he couldn't fall in love with a sad girl

i write about death and love that never happened.

[tarblackksoull]

For all time.

I was in love with you for ages and ages and ages. As tides turned and wars lost. I was so deep no pain could pull me up from the abyssal zone i was stuck in. For ages of agony until you pushed me just a little too far.

I wanted to hold the grudge forever, but I wrote you excuses in love poems blaming your mature immaturity. Blaming the way I couldn't change the weather and the way you couldn't understand. A love that should've lasted forever was instead crumbled away in an earthquake.

And in centuries I feel the world where we walked will still hold the dust of our stories, the greatest love of all time, as our paths are paved over with new concrete. But deep down, our stories remain. All of the pain and happiness and blood and love and sadness and joy and pain and love and pain and love. Forevermore. pleasedontforget.

[tarblackksoull]

So you inch a little closer Say your boyfriend, he wouldn't mind You think that I'd be flattered It's pathetic 'cause you're right

In the p.m., all the pretty girls They have a couple drinks, all the pretty girls So now they wanna kiss all the pretty girls

[tarblackksoull]

Now I am stuck between my anger and the blame that I can't face And memories are somethin' even smoking weed does not replace And I am terrified of weather 'cause I see you when it rains Doc told me to travel, but there's COVID on the planes

And I love Vermont, but it's the season of the sticks And I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas

[tarblackksoull]

I was standing in my kitchen, watching TV, humming along, and making tea. Any other day in the life of any other girl. And I looked down to see little lines, all illuminated by the morning sun. So many scars. Each white scratch, a representation of a day I didn't think I would survive. No one told me as a suicidal teen that those little signs would stick with me for my whole. fucking. life. Forest fires to charred stumps, yet the woods still show the remnants of their screams. And it hurts to see. How over 5 years of recovery will never heal my skin from the things high school did.

I live with this everyday, sometimes I forget how noticeable they are, and how desperately I wish they weren't.

[tarblackksoull]

life is going well. but my heart fucking hurts.

[tarblackksoull]

autumn.

Mother Earth snapped her fingers and suddenly fall was upon us. Trees losing leaves, and drooping from the weight of the rain. Crunchy brown under leather boots. Reminders of how many times the brilliance of summer can fade into thunderstorms and heartbreak.

I walk through my childhood neighborhood, where I waited for the bus, and where I had my first kiss. Memories from the place I grew up. Walking into the forest behind my house, running away and listening to Taylor Swift. It fades away as autumn grows. It became too dark to go outside.

They have tables of boutonnieres and corsages at QFC. For homecoming dates that will turn into frozen heartbreak come winter, but fueled with enough buzz from a warmer September than usual. How can every adult in this town pretend they are happy for their kids when this sort of event only leads to heartbreak. Or maybe that was just me. 5 years later and I still feel the flowers on my wrist. Photos from that night fall on blind eyes, stories left to only deaf ears. This autumn may seem like an open possibility, but the trees know. They buckle down for a long hard winter, lack of love, support, admiration. Only preparing to survive. Just like me.

The air is crisp, yet not cold. Not the silence of winter yet. Girls getting off school run through the sidewalks, kicking that days’ fallen petals. No leaves for me. I am alone in a season of change.

[tarblackksoull]

Little secrets you don't know

I wake up at night crying from dreams where you leave me

And I hold myself back from calling you every second of every day.

I want you to be proud of me more than anything

And notice all the ways I have grown. To be better. It's all for you.

I dance in the living room dreaming of our wedding

And I picture your cousin as a bridesmaid.

When I get sad I picture our future house

And our future dog

And our future happiness. At peace. For the first time.

And all I want in life is to give that to you.

[tarblackksoull]

I breathe in the defeat of my 23rd friday night alone. Not that I truly would rather be out, given my tendency to anxiety in social situations and the bad interactions between my anti-depressants and alcohol. But it feels a little sad. Big empty house (parents out of town). Alone.

It doesn't feel good that for the 23rd week in a row, half a year, no one has graced me with their presence and i am yet again, torn between a shot of vodka, an edible, a big mug of tea, and my own self-doubt disguised as self-reflection.

23 days of questioning, knowing that every kid in this neighborhood is sneaking out to a party. I sneak out to get the mail because I forgot until this very moment. What has life become. Unemployed, uninspired, friendless, and emotionally emotionless.

One day maybe I will go out, but the 22nd week turned into the 23rd. Just as I am sure soon the 24th will roll around. Breathe in, breathe out. Friday night alone.

[tarblackksoull]

i made you see the poetry

I believe it is human nature to want to climb on roofs, Dance in rain All the other cliches. “It is cliche for a reason” Because my happiest moments are when I forgot what I looked like And jumped in the pool head first Forgetting to breathe And choking on my words left unsaid. Because my happiest moments are when We didn’t look down climbing out of the window And stared up at the stars where you told me “One day we will dance among them” And at the time I believed you.

I believe it is human nature to view the world as poetry Broken glass sparkles from the time I crashed my car And the crunch was a sound That will never leave my mind. Because the most chaos can be Reminisced through beautiful metaphors For every day objects. And losing my mind Simplified to a candle burning down And never lit again. Because you can be Distilled to your truest form, A smile and laugh That hid so much.

I believe it is human nature to long the pain you once had. To long the beauty in the cliches That can no longer be enjoyed And to look for beauty in words Too cruel to read.

[tarblackksoull]

i saw you got a new tattoo.

You have new tattoos. That arm used to be blank when i remember it. It just reminds me of all the lives we have lived since what seems like yesterday. Lovers to strangers doesn't feel like an accurate enough title. Instead it feels like lovers to having a hard time staying apart to having a hard time keeping it together to completely falling apart to never wanting to see you again to wishing for you around every corner to almost forgetting about you (almost) until i saw you in the most random spot and it all came flooding back to me. Somewhere in there, you filled your skin with new ink, and your heart with new love, and I am still here wishing to go back to the way it was. But just as the art will never fade from your skin, we can never return to the blank slate, before you hurt me, and i hurt you, and we stopped calling each other love.

[tarblackksoull]

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit Been saying "yes" instead of "no" I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though. ... In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

[tarblackksoull]

Contemplations and questions, filling my brain every night for the last month since I said good bye to you. Do you miss me too? And do you cross-examine every piece of our lives to see, was this the biggest mistake?

3 am and I can’t stop thinking, what if it were you? If one fight ended in peace instead of contempt, would we still be together? The whole time, just full of coercions convincing me to walk away.

3 pm and I think I see you through the window but I know I’m wrong. I wish I could be so certain of other choices, but your eyes pierce through my soul from where ever in the world you are.

Examinations and interrogations, I think through everything I almost said to you, everything I almost asked, everything I almost screamed at the top of my lungs, and instead walked away. A calm to avoid a storm. You never leave my mind, even in my own validity, even in my own confidence. How can I make the choice to leave and still regret it with every step I take away from your door?

3 months gone, I get used to the lack of you within my soul, and I still wonder: what if it were you? What if you were The One?

[tarblackksoull]

I fall in love with everyone

so how can I know they are truly the one?

(questions that keep me up at night)

[tarblackksoull]

you broke me at 14. I hope it was worth it.

[tarblackksoull]

i went to a bookstore....

words jump from shelves like the beating of your heart. nothing like the inspiration of others dreams spread on pages and smashed onto floor to ceiling shelves. it feels that i could open up a book and feel your soul slip from black and white text into puddles of happiness and heartbreak, pain and everything in between. i long to be heard the way authors are. i long to share my story through a memoir or a mystery. i long for you to walk into a little hole in the wall in a forgotten town and open up my soul. i long to write in a way that touches hearts and spreads beyond the scope of my own brain.  i can’t write the way they do. i can’t share the  way they do. i cant and i wont and no one reads or cares and ill never share and youll never crack the spine to my heart so here i am, screaming into the void, and wishing desperately for someone to pick up my journal and listen. 

[tarblackksoull]

I know that you're wrong for me Gonna wish we never met on the day I leave I brought you down to your knees 'Cause they say that misery loves company It's not your fault I ruin everything And it's not your fault I can't be what you need Baby, angels like you can't fly down hell with me I'm everything they said I would be.

[tarblackksoull]

"soul mates"

when i say we are soul mates i don’t mean we are meant to sit in some white picket house with kids who i look after and a job you hate

i don’t mean we are meant to drive through the suburbs laughing back at our college days and wishing to go back.

no. when i say we are soul mates i mean we are wildfires blowing through the forest our love, tsunamis through the coast.

i mean we are swept up everyday in love a tornado of us in the best way. a natural disaster, rather a force of nature.

when i say we are soul mates, i mean our souls mating in the universe creating chaos every second we are apart and snapping life into place like fixing a broken bone.

i mean our lives intertwined, branches in the forest roots deep and tangled eternity. youandme, as one word. nothing separate.

when i say we are soul mates i mean id sell my soul for you. i mean my soul is incomplete without you. i mean unified souls. i mean eternal. i mean destiny. i mean …. us.

[tarblackksoull]

nothing poetic about losing your mind at midnight, alone in your childhood bedroom, at a month short of 23. Expensive skincare and an oil diffuser can’t purify the dark in your heart as you revisit every mistake from the last 3 years. How can most of my twenties be characterized by a series of fucking up?  they say “that’s how life works”  they say “but you moved, you traveled, you fell in love!” And I did, but after 5 years of growth, I am just back to the same place I was. Suicidal teenager lives inside me still. She’s grown in size (I don’t have an eating disorder anymore) but she exists as a whithered bit of my creative soul that still left. 

nothing poetic about tapping into suicidal dreams from 17 to create art, alone in your childhood bedroom. Art no one will ever see, art you hope they dont. Art you maybe think they will ask about, but they never do. Expensive paintbrushes don’t make you a better artist, only a broke one. a broken one. The darkness of a decade of depression isn’t enough to fuel this binge. How can my life be characterized by a series of sad years, followed by sadder years?  they say “but you looked happy last time” they say “yes but I had it worse” And they did. I’m a spoiled brat who couldn’t comprehend hearing the word ‘no’ after being handed everything in gold. I chose to not eat when others around me starved. Self destructive teen to implosive adult. Existing as half myself, tapping into made up problems to excuse my own faults. 

nothing poetic in me. 

[tarblackksoull]

There is something poetic about feeling things in your childhood bedroom. About accepting that wow life happened here, and I have returned a better person. Battles broke bones but my soul remains intact. Mistakes are made to be grown from and every year is a new combination of developments for good and bad. How I have grown in 20 years and how I have blossomed. They say “did you get a haircut?” They ask “did something change?” And I respond “only everything in my whole world.” I can return to places where people hurt me, places where I laughed, cried, parts of my heart died. I am back in the same place I was and that is beautiful. I am proud of consuming the withered past of myself, enabling creativity from past pain without it handicapping me now. Suicidal memories to distant past.

There is something poetic in harnessing a past and releasing it from your soul through paintings no one will see. It wasn’t created for them—it was created for the universe to grow and shrink around your energetic releases. It was created to be ignored by everyone else except those who care to look beyond expensive techniques and careful paint. How my life has fueled a renaissance in my heart. they say “you acted selfish” and “you really hurt me” and to that I say, yes. I did. And that is something I shall carry with me forever, heavy in my heart, as a spoiled brat learning to be human. Just because I had everything, doesn’t mean I wasn’t completely and utterly hollow behind a gold plated mask. Self destructive nature filled with snow. My faults, just like anyone else, are made to be fixed. Kintsugi. Made up problems from real traumas. I no longer crave poeticism, I just need to be.