The Tales of Tape

All’s well on the Hermitage

[tapestales]

“I don’t really want to mount a camel spider”

[tapestales]

Random man on sidewalk: “Good morning”

Me: “Did I just get spoken to?”

[tapestales]

“The ace priorities: I dont care whos getting laid how as long as they’re all consenualy enjoying it. And also what kind of car is that?”

[going2hell4everythingbutbeingbi]

things to say after fucking up egregiously

pack it up boys we've made a social blunder

let's run that again

one more time normal style

I'm going to become a statistic

further proof god is out to get me

it's because I tore my acl senior year

I couldn't do it for religious reasons

my ex took my talent in the divorce

good thing nobody saw that (said directly to someone who definitely saw it)

[tapestales]

“At this point touching grass is not enough, I need to mow a lawn with my teeth.”

[tapestales]

“Unfortunately it’s just powdered sugar, not cocaine”

[tapestales]

“I’ve got a case of the man cold. It’s mostly just complaining”

[tapestales]

“I’m gonna frog blink at you until you stop that”

[tapestales]

“I’m about as subtle as a Sherman tank”

[tapestales]

“Why is there a leg in the living room?”

[tapestales]

“I’m adding pepper seeds to the kitchen glitter list”

[tapestales]

“So I’m gonna need an axe. Well that was easy.”

[tapestales]

“I have enough buckets in my life”

[tapestales]

“That squirrel has very ‘get off my lawn’ energy”

[tapestales]

Pack and plays: the socially acceptable dog crate for children

[tapestales]

“It’s a bit of measuring and a lot of eyeballing. I just happen to have really accurate eyeballs.”

[tapestales]

“Its just like a salad. But cooked.”