Age gaps are a big topic in the teacher crush community.
Most of us are students - minors - crushing on adults with age gaps that can range from 5 to 40 years. And while a crush is harmless if it doesn’t become an obsession (addressed again later), having a relationship with an adult while being a minor is in no way.
And even when you are legally an adult and/or can give consent (depending on state and country this can vary) I cannot recommend or encourage you to pursue a relationship with a teacher immediately after graduation (in most countries around 17-19).
Now, while the law won’t stop you, you will still go through a lot of emotional changes and you will grow as a person a lot during your late teen years and your early twenties. This is also why - in most countries - the law allows adolescents to be judged as teens.
It has been scientifically proven that - on average - your brain is fully developed when you are 25 years old¹. And yes, it is absolutely possible to maintain a great romantic relationship with somebody older than you. It’s just important that there isn’t some sort of power imbalance - you two will probably have different levels of maturity. It’s important to realize this and work a way around it. Together. Share your thoughts with each other, what you feel. Be honest and direct, trust each other. There shouldn’t be a topic too taboo.
Also, find out about any possible predatory behaviour - from both male and female (going to make a post about this topic someday). They had a relationship with another student before you? Suspicious but fair enough. Two? Might still be a coincidence. But three is a pattern. And if they get mad at you for researching about this topic or lied to you about it and still make you out to be the bad guy, even after you explain it to them slowly and logically, run.
Now, if you are still a minor and illegally in a relationship with an adult, especially a teacher - do me a favor. Rethink.
Why can’t they wait for you after graduation or after you can consent? If they truly loved you, they would wait for you, wouldn’t they? They would want you to feel safe - after all, it’s not just their job or reputation on the line but also yours. And probably your relationship with your parents and/or friends - because I cannot imagine that - if you have a good relationship with them - they will approve of your relationship with somebody that has total power over you.
Now, one might argue that the minor has more power: They can go bail on them to their parents, the police or the school administration. But they rarely will because it’s easy to manipulate somebody who hasn’t realized their own worth or who they are yet. Especially by somebody who they are supposed to be able to trust.
Besides, everybody will think they are weird or - depending on the teachers reputation - lying. And a good reputation, social acceptance, fitting in is very important to most teenagers. Who wouldn’t want to be accepted? To be “liked”?
And now, let me show you signs of when something is an unhealthy obsession²:
letting them define you instead of yourself (living for whatever they have to say about you, e.g. you only feel intelligent when they tell you so)
idealizing them, ignoring their flaws even after some time has passed
they hurt you and you instantly forgive them, no matter what
they have become more important than your family and friends even though they are just a fantasy
if they ask you the littlest favor it becomes your priority number one even though you have something more important to do
you try to “monitor” them - find out where they are at all given times
Even though those are some of the signs, it does not mean it is immediately an obsession when you notice that you do some of those. But maybe you should read into the topic a bit to be sure. I’ll link some articles about it at the end.
Last but not least, promise me to be careful and try to be safe. If you are not sure that you are, consult somebody you deeply trust. Or if you’d rather, talk about it to someone anonymously on the Internet for example. My ask section’s always open. If you’d rather talk to someone else, I’ll link some more websites.
Talk about your experiences:
http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-yourself/contact-us/ │”Trained advocates” can be contacted through chats, texting or calliing
https://www.7cups.com/ │Chat with “trained listeners, online therapists and counselors” - anonymously
https://www.agonyapp.com/ │Anonymous relationship advice
http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/ │Online forum - account needed
¹Neuroscience: Development of Teenagers’ Brains:
Sarah-Jayne Blakemore’s Spearman Medal Lecture, “The Social Brain of a Teenager”, https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-20/edition-10/social-brain-teenager, n.d.
Mental-Health-Daily, “At What Age Is The Brain Fully Developed?”, https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/02/18/at-what-age-is-the-brain-fully-developed/, n.d.
²Articles about unhealthy obsessions & tips:
John Hollywood, “Confusing Love With Obsession? Know the Warning Signs”, https://pairedlife.com/love/Is-This-Love-or-Obsession, May 31, 2017 │Interview with Dr. John Moore (PHD in Psychology, teaches at American Military University)
Alex Lickerman M.D., “Obsession: How to make an obsession function properly”, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/obsession, April 26, 2010 │Definition of obsession & controlling it
Reference.com, “What Are Examples of Obsession?”, https://www.reference.com/world-view/examples-obsession-6426ff9fb52756b7, n.d. │Signs of obsession
