Fading memory

To anyone that happens to possibly stumble across this blog, Id like you to know that this is just me journaling my life, my emotions, everything pure and raw about who I am, what I do, and everyone that comes or passes through my life. My name is Teacup. 19. Trash Goddess.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Haven't been updating much because emitting much has been going on. I got drunk with Snow while Bunny was DD. Apricot came to get me. I'm drunk and miss Stone. Lmao I'll update better when I'm sober

[teacupschronicles-blog]

I feel so lost. I have a lot I need to do, with no motivation to do it. I'm losing my sense of purpose and I don't know how to handle it. So far I'm Hella just fucking up.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Spent the last few nights at bunny's house. Stone left today and I'm totally not prepared for the next 40+ ish days. I'm not used to not talking to him for so long.... We will see how it goes I guess. Side note: I called out of work last night because of the "ice storm" and I fid a no call/no show today.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Covering up how sad I am by drinking lean with Bunny and Snow lmao

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Stone told me he leaves Sunday for his 40 day deployment. Its so short notice, I thought I’d have longer to prepare for it. I’m gonna miss him. My heart breaks thinking about going so long without talking to him and not knowing if he’s doing okay. We haven't gone more than a few days without talking for over 6 months. It's gonna be weird and I won't be able to tell him happy birthday on his actual birthday.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Haven’t posted in a hot minute… My bad.

So a few days ago I was driving and three black cats passed in front of my path. So I knew some shit was gonna go down. Anyways so Tuesday is my Apricot day. We were at the top of the parking garage at the shopping mall and I was rolling up a pretty fat blunt (7pm ish.) When Bunny calls me asking us to come pick her up from the hospital in KC. Or course I said yes. I told Apricot not to worry about GPS because I was pretty confident I knew how to get there since I’ve been there quite a few times in the last few weeks. Anyways so I took the wrong exit but it wasn’t too big of a deal because it was still easy to get there. We are driving into the hospital grounds trying to find the right entrance. I’m in the left lane and I’ve been kind of disassociating a day because of my lack of sleep. Anyways, I realize the turn I need to make is right there and its a right hand turn. So you can see my dilemma. I’m not really thinking (because of me disassociating) and I make the right turn and lightly scrape the car fucking next to me, like a dumb ass. And of course there was a cop right behind me. I was about to have an anxiety attack. I was shaking so hard, I was telling Apricot to get me my insurance card and also trying to hide all my paraphernalia. It was so stressful. No one was hurt and the ladies car wasn’t damaged at all. I just knocked the dust off. My car didn’t get searched and I wasn’t ticketed. But it still scared the shit out of me. After we got Bunny we went to quick trip to get food so I could stress eat. We parked in a sketchy parking lot I downtown KC. A cop pulled up behind us and asked what we were doing parked there so late and we told Jim we just stopped here to eat. Again, scared the shit out of me.

Anyways that all happened Tuesday.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Side note: I found all my old medications that I used to be one and they got me on pills for everything.... Bipolar, depression, anxiety. It's stressful to think about quitting smoking but I know I gotta do it if I don't get a better job. I hate being so fucked up. My parents say it "adds character" or whatever that suppose to mean, it sounds like bullshit. It is bullshit.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

It was Aleys birthday today so we hungout and we ended up picking up Bunny and her sister Anna. We smoked hella blunts and cruised around. Afterwards I talked to Stoned for a little longer than 2 hours. I'm super proud that he's called me everyday this week. I hope he keeps it up. I got these three dudes that were assholes. He tipped 50¢ and his ticket was 7 and some change. But he wrote the total as $57 and some change. So I got a $50 tip. Haha what a dumb ass. I'll be pretty I don't give a fuck. Stone also messaged me at work, and he kind of poured his heart out. Then he called me again and told me all of that again and he talked about his ex. And that she knows they aren't ever getting back together. He kept saying that he would be friends with her and be her ear and whatever... It kind of bothers me but what can I do? Not shit. Honestly, I don't care if he's in her life but the moment he chooses her over me I'm gonna be done. But I don't think he'd do that...or at least I hope he doesn't. He has the complete ability to break my fucking heart. I hate being so vulnerable. I hate being so insecure. I hate being attached. I hope I sleep when I get off of work. I think I might dye my hair too and my pubes today as well lmao. Apricot had a slightly bad day so I might go into Ihop tomorrow and order food from her and tip her well. I also might save that for another day when she is having a worse time?

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Hangout with Yung tearz and smoked a bit of ganja. Talked to Stone for a little longer than 2 hours on the phone, I adore him. Also got my tire changed so I can drive my car AGAIN officially. Apricot came over and we talked and napped and talked and then she went to go hangout with The dude.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Talked to Stone the other day and he said he was gonna try and call me or Skype me everyday even if it was only for a few minutes. He called today so he didn't disappoint yet. He even set an alarm for everyday to remind him to call. He told me there's a rumor going around that they might get a week of leave after his unit gets back from their 40 day deployment. And if it's true he said he might come to Kansas for a few days. Even if he doesn't come here I just wanna see him in person. I'm gonna miss him a fuck ton, just thinking about not talking to him for that whole time breaks my fucking heart. It's gonna be worth it though, he's worth it. Also got my breaks fixed today, that was $534. That also breaks my heart tbh. Fire alarms kept going off at the house today while I was sleeping. They went off 12:30 to 4:30pm every twenty minutes. I just wanted to scream, and try to leave the house but everyone was busy and it was too cold to walk anywhere. Putting up with that almost drove me crazy. Currently waiting to possibly buy some dank but Matthew is being hella flaky as usual. Bunny ditched me basically, she said she had work at 8am so she couldn't hangout (even though I had a ride.) which I understood that, I wasnt mad until she decided to post on snapchat at almost 2:30am. Like damn, if you don't wanna hangout just tell me, don't fucking lie. But whatever...

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Drank with Apricot on New years. She got drunk and bashed her cheek on the window :( Also I’m currently drunk. Also Stone asked me to go to New Hampshire with him next time he had leave. Thing is, he doesn’t know when he’s gonna get any leave. So that’s cool I guess. I’m kinda of happy he asked, it makes me feel loved and kind of like he actually wants me in his life for once.

Anyways so Yung Tearz bailed tonight so it was just me, Apricot, Chad, Jerica, and her boyfriend all drinking together. It was quite a blast. Apricot and I talked and smoked in her car it was also nice.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Small update:

Got a new bong. I'm so fucking pleased with it. Haven't talked to Stone much. Smoked with Shorty Today. Hopefully hanging with Apricot later. Still wanna die kind of and I still feel lost and have barely any sense of myself at all. Also convinced myself that Stones Christmas present would get lost in the mail and never sent it. Super hungry.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

I got kind of a long update that I'm also gonna try and keep short. Also note, I'm very fucking stoned. So work I called out of work Saturday because I was pretty fucking sick. Like, I was throwing up and there was a bit of blood. Anyways so I called out of work and I ended up hanging with Snow (Bunny's little sister) and we talked and smoked. She's taking her mom being in the hospital badly. But I don't blame her, her mom signed Bunny over to being her and their little sisters guardian; also all the accounts to her as a beneficiary so she can take care of them. It's a lot to handle. Work Sunday fucking sucked. Chris left an hour Into the shift after he was already an hour fucking late. It was complete bullshit. We were fucking slammed, on Christmas and I made shit tips. I quit at the end. But I got my paycheck and that was $110 and by the end of the shift I was $3 shy of $200.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Haven't gotten around to updating... My bad. Me and Apricot had a great Tuesday. We went Christmas shopping and ate at Fizzolis. I fucking love that place, we both agreed its only a place to go to every few months. I still have to get Stones Christmas presents and send it to him. Fingers crossed I get it sent in time so that he gets to open it. I had a bad day at work yesterday. Just some customers going assholes. Anyways I get a call from Stone (while at work still) and he said that he just woke up and thought about me. (it's around midnight) He tells me how happy he is that I'm in his life and that he adores me and a bunch of other sweet stuff. I was crying once we hung up because he unknowingly just made my night so much better. I'm so thankful for him.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

I made a lot of money at work for a Sunday night shift. But some PUKED ALL OVER THE FUCKING BATHROOM. JESUS CHRIST. WE HAVE A FUCKING TOILET. Always, I'm super fucking tired and I have a lot of Christmas shopping to do still. I'll update when more is going on.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

Something incredible happened. Let's me start from the beginning. I'm at work and my coworker Tony is being a fucking dick. He's being low key about but the point is he was irritating me and making my already bad day fucking worse. Anyways he taps me on the shoulder and says he's going outside for a break. While he's outside one of his tables, an older African American gentleman (also the only other person in the store other than Apricot and myself) walked to the register to cash out his ticket. He says, "is that your natural hair color?" with a smirk. I point to my name tag and say, "yes sir, I'm a flower." (my name-tag says flower) He smiles and says, "you know what flower, I'm from Chicago and up there we like to gamble." Then he lays two dollars down and says, "thats the tip I was gonna leave for my waiter." He then lays down another dollar and says, "now I'm gonna leave this money here and you can do what you want with it.... Or you can give me the three dollars and see if there's more money in my hat, you get to make the choice" I reply with, "he's been a dick to me all night.... So you know what? Yeah I'll gamble and see if there's more money." He asks me if I'm sure a couple of time and I say yes every time. I was more sure every time I said it too. I wasn't going to feel bad if there ended up being no money under his Chicago snap back. He pockets the three dollars and slowly lifts up his cap. A crisp 20 dollar bill falls to the table. I look at him in shock, to be honest. He then tips his hat and tells me to have a good night. I pocket $17 and leave $3 for Tony. I think of it as a Christmas miracle and karma all in one. This was honestly the highlight of my night other than smoking bowls with Apricot.

[teacupschronicles-blog]

I really just don't feel like I have anyone. The best advice I got was that I'm on control of my mood and happiness or whatever thats suppose to mean. No one knows how hard I have to try to usually see the brighter side of things. I know I'm pessimistic, I'm being real though. I still try and have a laugh and enjoy my surroundings and the people I'm around. My intrusive thinking doesn't stop. Ever. So I'm gonna get knocked and torn down after awhile. I'll heal. But I really fucking needed you today and you weren't there. You left me on read even though I'm fucking hurting. I'm so fucking numb.