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Dana. 21. Pag-ibig at pamilya at pelikula ang bumubuhay sa kanya. Nais magsilbi sa bayan. Masaya kapag umuulan, kapag bumabyahe 'pag gabi, kapag may musika, kapag may bagong libro. Namamangha sa bilis ng takbo ng panahon.

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sa gitna ng digmaan

nakikita mo rin ba ang mga bituin sa langit? nakakainom ka rin ba ng malinis na tubig? nakakahimbing ka rin ba sa malambot na kama?

paano nila nasisikmurang ipagkait ang mga ito sa’yo? paano sila nakakaramdam ng tagumpay sa pagsisimula ng giyera? paano nila nagagawang pumatay at maramdamang sila ay buhay? 

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warzone

are you seeing the same starlit sky? are you drinking the same fresh water? are you sleeping on the same soft mattress?

how can they take those simple joys away from you? how can they wage a war and feel like they’re winning? how can they kill lives and feel like they’re living?

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people are dying

how can we go on with our usual lives? it all seems so pointless

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crisis

the pandemic isn’t over for the philippines and it’s hard to find jobs. i’m mulling over resigning from my full time job. they want me to go to another department just because they don’t want my “potential” to go to waste. seems like they have to fire some people because of financial problems. 

i really don’t have a problem with resigning. i’m ok with cutting some ties and i’m not even considering him for this decision i’m gonna make. what i’m worrying about is my next career step. the pandemic is making it worse. film or media work is out of the picture because they really don’t have work at the moment. and i also don’t want to leave the province.

i don’t know what to do anymore haha

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i found some written pieces of mine back in high school

here’s an excerpt from one:

“In life, we see how unfairness slowly kills us, how corruption steals the joy out our lives. We see our fellowmen suffer, and how they wish death would come for they think it is better than their life here on earth.“

i’m glad to learn new things about writing, i’m glad i was taught to improve. i just wish i was the same carefree writer i was when i was young. 

now, when i write, i can’t help but think how bad of a writer i am. haha

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Curtis Edmonds, Rain on Your Wedding Day

Submitted by Curtis Edmonds.

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how are we gonna get through this?

quarantine’s been over a month and the government’s efforts (or the lack thereof) ain’t helping. they lifted the quarantine in some areas and people start to go out even though it’s still very dangerous. 

this isn’t just an issue of discipline. what happened to the emergency powers, mr. president? what happened during the whole lockdown? where did you use the money? 

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pondering part 2

“What’s a meaningful activity you’re currently involved in? Why is that role important to you?“

Right now, I’ve been watching films and I use it to learn because film is one of the many things I’m interested in. I also started an edible garden with my dad. Just a few hanging pots with pechay, onion, and eggplant. Since I also want to be a farmer, I should start somewhere right?

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pondering part 1

“Try to remember the last time you though to yourself, ‘This is the best day of my life,‘ or ‘I’m so thankful to be living in this moment.’“

I just went outside the house and stayed for a while because of the cool breeze and the clear night sky. I think I enjoyed that because it has been really hot for the past couple of weeks. I stood there and let myself get lost in that moment. 

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pandemic and quarterlife crisis

i’ve always thought that i’d be doing something good as a job. i thought i’d be a journalist or a teacher, spreading truth and awareness about social issues. 

but here i am, stuck as a marketing officer in the corporate world. i am truly a corporate slave. is it about the money? i’d think it’s more appropriate to say it’s all about CONVENIENCE.

i don’t earn much but it’s pretty ok for a provincial rate. i have to commute for more than an hour but it’s ok because i get to live with my family. i’ve been in this job for more than two years and of course, from time to time, i ask myself if it’s even worth it to stay here.

the company’s system isn’t even good. sure, i get essential benefits but a lot of the people outside admin are not compensated well. walking around and seeing them work so hard makes me feel so powerless.

i feel powerless in general. i wish i could give jobs to people, i wish i could help them get out of poverty, i wish i could end all this. it’s a high and mighty dream i know. and in reality i alone cannot solve this. 

i just wish i was doing something more productive and helpful to the society. 

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sleepless

i flicked the switch once more. from white light to warm light.

this has become my daily routine. past 10 o’clock i’ll be watching a movie or a korean drama. i have the fan and aquarium pump as background noise. 

although i wish for this pandemic to end soon, i’m liking this set-up. movies are therapeutic. a lot of times i just stare into space after i watch a good movie or i chat my best friends to let my emotions out. 

why haven’t i seen this film before?

two weeks ago, i made a quarantine list of some classics and critically-acclaimed movies. i hope to watch them all before the new normal starts. this might seem like a relaxed way to spend quarantine but i’m actually doing this to learn about film. i feel like i’m studying again. am i being productive now? ha ha

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online cinema

More than a month of community quarantine. Namimiss ko na manood ng sine. Namimiss ko na yung may inaabangang stress reliever pagkatapos ng trabaho.

Yung pupunta ako sa mall, bibili ng tiket, pipili ng magandang pwesto. 

Para akong may sariling mundo. Wala akong inaalala. Nandoon lang ako sa mundo ng pinapanood ko tapos ako lang. Walang pretension. Nag-eenjoy lang.

This lockdown my friends and I found a way to watch Youtube videos together. It’s like a virtual cinema where you can also choose your seats. We enjoyed the experience so much we did it for the second time. Pero this time, Netflix party muna. 

Tapos medyo napag-usapan yung pag-aaya sa mga ispeyshal someone. 

Tapos napaisip ako, “Oo nga ‘no.” Bakit kaya di ko naisip ‘yon e lagi ko rin naman siyang naiisip? I’m not gonna lie to myself. Haha.

Probably nirereject ng utak ko lahat ng attempts to reconnect kaya di ko maisip. Kasi, my shitty feelings aside, I genuinely enjoy any film moment with that person. Parehas kasi kami mahilig sa pelikula. 

Kaya ayon, ako na mismo yata naglalagay ng malisya kahit deep inside, wala naman talagang ganun. Pinapangunahan ko na siguro kung ano iisipin niya. Or baka takot lang ako mareject. Ewan.

Sayang. Dami ko pa naman gustong ikwento sa kanya sa mga napapanood ko. 

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Joyce Carol Oates,  We Were the Mulvaneys

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Weathering With You

Nagtanungan tayo ng paborito nating eksena sa pelikula. Pareho tayo ng sagot.

Yung sa bandang ending na lumilipad yung dalawang characters sa mga ulap. 

Sabi ko sa’yo, “Pero ‘di ba nakakapagod ‘yon? Umuulan lagi. Hassle kaya.” Tsaka ang selfish diba. Tapos ang sabi mo, “Maganda nga e. For once, hindi inisip ng mga bida ang mundo. Sila lang muna. Sarili lang nila.”

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We’re on lockdown at the moment. It’s been a month.  My 2012 Tumblr self couldn’t even imagine this from happening. 

It’s fun to read very old posts of me and my friends. It’s like I traveled through time and met the skinny college freshman Dana. It’s amusing--and sometimes scary--to think that I’ve changed a lot. 

The 2012 Dana was naive and also idealistic, I guess. She wrote furiously and didn’t care if it was bad but she was shy and easily intimidated by her batchmates in their speech classes. She wore slippers and PE shirts to class. When she went back to Laguna after her first Christmas break as a college student, she got anxiety attacks and tried to sleep it off. 

Now, I’m... I try to write every now and then but I lost my passion for it. I’ve become more fascinated with the visuals, thus my interest in film and photography. Now I enjoy speaking in front of people and I even do hosting for company parties. I’ve learned to at least put lipstick on so I don’t look too pale. I’m more fearless, I think. 

A looooooot has happened. I’m so afraid of how time flies. Can I be 23 forever?

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2020 feels like 2012

Buhay pa pala ‘to. It’s been years.