Tay

He/It 18 | Poetry of debatable quality

[tayisacloud]

I appreciate the little things because what else is life?

[tayisacloud]

The Little Things

Yes I want to go swimming

Yes I want to lay in the grass and stare at the stars

Yes I want to share a cigarette with you

Yes I would like a hug goodbye

Yes I want to try that new restaurant that opened up on 52

Yes I’ll come to your house I’m on my way now

Yes I want to stay up late and then sleep in

Yes I want to do karaoke

Yes I want to go see that movie I know we’ll hate because the movie theater’s a magical place with you

[tayisacloud]

She lures me to her bed

And takes my hand in hers

Yet I must stop her

For I am clean

But I want to stain

And shatter

So that she may remake me

Holy

[tayisacloud]

Like Brother Like Son

Poor little boy

Born into this awful life

With these terrible siblings

And these horrible parents

Your future was written with the dust of those that came before

With your fragile bones and your delicate heart

Made to be broken and bruised

Painted with anger from birth

It’s no wonder you’re stained

I want to ask for your forgiveness

That you would never say I need

But I would beg anyway

I’m sorry for leaving you behind

For not giving you the stability you deserved

Not severing you from the roots you can’t escape alone

I’m sorry for being so angry all the time

It was what I learned too

[tayisacloud]

Filth

If I could I would dunk myself in boiling water in an attempt to cleanse me of some of my sins. Clear the tangible so I at least look clean. Let me quiet the evil that spreads from my heart and lock it within my soul. Then I would hide away from the world to spare it from me.

[tayisacloud]

Please let me crawl inside your skin so I may spend every moment with you. Let me see the world through your eyes and taste it with your tongue. Share your every thought with me and I will share mine too. We will blend into one smooth creature. Spend the rest of our life together. Know each other inside and out. Merge our souls together so we will be in the afterlife, still one.

[tayisacloud]

Jump Cuts

We sit in a large group

Laughter and jokes fill the air

We’ve put in a lot of hard work

And now we get to reap the rewards

We change like the tides.

You sit in in a chair

High out of your mind

Whispering oddly

“You’ve never been here before”

Slowly. Unnoticeably.

We talk in the gym

Awkwardly

I’ve never been here with a friend

I think I’ve made all the wrong decisions

But they’ve lead me here

The transition has not been smooth.

I cook ramen

You fry eggs

It’s a familiar motion

It’s a strange image

If I had been there I would know.

We sit and talk

Playing with fidgets

And trying to catch up on everything

We’ve missed so much

It has been a while

You called me a party girl

I wasn’t really outgoing before

A few drinks change a man

College changed me

I can see in the sand

Where the water used to rest

I think it’s weird you smoke

You never did before

Stress can change a man

Life changed you

But high tide is only a memory

Of who we used to be

[tayisacloud]

Tw: Descriptions and talk of self harm

I’ve never been big on cutting myself

I’ve tried it plenty

Sometimes I get the hype

Blood is such a refreshing shade of red

But I prefer the sensitivity of a bruise

The lightest pressure feeling like a kick

The mixes of purples, browns, and blues

Or the aftermath of a lighter

Heating metal before meeting skin

The blisters pop up quickly

The marks stick around a lot longer

Smoking’s got a special place in my heart

The good now knowing the bad will be only bad

It could be death

And yet I like it

[tayisacloud]

Old habits die hard

You’d be a fool not to know that

But I have proven myself to be such

Over and over again

It’s a cycle you think you can escape

But escape has always been the goal

Chasing the light at the end

Of a never ending tunnel

Escape real life

Escape your escape

Escape that too

You really can’t stop running

Staying here hurts

Going back is never safe for long

There’s no comfort

Nowhere soft to land

Only harsh ground beneath me

Only my hands and feet to catch me

Or my face if I fail

So I am left

Scrambling and stumbling

Trying to catch pieces before they break off

And pull back what I’ve lost

Before it all escapes

[tayisacloud]

The Unobtainable Cool Girl

The front of your hair bleached

A sharp contrast to its natural black

Your clothes a style I’ve only seen on instagram

And in my dreams

The type I can only study from afar

Never approaching lest they flee

Yet you came up to me

Made the effort of the getting past the awkward conversation strangers usually have

Even inviting me to hang

Bringing me to your dorm

Helping me make friends with your roommate

For the first time

I had it made

It is nice not to question

It is nice to have you exist with me

It is nice to hear that you need me

Because I could never sum up

In those moments at the start

How much I needed you

And how nice it was to actually have someone come through

And know me

[tayisacloud]

Cleansing

I clench my teeth as I meet him in the lake. He holds my wrist and I can feel him shiver from the cold. I don’t want to feel him. I want to feel the water even if it hurts and it hurts.

I can’t barely think past the pain and before I know it I am under. My entire body burns. I don’t know how he still holds onto the fire.

I try and count the seconds— they said it wouldn’t take more than 3— I make it to 10 before I have to open my eyes.

I am out of the water walking back to shore. I remain in pain. I remain in the water.

[tayisacloud]

I am angry. It is a deep anger, wanting only to destroy. How dare they do this to me. How could they not see how great I am. They should want me. They should need me.

…

It’s not your fault. I’m not even mad at you. There’s just so much. It’s like a thick black bile that coats every corner of my being. It burns.

…

I’m sorry.

[tayisacloud]

Correction

I will never want to

Be a poet

I think I could write some pretty works

poetry

If I could ever find the words

How to express myself

Somewhere like my tongue

closer to my lips

Than just my brain that makes up ideas

Abstract concepts that I should be able to make real

Breathe

I want someone to read my works and say “you captured that feeling in a way I’ve never been able to describe.”

I can’t find any

the words

Perfection comes to those who rest

Wait

Anything less is unacceptable

Deplorable

I am not patient

I get pissed off at the littlest mistake

Flaw

One day I will show you a poem

Then it will be mine

Perfect

[tayisacloud]

The Gluttony of a Teenage Girl

The light of the fridge floods the kitchen

The usual silence of the night ruined by me

It was supposed to just be a taste

Just a little bit of what should’ve been dinner

Then dessert

Then cereal

Then snack cakes

Then a sandwich

Then…

More than mouthfuls

Handfuls where half the food is smeared across my face and the floor

Then more

I have been full since long ago

But empty for even longer

[tayisacloud]

My Sister, Our Friend, and I

We’re all quiet

Mitski plays in the background, setting no mood

Yet they sit there and play with each others hair

And smile like they’ve never been so happy

I’m an odd observer

The closest an outsider can get to the inside

Still a separate chair

A separate air

They speak with their eyes

It feels like a language I used to know 

Maybe I still understand parts

The basic message is obvious

They’re in love

I’ve chosen my words carefully to this point

Pretending not to see what’s right in front of me

Two walls of tension fighting

Three unfortunate participants 

It’s past the point of no return

They’ve fallen of the ledge 

And I’m being moved over too

It’s wrong to feel so involved in other lives

Yet it’s hard not to be when we exist so close together

She’s the root

Love for her keeps us all intertwined

[tayisacloud]

Waiting (An Aptly Titled Poem)

I’ve begun to wait. I wait for a text. I wait for a call. I wait for the morning. I wait for sleep. I wait for my next cigarette. I wait for my next drink. I wait for the next outing. I wait for my alone time. I wait for my next meal. I wait to lose weight. I wait to leave. I wait to go back. I wait for the next song. I wait for the next episode. I wait to love. I wait to hate. I wait for the end.

[ranboolivesaysstuff]

I LOVE GENERATION LOSS!!!!