Kopfsalat

[taptep]

Joy

I acknowledge that I am doing my best. Yesterday I allowed myself to rest and do what I needed to fill my cup. I didn't cook, I barely cleaned, I listened to my favorite podcasts while I walked the dog, and in the afternoon when the WiFi died, I just lay in bed and closed my eyes. In the evening, I bought food for the kids because I was just too tired to cook. I didn't push myself like I often do, because I am done with that. The unforgiving environment of the corporate world - that needs to stop on the weekend. On weekends, I am only compliant to my higher self.

Just recently, a friend of mine told me she lost her job, and I was really shocked. As far as I knew, her job was stable. Oh yeah, I forgot, nothing in this world is stable. Which begs the question - should we be checking in with out purpose? I can hear you saying: "Purpose my butt, I got bills to pay!" I know, I know. Me too. Still I think it's worth looking into.

Eckhart Tolle says: "We are here to become conscious." Yeah well, consciousness bull-dozed my door down. I had gone into work and decided to have an early lunch so that I would be ahead of the crowd, and therefore have plenty of food choices. And though the canteen was practically empty, a colleague shared the table with me. So we struck up a conversation that was not o ly interesting, but also so much fun. We were jumping to many different topics, which eventually led me to something I really loved. So here I am having a verbal diarrhea moment, and as I come up for air, he said: " I have only been sitting here a couple of minutes, and I've already learned so much from you. You should do this." I do not believe in coincidence. I deeply believe there was a message there for me worth going after. Would I love getting up every morning to do that kind of job? I believe I would enjoy it. But of course, I am not just going to drop everything and switch to it. But it led me go back and really reflect at the many things I am good at. The many things I love doing but spend way too little time doing. I shoved it aside because of all the obligations. Postponed it because of all the other priorities, until they slowly disappeared, and life consisted of running from one errand to the next. I know now, that I need to turn it the other way around. This is what I need to make more space for, just like when we make time to brush teeth. After all, joy - big or small, is what makes life worthwhile.

[taptep]

Gratitude

I feel gratitude in my heart for the clarity. I feel less anger, less anxiety, less worry and more expectation of positive experiences. There is a sense of peace that dominates, and most of all, the sadness that used to hover over me is not there anymore. I noticed that just when this sense of peace is there, other challenges come in. Like what Eckhart Tolle says, life will always challenge you. But when I remember my old self, I remember how I was always annoyed, angry, worried, anticipating hardship and trouble. And that is always what I got. Unbeknownst to me, I was laying out the carpet for that and that was always what came in. Thank goodness I know better now. When challenges come, I assure myself that I have everything I need. I have gone through so much worse, during which I had a far worse attitude. Now I have the sense of security that things are always ok and that the universe always provides. I am safe. All is well in my world.

Lately I am able to cope with keeping the house a bit clean. I have been sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor on a daily basis. This may be a normal thing for other people, but for me, this is a feat! Working full-time and taking care of a household with three kids is not easy, but I have also learned to be more forgiving of myself, and when I don't accomplish all of that, I remind myself that I am doing my best, and that even though I could still squeeze in some cleaning, I should also give my body the rest that it needs. I used to just keep going because the kitchen "had to be clean". The dishes "had to be washed". But all my kids remember is how I did it with much annoyance and asking: why can't they just do this automatically like I did when I was a kid? Last night, I was talking to a friend and my son came up to me and said that Lucas was doing the dishes, and he had taken Peanut out for a walk. So it seems when I have less pressure on what needs to be done, things do get done on their own. I let go, and all the wonderful things start coming in. I look forward to many more wonderful things coming my way. Saying thank you for that in advance already!

[taptep]

All in a Day's Work

Came home tonight, left all the cleaning work to the kids, and went straight to the shower. I refuse to check if the kitchen needs cleaning or if all tasks have been done. I was in the office the whole day, and now it's time to rest. It doesn't matter that not everything is spic and span. I don't have to keep going to the point of exhaustion, after which I am grumpy. It's enough. The cleaning will wait, there is no deadline. We are not trying to impress anyone or win a competition. Seize the moment and continue reading that book or doing something enjoyable. Not all spare time has to be spent on obligations. I already like the new me!

[taptep]

Finding Irene

52 years. That's how long it has taken me to get to this moment, where I realized how badly I need to rescue Irene. Something has been unraveling over the years, and I am convinced that this is where it was leading me to. I went from being this constantly angry or sad person, to one who started meditating and slowly learning to shut out the noise to find the answers. The more I started to look at what my participation has been in my often self-made problems, the more the answers have been slowly coming to me.

I have been dating this wonderful man for the past 2 years. I don't see him often due to his busy schedule, but when I do, I am at my absolute happiest. When I come back to my messy house, it never matters how high the mountain of dishes is in the sink, or that the kids' shoes are strewn all over the place, I am just plain and simple happy and grateful that I have him. My batteries are re-charged, and I am ready to get back into the grind. Lately, I am noticing the one-sidedness of things. Probably due to the fact, that I had been having a bad week. I have been having difficulty concentrating at work, and my productivity has been low. Just like anybody else who is feeling down, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, from someone who cares about you is badly needed. You know how they say, when you need love, you need to give it away so that it comes back to you. So I gave some love away by touching base and sending a message out: "How are you babe? Everything ok?" His reply: "Yup, team building season is here. April and May are going to be busy. Thank you for checking on me." Now, in all the times I have asked his question, never did he ask me: "And how are you?" Somehow, this just getting to me, so I asked him: "Do I sound like I am always happy?" His reply: "Well, I make you happy, so I would assume yes." End of story. Now, if someone asked me if they always "sound" happy, that would be reason for me to jump on that bandwagon and follow up with: "Is something wrong?" But all I hear is the sound of crickets. This has forced me to really take a long hard look at how my recent relationships (if not all of them), have been. And the common denominator in all of them, was the emotional unavailability of each man.

So the question I now ask is: when did I learn, that it is ok for me to be short-changed? When was it ok to skip over my needs so that I would fit into their world, and they would be comfortable? When I look back, I remember the exhilaration that a new relationship would always offer, and because of this, I would ignore anything that would chip away at the excitement. But when we don't deal with issues that are present, they eventually deal with us. And here I am again in this mess. But the difference this time, is that I see it with more clarity. I want to have alignment on the outside and on the inside. People at work look at me and think that I am good at the things I am doing, that I am a great communicator and more often than not, they want me to lead things. The reality, though, is that things look good on the outside, but I am a total mess on the inside. And this is exactly what I want to change. I want alignment. The image that people see of me "altogether", when in actual fact, I can't even get my ducks in one row, is changing. I hold myself accountable for the work I do on myself. I will no longer be swept away in the excitement and exhilaration of a new relationship. Instead, I will slow down, check in with myself and ask: does this align with my values? How does this make me feel? Am I short-changing myself? Is this sustainable for me? Is this in alignment with self-love? What is essential for this moment?

So, it's going to be quite the journey. I end this entry today with one of my favorite quotes from Marianne Wiliamson. Years ago, I copied this on a piece of paper and stuck it to my bathroom mirror, to inspire me because I was really going through one of the toughest journeys in my life. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

[taptep]

The Accident That Wasn't

I imagine a panel of judges sitting in the heavens watching people navigate their lives, trying to decide what each person needs in order to develop. I think mine was under scrutiny. My profile must've been stamped "critical".

Judge 1: We need to change some things here. She's edging towards burnout.

Judge 2: Yup! It seems she used to be exercising a lot. She walked a lot of places, she did yoga, Muay Thai, cross fit, swimming. None of that is being done currently.

Judge 3: Her temper is short nowadays. Especially with the kids. We need to change the pace and bring in balance again. Sometimes she skips meditation too. She did manage to go out for some fun twice in a week. That's rare.

Judge 1: Ok, so here's the deal: we need to get her exercising again. Let's do it slowly. Let's give her some car problems, so she will need to leave her car at the shop. It's high time those kids started commuting, or she can just make her driving a full time job and sign up for Grab! But the exercise needs to be a bit more...

Judge 2: We need to offer her something she will have great difficulty saying "no" to.

Judge 3: Let's give her a puppy. The car shop she goes to, has one. The only one left of the three. Once she gets it, we'll need to take the car away for a bit longer.

Judge 1: Right. Then there's the matter with the older boy, who needs proper therapy. We need her to see, that he needs a different kind of therapy and that it needs to be done as soon as possible. To get there, he needs to press on her stress button and say one wrong thing that will set her off. It'll hurt, but it will get her thinking. He needs exercise too, so the whole package for him to get better.

And so it happened. One moment of inattentiveness led to the car accident. It has been over a month and the car hasn't been repaired yet. I have been walking more, I have finally had my washing machine picked up for repairing. It has been so physically taxing, but I guess it's better for my back instead of sitting long hours without breaks.

It has led to me talking to my counselor and telling her that I am no longer willing to do overtime. I will work my 8 hours, and I do not want to work on the weekends. Work-life balance means 8 hours of work, 8 hours of free time, 8 hours of sleep. This is how it should be but it doesn't really happen. So these are the little steps.

I am grateful, that I see the connection. But I do miss my car sooo much.

[thoughtkick]

“Time always exposes what you mean to someone.”

— Unknown

[taptep]

"I don't believe in magic." The young boy said. The old man smiled. "You will, when you see her." ~ Atticus

[taptep]

Beach

As I sat on the beach, enjoying the waves lapping at my legs, I scooped up handfuls of sand, and watched them flow out with the next wave and spill between my fingers. I was reminded that in life, we think we have a hold of things, but in reality we don't. We would like so much to "have and to hold", but in reality, nothing is ever really ours to keep.

[taptep]

Hiatus

The month-long break from work is almost over. I sure could use more time off. It feels so good to not be in the rat race. So this is how it feels when you don't need to chase money and just have time on your hands.

[taptep]

There is word traffic in my head. And it won't let me sleep. No, I am not troubled. Quite the opposite. I am happy with the realizations of the past six months. God knows I needed them. I get it now. I get how nobody else is responsible for my feelings except me. I remember how happy I was, yet despite that, I kept making space for these things that I considered bothersome. Until all those mental notes became several pages long of potential nightmares. And the good that I used to notice, became like words we would scribble in the sand on the beach, washed away with the next wave. I didn't notice that I let a monster in. I fed it, and nurtured it, allowed it in my head, heck it even went to bed with me. Eventually though, I evicted that monster. And when he left (monsters are only he's, *wink), the sun came in. This, my friends, is what is causing the word traffic in my head: the difficulty of describing how I feel when I revisit the days that gave me joy. How foolish I now feel for making all those mental fear notes and provisions for self-preservation. I find myself making space for feelings that put a smile on my face. They deserve to be in my head, in my house, in my heart and I'll gladly take them to bed with me too. And because it's so late, I think a tuna sandwich is in order.

[taptep]

Mama

Even as an adult with children of my own, there would be days when I would remeber how I lay in the spare bed in my parents' room whenever I was sick. The lights would be very dim and I could hear my mom puttering about and humming. Mom always smelled so good. To this day, I can remember her scent. Every now and then, she would check on me, and touch me with her warm hand. If I was very warm, she would say: " My poor baby." And every now and then, I find comfort in that memory, when I would wish I was a child again.

[taptep]

Gehen mit dem Augenblick

Wenn wir die Mühen der vergangenen Woche hinter uns gelassen haben, ziehen wir uns gern an einen stillen Ort zurück um woanders hinzugehen. 

Hin in unsere stille Mitte. Manchmal holen uns dort unsere inneren Bilder, und der Alltag noch ein.

Wie finden wir dennoch zu unserer Mitte? Wir gehen in unserer Mitte von Augenblick zu Augenblick.

Wir gehen Schritt für Schritt den Weg, auf dem wir uns im Augenblick befinden.

Nur dieser Weg führt nach Innen.

Wo immer wir uns im Augenblick befinden, wir sind auf dem für uns im Augenblick gemessen, Platz.

Wir stimmen uns unsere Situation zu

Wie sie im Augenblick ist

Wir stimmen dem Menschen zu mit denen wir in Beziehung sind.

So wie sie sind

Wir stimmen uns selbst zu

Wie wir sind. Genau so.

Weil ich mir und anderen, und meine Situation zustimme, wie sie sind, lasse ich dem Augenblick von meinen Wünschen an sie ab.

Auch von meiner Sorge.

Auch von meinem Bedauern.

So komme ich innerlich zur Ruhe

In dieser Ruhe verweile ich eine Zeit, bis mich von innen eine Bewegung erfasst, die mich zu meiner Mitte zieht.

Ihr überlasse ich mich, so wie sie ist.

Nicht mehr, nicht weniger

Nur so weit, als sie mich führt.

Dieser Hinweise von mir nehmen sie vielleicht eine Zeitlang an die Hand.

Doch lösen sie sich von innen, und folgen Ihren eigenen Weg wohin es sie führt.

Nur dieser Weg führt uns zu eigenen Mitte.

Nur er führt uns zu Liebe

Die wir geben und nehmen, können und dürfen

Wenn wir von unserer Sammlung zurückkommen, sollen wir dann etwas tun?

In unsere Sammlung wir uns manchmal eine Einsicht geschenkt.

Auf einmal wissen wir uns in unserer Leben der nächst fällige Schritt sein wird.

Sollen wir dann sofort handeln?

Manchmal ja

Oft aber, wenn wir noch in der Sammlung bleiben, warten wir noch eine Weile.

Auch hier bleiben wir im Augenblick

Wir lassen uns führen von Augenblick zu Augenblick

In der Zustimmung zu uns, zu anderen, zu unserer Situation, wie sie ist.

Auf diese Weise, gehen wir in der gleichen Sammlung mit nach innen, auch nach außen.

Wie?

Gelassen

Getrost

Von unserer Mitte her geführt.

Was erleben wir dann manchmal?

Etwas dort draußen ändert sich wie von selbst.

Wie aus sich, ohne das wir handeln

Wenn wir dennoch handeln müssen, hat er eine andere Kraft, weil wir eine andere Liebe haben.

Wenn wir uns auf dieser Sammlung einlassen, was feiern wir dann?

~ Bert Hellinger

[taptep]

The space between pillows occupied by a cat.

[taptep]

Farther Than The Last Time

There were many times in my life when I thought I truly understood the lessons that were placed on my path, only to realize, I still had miles to go. The books I read, the many wise quotes that rang a bell, that made me think I finally got it, but then again I didn’t. This year on my birthday, I felt that I might’ve taken another step in the direction of “getting it”. Maybe I just got tired of the heartache and the sadness that constantly accompanied me. Maybe I got tired of the tears. Maybe it was all of it and more. Each time, it was yet again, another chance to practice humility. With each experience that came my way, I had to learn to silence the ego and to remain calm. I grew up with parents whose egos couldn’t fit through any door frame. I am not blaming them for my difficulty.  But I understand now, that that was their way, and it doesn’t have to be mine. It was their truth. Mine is different. It will never be comfortable walking in shoes that aren’t your size, so I had to change.

Recently, I got a taste of yet another bout of ego. I started seeing someone who made me feel what it was like, for someone to actually give a damn about me. When we were together, he took care of my needs, paid attention to my thoughts, dived into my brain, poked into painful areas of my heart and wanted to know what kept me up at night. It had been years, oh I’d say, maybe seven, since anyone had taken that much interest and touched me both physically and emotionally. To be able to give someone affection filled my heart with such indescribable warmth. He brought me happiness I had not felt in so long. How could I be blamed for wishing that something as wonderful as this would stay? But just like everything else in life that changes, this too changed. One confrontation made a mark in his head and since then,  I was no longer allowed to touch him or shower him with affection. Though the friendship remained, communication became sparse and things became slightly colder. He wanted to drive a point home, and I blamed myself. For taking things too seriously, for not listening to what he said, for being confrontational. Good job. I officially had two choices: either accept it the way it was, or walk away. There was no gray area. 

He has opened my eyes and made me realize, that being in the moment is the best choice I could ever make for myself. We don’t own each other, nor do we owe each other anything. I do however, owe myself peace of mind. I used to worry about losing him. Now I know, I can either appreciate what I have when I have it, or let him go. I understand now, that I don’t need him to validate me, or accept me or tell me that I am strong and worthwhile, because I can do that for myself and therefore I have no expectations. I am thankful that he has given me this gift. And that is how I know, in terms of my emotional growth, that I am farther than the last time.

[taptep]

The Good Happenings Jar

Somewhere inside is the beginning of a journey that has re-opened my heart and made me understand how precious and beautiful the present moment is and that it is all I I really have.

[taptep]

Cat Gifts

It was one last piece of turd

And I know it sounds absurd

It got left behind after the cleaning

All this time I thought I was just dreaming

That strong smell of poop

That made the hair in my nostrils droop

I desperately needed to find it

A peaceful night of sleep depended on it

It was there on the lowest shelf

Covered by a box

I could finally disinfect the area to the max

The gifts that cats sometimes leave behind

I honestly wish for a different kind

[taptep]

Alone Time

No can debate

That alone time is great

I can be a lazy brat

And you can't beat that

I can lie in bed all day

Let time pass away

I don't have to cook

I can bury my nose in a book

Or watch a movie

That I find super groovy

I can get in the car

And drive super far

Go to the beach

Ain't life a peach