if the world was ending
Just wanted to try some new things in here. 😅
If the world was ending now, then what a shitty way is it to die.
I tried my hardest to keep a cool front, sitting there with the fakest smile as I watched them lovingly dote on each other. Too much.
It was okay. I was okay. Until I wasn’t. It slowly touched my toes, dip after dip, daintily making its presence unknown until it suddenly washed over me and drowned me in an ocean of regret.
That could have been me.
I wanted this. I rejected him in the first place. I told him to go find a love that fits him. A love that could reciprocate. Because I couldn’t. I didn’t. Until I did. Slowly, like a wave that touches the shore on a bright sunny day—you think it wouldn’t reach you, then you’ll realize you were already knee-deep. And it was all too much and all too late.
“Would you love me for the hell of it?” I can still vividly remember you asking, it plays out in my head every night I regret. You were desperately holding onto me and I was too stubborn to let you. Maybe I was too proud I didn’t love you. You know, I wore it like a badge of honor—I didn’t fall... we were both on the ledge and you fell, and I didn’t. I won the game.
I won but it actually felt like the biggest loss I ever had. Cos I lost you.
I guess deep down I was just too scared. When all I could be is me, and all you could be is you...You were too much for me and I was just enough for you. You were a brimming cup and I was just an empty glass—pour me what you want but at the end of the day, I’d still be.. empty.
When you left that night, I hoped you’d come back and we’d both be sweeping off all the hurt under the carpets. Maybe we could go back to that comfortable platonic friendship I believe we had. Maybe you’d believe me when I said we could just be the perfect friends forever—the one you promised to watch the world end with from the back of your car.
But you never did.
Until today. When you showed up holding a hand that wasn’t mine, staring lovingly at a girl that wasn’t me. So you just love until you get rejected, huh? It ends when you reach an impasse? How am I supposed to believe every word you said now?
“If the world was ending you’d still come over, right?” I suddenly blurted out, remembering that promise you made me from years ago.
You and your girl broke out of your little bubble and stared at me curiously, her smile was innocent and blank. And yours was fading. I smiled at you, urging you to answer. Please.
“Right?”
I was desperately holding on to that one promise, but you wouldn’t let me. I was met with your silence and that tiniest hint of a smile—the one worn by those who won.
