"the most popular girls in school" starters (season 2, part 1)
“You stay away from me and you stay away from the children!”
“Were you just yelling at your poop?”
“People have been leaving these all over the goddamn floor!”
“People are leaving iPod shuffles on the bathroom floor?”
“Why haven’t I heard about this?”
“It’s a positive pregnancy test.”
“Some girl is having a baby.”
“You are one of my very best friends. And I cannot stand by and watch you throw away your life like this!”
“You’re too young! You’re too beautiful!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the baby that’s growing inside your belly right now.”
“I’ve been taking muay thai classes.”
“I was never pregnant, [name]!”
“I’m sorry, but why the fuck is everybody yelling over here?”
“I found this positive pregnancy test and…”
“I know we’ve had our differences, but I cannot stand idly by and let you ruin our chances at nationals.”
“I have told you guys repeatedly that I am saving my vag-inity for someone special!”
“I’m halfway through Shark Week. …Yeah, I know what you call my period when I’m not around.”
“This is high school, not an episode of fucking Lizzie McGuire.”
“You want a fucking medal?”
“Didn’t we rip her arms off?”
“Oh, well, THAT sounds like a perfectly rational decision.”
“So, tell me, [name]… are you pregnant?”
“Fuck no, I’m not pregnant!”
“I haven’t had time for dating lately.”
“I don’t know if you noticed, but most guys don’t wanna fuck a girl with no arms. And the guys that do are VERY strange…”
“Oh, Jesus fucking yellow penguins, YES!”
“Oh, god dammit! For the last time! I… am not… PREGNANT.”
“I couldn’t think of a better person to get fat than you.”
“A good FUCK YOURSELF to you, [name]!”
“What the fuck are you bitches babbling about?”
“What are you saying, that I’m pregnant?”
“I wouldn’t say so much ‘pregnant’ as ‘carrying the demon spawn of Satan inside your stomach’…”
“Wait, [name], you’re pregnant?!”
“I am carrying [name]’s baby.”
“You’re fucking pregnant?! That’s hysterical!”
“You wear fucking footie pajamas you stupid idiot!”
“God? It’s me, [name]. I know I said I was an atheist… I was wrong. So wrong! But I am back!”
“I am all yours! Do with me what you want.”
“Thank you, [name]. Thank you so fucking much.”
“This is the best day of my life! I’m going shopping!”
“There is no greater honor than to carry the baby of the man you love.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
“It’s not worth it, [name]!”
“Your motorcycle’s parked behind my car. Can you move it?”
“We’re the popular girls now!”
“I certainly did not see that story ending up like that.”
“It’s times like these that I’m going to miss most of all.”
“Starting next week, I’m going to be somebody’s father!”
“Oh, [name], you beautiful idiot.”
“Realistically, we are all very much in fear for the safety of your unborn son and/or daughter.”
“You know, there’s a lot of responsibility if you’re going to be a father. I mean, if you’re gonna be a GOOD father.”
“Have you given any consideration to adoption?”
“[Name], serious talk right now. Having a child is a HUGE responsibility.”
“Above all, do not drop it. Ever.”
“We understand what you were trying to do, we just do not appreciate it.”
“[Name], is this your weird-ass way of asking me out?”
“Was that the goddamn baby?!”
“Can we lock this shit down for one minute?”
“Let’s not give it to him if he’s just gonna throw it again! We gotta figure that out first!”
“I don’t know if you’re aware, but some of the things you say often sound like homosexual acts.”
“Oh, blow me! Please! …Please?”
“Don’t you ruin that kid’s life, DON’T YOU RUIN IT!”
“I have sex with girl parts all the time!”
“I’ve had sex with like twelve or two women.”
“Please go do ANYTHING other than be here.”
“My ears will never be clean…”
“So, are we gonna do this?”
“You’re a cheerleader, right?”
“Every guy in school wants to have sex with me.”
“What makes you think I want to have sex with you?”
“You wanna see me put a condom on with my mouth?”
“I’m very attracted to mixed messages.”
“I’m not SAYING anything… I’m just saying.”
“Nobody tells me that they don’t want to fuck me without fucking me!”
“I suggest you sleep with one eye open.”
“What does Mommy say about making threats that we know we can’t keep?”
“When’s your little friend coming over?”
“My ex-boyfriend was all like ‘oh, I just got divorced!’ and ‘oh, why’d you give me herpes?’ but my new boyfriend’s like ‘fuck my ex-wife and I already got herpes, I don’t even care’!”
“Seriously, [name], just commit to the dick!”
“I invited [name] to dinner.”
“Are you talking to yourself, again?”
“Is it gonna be like this all night?”
“The last thing we need before a meal is my mother sobering up. Last time, she made us PRAY.”
“I guess the only part of your plan that didn’t work was the whole goddamn thing.”
“If there is one thing I’ve learned from college, it is how to get alcohol from boys.”
“You don’t remember me, do you, [name]?”
“We dated for two years. Then you dumped me for a twenty-nine year old after graduation.”
“What happened, [name]? The saggy sisters didn’t get us any booze?”
“Listen… I am buying this bottle of wine. You can sell it to me, or I can sell your organs on the black market!”
“I always use a condom. Well, unless I’m in a pool, ‘cause everybody knows you can’t get pregnant in water!”
“I’m seventeen and attractive. What the fuck do I have to be stressed about?”
“You’re going to have to keep your composure at all times.”
“Oh, trust me. Everybody has noticed.”
“You’d be surprised how much we have in common. We both hate the football team, and we love Ryan Gosling movies.”
“Suck my dick, you cunt.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave immediately.”
“Listen, the rules have changed.”
“‘Not the best idea’? It’s a fucking ridiculous piece of SHIT of an idea!”
“Whoa. She sounds like HBO.”
“How about I unlace my shoe, turn it sideways, and shove it up your uterus, you stupid cunt?”
“Tell these cunt-hungry demon whores to go fuck themselves on the pointy end of their grandfather’s cocks.”
“I’m gonna be opening a can of whoop-butt on y’all. And by butt, I mean ass. As in the ass I’ll be fucking you in, bitch.”
“Hey, [name], what the fuck was that shit back there?”
“I make it a rule not to sell anything I cannot spell.”
“I saved you a seat at the center lunch table.”
“Maybe we can make them to make out later.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
“Please stop talking to me and walk away.”
“You are the calm breeze in the fuckstorm of a life I’m living.”
“I’ve always had a special connection with [name].”
“I kind of thought I was your best friend.”
“On the count of three I want you all to kiss.”
“Is it just me, or is every single girl in this school just incredibly attractive?”
“Man, I’m just barfing all day today.”
“Oh, hey, babe, what are we doing? Banging our heads against the locker? I’m in!”
“I just had to spend the entire day acting like I care about the biggest dumbass in the world.”
“Wait, is this your way of breaking up with me? ‘Cause this is harsh.”
“After awhile it gets really easy to deny who you really are…”
“She’s slutty, she enjoys handjobs, and loves yelling at people.“
”[Name] is NOT my friend.“
”[Name] is a monster. If Satan himself crawled out of Hell, arrived on earth, and vowed to destroy all of humanity in a fiery apocalyptic plague, [name] would fuck him in the ass with his own pitchfork until he bled out and died. And if that doesn’t paint a clear enough picture, I once saw her watch an entire sneezing panda video without cracking a smile ONCE.“
“You know, at first, I wasn’t sure that [name] and I would end up becoming best friends.”
“You know, sometimes I feel like I’m taking care of her like I’m taking care of a pet. Like, a little dog. A little female dog. Which I guess technically would be a bitch. So in the context of this metaphor, [name] is a total bitch.”
“Besides, I always assumed you just poured your food directly into the toilet just to save yourself a step.”
“I didn’t realize this was gonna be an issue.”
“The day that happens is the day I stick my entire fist in my–”
“Why the fuck would you do that?”
“I’m pretty sure I’m about to wake up right now, because only in a fucking dream would you be [name]’s best friend.”
“Sorry, I was just trying to wake you up.”
“[Name] is a little… slow.”
“[Name], would you mind telling me what the fuck is going on?”
“I’ll explain later, but for now you’re just gonna have to trust me that everything is gonna be fine.”
“Apparently I lose a hair every time I curse. I’ve lost fifteen fucking hairs today–oh, god dammit–shit!–fucking hell–SON OF A BITCH–I’m gonna be bald…”
“Are you here to yell at us?”
“[Name] and I used to date…”
“And boom goes the dynamite.”
“Yeah, I said it. Fuck you, [name].”
“Fuck you, fuck your boyfriend, and fuck the fetus that’s growing in the DISEASE RIDDEN VOID that you call a goddamn womb!”
“Your only talent is opening your legs for penises that would rather be inside of me!”
“You remind me so much of my mother…”
“Honestly, I’m more confused now than I was before.”
“Wait, did something happen to the mall?”
“THEY MAY TAKE OUR HAIR, BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR HOLLISTER!”
“Oh, yeah, that’s a hernia…”
“God dammit, can we get this right just once?!”
“No hard feelings at all.”
“Okay, will the two of you knock it the fuck off?”
“Everything hinges on you.”
“You can trust me. …Or can you?”
“I’m still pretty in the dark on what’s going on here…”
“When the fuck did everyone at this school start talking in goddamn code?!”
“I received a text about pie.”
“I’m sure you didn’t drag me across the Sahara desert that is the faculty parking lot for nothing, right?”
“They’re all fucking liars.”
“I’m an open book. Ask me anything.”
“I believe you have be confused with somebody else.”
“I understand you’re rattling the cage of [name]. Take it from somebody who knows: probably not the best idea.”
“[Name] will literally rip you limb-from-limb.”
“They did this to me for a bathroom. Imagine what they’ll do for an entire mall…”
“You’re right, I wouldn’t hurt a fly. A fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anyone. You, however, I would MAIM.”
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