Things To Say When Picking Up
Things to say when picking up the phone
Jim’s Whore House, You got the dough we got the hoe
Jack’s Mortuary, U Stab ‘em, We Slab 'em"
Frank’s Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!
Joe’s Cryogenics, you kill 'em, we chill 'em!
Bill’s Roadside Diner: you kill 'em, we grill 'em!
“Abortion clinic, you knock em up, we knock em down, no fetus can defeat us, we have a special on twins today, how may I help you?”
Bob’s ambulance, you maul 'em we haul 'em.
“We’re sorry. You’ve reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.”
Hello Westwood Sperm Bank you spank it, we bank it
“Bob’s Orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em!”
“Miller’s Amish farm. Sorry, we don’t have a phone.” *click*
Acme Funeral parlor. You stab 'em. We slab 'em.
“You can use these from the Psychiatric Hotline:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or during the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don’t press any buttons - you’ll just mess it up.”
“Hello, you have reached the city morgue: you kill 'em, we chill 'em,”
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