I got there. Harlow would walk in the door and say "hey yoko". And my anxiety when the post man knocked on the door with out the warning of a barking dog was a BIG adjustment.

I was picking up Indi from school a week and a half after he died. Eli was going home with a friend and Kori was getting his late birthday tattoo when I got the call that his ashes were ready to pick up.

We agreed that the girls and I would pick them up so he was back home for the weekend and just to get it over with.

But what I hadn't thought about was how confusing the vet would be for Harlow. When we pulled up in the car park, Harlow yelled "YOKO" with a shreik of excitement which literally peiced a hole in my heart forever. She thought we were bringing him home in 1 peice.

The empathetic looks in the vet brought lumps to my throat and it felt wrong to be paying money in exchange for my dog in ash.

We brought his cushion home. And his collar. His fur clippings and paw prints.

Harlow cried for 10 minute straight once we were home, repeatedly asking for Yoko. And the only thing that calmed her was sitting on his cushion in the sun with her Bun.

The girls and I had hot chocolates again and talked of fond times.

When the boys got home, they cried seeing Yoko's things.

It's now been over 4 weeks since he died, and it doesn't seem to get easier. I definintly think I'm taking it the hardest. I cry all the time, and everyone else has moment of sadness but not really the tears like I do.

I still cry most nights coming home from work knowing there won't be an excited little Yoki Bubble to step on as I walk in the door.

My heart still breaks when we walk in the door and Harlow has forgotten and says "hey Yoko".

The Sunshine shining on our bed lacks purpose when there is no little fluff to soak up the rays.

The little paw I used to pat as I drifted off to sleep has been gone without enough warning.

And I miss smelling your little popcorn furr. Your collar jingles and nail tappys on the floor boards.

The house is empty, even when its full.

The house is littered with more crumbs and food scraps that I had never noticed before. And the bin hasn't been raided since you left.

It's so quiet without you.

I honestly never ever thought I would take his death this hard. I think I thought we'd have more years to prepare and we would watch him age more. I think i just always thought he was just a pet. But he was so so much more then that.

💖

The weeks are passing by quickly and I still haven't finished typing this up. It's been over a month. I see people's beloved pets everywhere and Harlow often wants to spot the dogs out the car window. I never noticed these things so painfully before... I don't even really like dogs but my heart feels a little empty without one.

We talk often about our next dog, and I can't wait to love another special little guy like I loved Yoki. But my heart also can't bare the thought of ever having to go through another pets death. And then there are also thoughts of weather we'd ever love another pet as much as we loved him.

I finally brought a special box to keep his things. And it feel so right to have all his things in the one place.

I wish I could spend just one more time picking him and disrupting his snooze so that I could smell his little popcorn feet, look at his little overbite and give him a snuggle. Or just one more.time sunbathing on my bed with him.

I literally miss him so much.

[tandherthree]

Again, it’s been a while between rambles. But we’ve had a busy past few months or weeks. And I’m finally able to hibernate. 

The urge to hibernate has been strong for a few weeks but each babe had a birthday in May which brings times of busy.. They are now 9, 7 and 2. The kids are going well otherwise though. We have student-led conferences this week which will be cute. The older two are doing good at school, and loving soccer and dancing. I’m finding Eli is at a really good age at the moment and we have some amazing conversations which I love. He is growing up a lot. And Indi is mostly really good too but she’s angers easily and goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds which I remember was Eli at the same age. Harlow has hit 2 and MY GOD, it’s terrible honestly. I thought out of all my babies, she might skip the terrible two’s because she’s so reserved and timid but nope. She’s definitely chucking those tantrums. I’ve always had tricky toddlers though, they truly do test me. 

We also had a little family getaway weekend recently. It’s so hard for me to want to go away. I am such a creature of habit and I just think that the effort in the week leading up to a weekend away and then the 1.5 weeks it took me to fully unpack and decompress almost isn’t worth it. It was two nights away but honestly, It took up 2.5 weeks off my mental energy. BUT, I remind myself constantly that it isn’t always about me and that Kori was dying to get away and the kids (the two big kids) had an absolute ball. (Harlow was unwell, and we did spend 5 hours in the royal children’s ED due to a UTI). Anyway, I did enjoy some aspects and I’m glad the kids had a good time but that will do me for holidays for a while. 

My biz is going well. I have moments of panic that I’m not busy enough or that I need to do “more” but realistically, the load I have now is manageable and much more then that would probably be overwhelming while I’m still trying to find my feet. So despite the panic at times, It’s exceeding my expectations and enough for now. 

As for my casual job at Coles, it’s still going well. I’ve been there a year now. I am enjoying it still, but I am finding the hours hard (maybe just while it’s winter and my hibernating urge is so strong) to be up that late at night and it does take me a few nights to recover. 

Anyway, I think I just felt the need to word vomit as life has felt so busy lately and juggling all the hats has been a lot. I did have a meltdown the other day to Kori - That I’ve just been scrapping in especially the past few weeks while we have been busy. But keeping the house under control, 3 kids, holidays, birthdays and two jobs has been a lot for me to juggle. And I just needed him to see that... Recognize that I need help and I don’t always want to “ask” for it, I just want him to see it and do it. (He needs that reminder every now and again but as soon as we have the chat, he usually steps up which I’m really appreciative of). 

Thanks for coming to my rant. 

[tandherthree]

Me: I really need to stop eating like shit and drop some weight.

*just after dipping 500 biscuits into my coffee* which was "lunch"

[tandherthree]

K is away tonight for a wedding. And I love being able to plan a night to myself but also, wish I had friends lol

[tandherthree]

I got my hair done the other day by my previous boss.

I thought this might be the first time i missed hairdressing but yet again, I walked away thinking THANK FUCK that's no longer me.

It kind of makes me sad, that two years later, I still dont miss it. Like, did I hate it THAT much, was I THAT unhappy? Idk. Or was I just super ready to move on? And it couldn't have been better timing?

I walked away, feeling drained. Loved catching up with my ex-boss. I loved having my hair done, but the conversations are so draining. Hairdressers are so snarky and opinionated.

I am thriving living in my own little work bubble in my sleep biz. I get to choose the people I surround myself with and I love that... and I dictate everything on my own terms without worrying what anyone thinks... and then I have Coles work which is so effortless - I go, work and leave.

It does make me sad that I don't miss it. But then if I did miss it I'd probably be sad about that too hahahahahaha

[tandherthree]

There is lots going on around social media about ADHD and diagnoses as adults. And a lot of which resonates so much with me. It would make sense why I always found school so bloody difficult. But a lot of the things I high resonate with now are things that I've only recently started doing and noticing which is probably more likely due to the fact that I have 3 children, two jobs and a life to try and keep afloat. I dont think its consuming enough to ever sort help for ... But none the less, sometimes seeing the stuff about it on my socials is so validating and so nice to know I'm not alone with....

[tandherthree]

I don't know if any of this is going to make sense but the few things that have happened lately, that I guess have really solidified the way I am feeling are...

1. The group of girls I used to go be friends with in school brought a gift for the girl who started doing the sleep course after me with a "you did it" card. I guess this made me feel jealous that no one celebrated me this way when I certified.

2. My MIL has been pulling back for a while now. Not just from me but from us all. She seems depressed and often declines visits/invites despite our efforts. And now it seems like they try and organise their rare catch ups for the times I'll be at work. While it can be very nice to have that space and in the past I craved less contact with them - it also annoys me that for so long I tried to have a solid relationship with my MIL because it was something important for Kori. But since we've had children, I have never mattered and it's always been about the kids. (I hope that doesn't sound brattish...?)

3. I recently celebrated my best friend's baby shower. And it was absolutely lovely and I don't want to discount that what so ever, I am ten thousand percent happy for her. But it did highlight for me the lack of women and support I have in my life.

For the most part - I feel like a bad bitch who can celebrate herself. I'm not friends with the girls from school anymore because they were toxic as fuck, I don't actually need a relationship with my MIL because my own mother is enough despite it being important for Kori and I've been a mother for almost 9 years without a village or tribe of women so it's not a necessity.

I have basically 1 friend and that's @the-quiet-priestess and our friendship is the best.... the most low-maintenance friendship ever which I love and appreciate so much.

But I just guess I'm missing something... I saw something on instagram the other day that said... "I just want a Mum friend who is my age, has kids the same age as mine, shares my parenting style, accepts my quirks, and can bounce between deep conversations and celebrity gossip with equal passion. Oh and lives next door. Is that too much to ask?"

And I just feel like that valided all my feels.

Ps. I thought this may have been due to "working from home" but I've still been working 10 hours at Coles a week and connect with more people then I probably did hairdressing so it's not that lol 😂  although my work bestie hasn't been at work for over a month and we always have the best conversations about the most interesting topics...

I have been doing lots of inner child work so I feel like that's bringing up some past shit which probably puts me in this headspace.

[tandherthree]

[tandherthree]

I have tried a million times to post photos of my tattoos and it won't load photos for me. So here is just the caption I'd written for it hahah

"Just for me.

On my biggest insecurity (my arms) as a reminder that I was born to take up space... I don't need to be thin. I don't need to be small.

Each tattoo represents the 5 people in my life who have helped me transform into the woman I am today.

Plus two small stars for the pregnancy loss and chemical pregnancy.

(After LOVING them on the day, I've spent the past two days feeling weird about the kids tattoos. I don't hate them. Individually I absolutely LOVE them. I did anticipate that they would be smaller but they feel so bold and so big which I think is why I'm struggling. I know that they will settle as they heal and I'll get used to them. I also think its because she didn't get time to do the 6th one, it looks a little incomplete. So maybe that will help once that's done too). The tattoo was cheaper then I'd expected and I still have money left on my voucher which is really good so I'll be able to get it completed soon."

[tandherthree]

I'm getting like 6 tattoos on my arm next week.

My arms are my biggest insecurity, so I've just decided to cover 1 of them in tattoos...

Now that we've finished our children and as a 30th present, I'm finally getting the tattoo I said I'd always get for my kids. I never knew where I wanted to get it but there is no other places on my body that I would like tattoos besides my arm. So I'm getting the kids tattoos and then I'm also getting a few smaller ones...

But I'm also a little nervous about that...

[tandherthree]

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[tandherthree]

It has been a long time between updates, But I’m feeling chatty/ranty/venty. I don’t know what this will turn into yet. 

I’ve been meaning to jump on and give an update, but I just never do... But I’m trying to wind down after a night shift at Coles. I’m still mostly enjoying Coles... I have been doing a lot of closing shifts which aren’t my favorite but I’m covering for someone else who is unwell and on leave. I much prefer when she is the supervisor and I just work alongside her. Actually, that’s my favorite kind of shift. I’ve actually grown to be close with this particular girl. We talk a lot and it’s nice to have another friend.. (I don't have many lol)

My little biz is up and running. I can’t remember if I have updated since I launched but all that was exciting. And things will be slow but I’m still proud of everything I am doing. I’ve had about 6 clients in 8 weeks since launching which has exceeded my goals of 1 client per month until I really got things up and running. But the only thing is, they were all around the same time. So I had no clients for a few weeks in the beginning and I’ve had none for the past week as I’ve signed everyone off. So this is how it will be for a while I am guessing. I’ll have influxes and then radio silence at times. Absolutely adoring it though and getting so much good feedback. I have goals to branch out but just waiting for the right time. I’m so excited to see where I can take this. 

I’ve done a few mini workshops since and also reading some super interesting books about coaching, motherhood and childhood development etc. 

I had @k-and-a-make-a-baby baby shower a few weeks ago and it was the best day. I’m so bloody excited to watch her transition into motherhood. I was actually so emotional, I got tearing SO many times... She has beautiful people surrounding her and an amazing support system. It was just so nice to see everyone celebrating her and her beautiful little bump. I can’t wait to meet your baby girl. 

The kids have settled back into school and its nice having just Harlow and I back home again. We had teacher interviews last week and both teachers had nothing but amazing things to say about both kids which is such a nice feeling. Neither of them had a negative thing to say - They both enjoy learning and are polite respectful kids. Which is the best thing to hear as a parent. At home, can be another story though. They are so chaotic at times. We started off the year with a rewards system. They get a lunch order every 5 days that they get a tick. To earn a tick, they have to do their morning list (get dressed, brush teeth, make bed, pack bag) and behavior has to be pretty good. If they get a cross, they are banned from technology for a week. And every 7 ticks in a row, I’ll give them a $1 for an ice-cream at the canteen. They’ve also been doing some chores for pocket money which is nice for me to help out with small tasks around the house. Gosh, it’s hard as a parent. On one hand I hate rewards as it can feel like bribing, and I often can’t be bothered with chores, but I feel like it also teaches good habits with working and money etc. 

Harlow is such a soft soul. Her personality is so different to the other two - they were pretty wild toddlers. Harlow is very timid. She’s such a soft soul. She does warm to people and I don’t have any concerns, I just think it stands out so much more to me because the other two were so opposite. 

I’ve been feeling in a little bit of a funk. I think just as life slows down - kids back at school and the Christmas rush over - Just feeling a little lonely... I don’t really know if it makes sense but I’m just craving connection or deep and meaningful with a friend.. weird feeling.. 

I’ve also started walking again because I needed to start doing something and with things quieting down, I wanted to make time. I’ve been putting Harlow in the carrier and walking the base of the hill I used to do during Covid (not hiking up the hill but some inclines). It’s so hard but I love it. I think I just need a good view to make walking appealing for me. It’s also a really nice time to connect with Harlow, she hugs me so tight.. I’m just waiting for when she decides she wants to walk too and it will take 5 hours to get it done, lol. 

For my 30th birthday, K got me a $1500 voucher for tattoo’s which is coming up in a few weeks. I’m so excited. 

Anyway, that's all I can think of at the moment.

[remanence-of-love]

[tandherthree]

In the early hours of this morning, I had a nightmare. Honestly, I can’t ever remember having such a vivid nightmare in the whole entire life. I automatically started having a panic attack even though I knew full well that it was just a dream and NOT reality. The thing is, I’m absolutely fucked today - My brain cannot think straight. And I keep bursting into tears because every time I think of my dream - it's like I can literally feel the pain I was going through IN MY DREAM. I feel batshit crazy - And Kori is a little concerned that I’m still so distraught about it. I don’t know, is this normal? Like I know it’s 100% okay and it was just a dream but it still feels like my heart is breaking? weird. 

I also realize I didn’t explain my dream - But we lived in a house that had a pool which was connected to the river or something. (If you know me in real life... I’m terrified of water/drowning - myself & children and refuse to take my eyes off them for a second) In the dream. It was Australia day, and we were drinking by the pool etc. When we woke up the next morning, we remembered we hadn’t put Harlow to bed that night. I was going through my camera roll and trying to pinpoint the time we lost her. There were photos and videos of her playing in water and shrubs near the river just before videos of Kori and I standing together - not paying attention to the children. We’d searched the whole house and the pool area (which was shrubby and bushy) and I ended up diving in the pool and scouting the bottom searching for any clues. We were pretty certain she had drowned at this point and were waiting for people to come help search for her, and it was more a case of figuring out if she was still in the yard or had gone into the connecting river. When I came up out the water - I happened to see her face pressed up against a rock in the shrubs and when I went over to her, she wasn’t alive... but then just as I gasped (in real life) she came alive in my dream.... And then I woke up and had a real-life panic attack. 

sorry but wtf.