I got dumped on my birthday, via text
Three months ago, I hooked up with a friend’s friend, Mitch. Mitch was Alex’s high school friend, Alex is one of my best friend Mel’s husband, who through his brotherly love has become one of my good friends.
Mitch wasn’t the usual guy I have been with, he is more reserved, introverted, and more intelligent compared to all the other blonde hair, light eyed men I have been with. Mitch communicates differently, he is more up front and attentive, he also saved no time to tell me he enjoyed my company on our one night stand and wanted to take me out to dinner.
I haven’t been taken out on a dinner date that wasn’t for the purpose of having sex in a very, very long time. A very long time. I unfortunately have been with men who pursued something casual, something lighthearted, very flirty at the early hours of the morning, 1am to be exact - which the young Tina continuously, mistook this for love, or something equivalent. It sounds embarrassing and how stupid could I have been? Its very obvious that this was just a casual sexual relationship, but when that is all you know, that is all you have to work with and that is all you have to work with - to convince yourself that you are experience LOVE, but the form of LOVE you receive is different to everyone else. What would they know? They don’t know the deep feelings you feel.
You really cannot understand, well fully understand, how someone feels - when 22 year old Tina falls in love with 26 year old Steve over months of weekly post Friday night drinks hook ups - as stupid as it seems, you wouldn’t understand the “love” she felt.
After our first dinner date, I was still a bit unsure because how Mitch was, who Mitch was, was quite foreign to me. Our interests, our jobs, our hobbies, and or taste in everyday things, we a bit different - but he was very interesting to me. We spoke most days, then it became everyday, the effort, the care, the time invested in our ‘fling’, was still very new to me. I’m used to waiting, and guessing and trying to figure out what words mean, and what peoples intentions were, my attachment style is anxious, so anxious because thats all I knew.
I was quite lucky that Mitch and I had one big thing in common, we liked routine. And talking to each other, and seeing each other every week become part out of routine - quite quickly. I can only speak for myself but I’d like to think he felt the same way, but, my feelings started to grow for him, and I started to really care about him and what he did, how his day was, what is goal was and all the light hearted things, like his music, what he reads, what he eats.
Journalling, aka writing this blog entry is meant to be a form of therapy, its meant to be cathartic and a form of closure - which it always is. But its still very painful and hurtful to live it through, you feel all the emotions you thought had passed through you, and out. But it still hurts, and you’re still in bed crying on a Sunday night which you used to spend with that person. I mistakenly did my very expensive skin care routine before bed so will try not to wash the hyaluronic acid and retinol off my face with my tears.
So someone so different to me, and I started to have something really sweet, and special. But it came to an end when I started a tiff because I felt he was distant with me and because I felt this, the anxious behaviours I had learnt through all those previous years surfaced and I wanted to push him away, before he could slowly ghost me. That’s what I did but all I wanted and probably should have been more direct and just asked for was some reassurance. Some reassurance he didn’t lose interest in me, and he’s feelings didn’t change. In all fairness he did at the start give me this, but at the moment, my heart and wounded feelings, just needed that little bit more.
After a few days of no contact, I started to miss him a lot and really doubt, regret, and every feeling under the “guilt” umbrella and maybe I did overreact and I should have just taken his little bit of reassurance and just shut my mouth and call it a night. I reach out to him, and nothing. Fair enough he probably was annoyed so I let it have some time. By Sunday (one week later from the original message), I felt really unsure of whether he was okay, still annoyed with me, or completely done with me. So i reached out again, and I got my answer the following night.
Side note: I love birthdays, I love my birthday. I like that we celebrate ourselves, I like that it means we live another year, and age another year. Each birthday is an end of a chapter, the previous 12 months. Each birthday is a celebration of all the lessons you learn, all the heartbreak, all the times you laugh with your loved ones, and all the times you cried in silence. I used to hate birthdays, I’d brush it off and hide it, pretend it was just another day - but I didn’t know how to receive love, I didn’t know how to welcome that energy and those feelings because, maybe it was so foreign? It felt weird, opening my heart that one day when all the other days I didn’t feel ANY love. But now, I love my birthday - I love receiving love, I receive love on the 5th of September every year but I also am so much more willing to receive it on all the other days. I learnt to take love, as much as I give. So that’s why I love my birthday.
The following day, was Monday the 5th of September 2022, it was my birthday! I knew Mitch “wasn’t good with birthdays”, I also knew he was still upset at me, so I tried not to check my phone so much to wait for his name to pop up on my phone, because he probably wasn’t going to message me those two words, because I didn’t think he would remember, which is fine. Sitting at dinner comforting a friend, his name pops up - he was angry at me, he felt that I was passive aggressive in my reaction, and it showed signs, I was insecure. And he wasn’t interested in an insecure relationship. Well I’m not either, and it kinda really hurt that, “insecure” has become his label for me. I sent back a few paragraphs but then ultimately asked if he wanted to reconnect again, and the stomach dropping, heart breaking words popped up “I do not want to try again”.
It started with a few tears, trying to pat my damp eyes with those fabric restaurant napkins that don’t actually pick up any liquids, so I am just scraping more makeup off my face, revealing the most red patchy, puffy face. Then, it was a few more tears, then before I knew it, I was sobbing, crying so hard, struggling for more air, makeup running down my face, down my neck onto my light grey dress. My false lashes fell off and I was struggling to respond to the very shocked waiter, who probably doesn’t get paid enough, who was very concerned, that “no, i won’t have dessert, just the bill please”. Then I got home, and felt so lonely and started to panic, and poor Mel at 10pm on a Monday night had to pick me up and listen to me cry for an hour at Port Melbourne beach. My pockets, my bag filled with snotty tissues, and my tears drenched everything. Its very hard trying to say the right things, and comfort someone so heartbroken, so freshly heartbroken so I am very appreciative that she manage to sit there with me for that long. She also had an early meeting the next morning.
Throughout my twenty bloody seven years, I cannot remember crying that hard, they call it heartbreak but my whole body hurt. My stomach, my chest and my heart hurt so much, it ached, it pounded and I could not believe how much tears a human being can produce without notice. I really did not think we would have ended, I thought I’d be apologising and paying for it. But I thought for what we had it wouldn’t end just like that, well just over me needing more reassurance and being an anxious partner - people say its other factors, which I don’t know how helpful it is... because ultimately they’re emphasising to me that Mitch got over me, or got the ick over something else before that conversation, which would hurt more because I felt so strongly for him, so it would be he stopped being interested in me way earlier that I thought.... so people, stop telling me that.
When Mel dropped me off, I got ready for bed, and part of my bedtime routine that night, I delete absolutely everything that reminded me of Mitch - I’d normally leave the text messages because its the only memory I have of him and what we had. But if i kept it, I would stare at those messages all day, i would scroll through to the ‘good times’ and break my heart over and over again but seeing how good it was, how good he was to me, then I would see the moment I stuffed it up for us. I would spiral out every day and continue to suffer, and the pain I felt that Monday night I thought that was how I would feel for the rest of the week, for the rest of the month, for a long long time. So for my mental health, and mental capacity and my very broken heart - I needed to erase him out of my life.
The next morning, I had a pounding headache and swollen eyes, I felt hungover, I felt sore everywhere - which why I say heartbreak affects the entire body. I did feel very empty, I think I hurt so much the night before, the next week days, well the rest of the week I felt quite numb to it. After crying so hard, I got a little more clarity, on the situation, on how Mitch treated me compared to what I did, on the grand scheme of things.
I needed reassurance because I liked Mitch so much, I pushed him away because I feared he would push me away first, he isolated me and ignored me for days, even after I apologised and tried to express my feelings and my why, he continued to ignore me for a few days, I messaged again asking if we were still anything or did he move on, he responded the next day dumping me, calling me insecure, I apologised and expressed my remorse and asked to try again, he said no. and it ended.
Then i found out he knew it was my birthday, and still chose to dump me then. He also told Alex that he had already ended things with me because he wasn’t vibing me anymore, 40 minutes before he actually ended things with me.
I cried hard that Monday night, and I cry hard now writing this - I think that was very mean to treat me like that. It was very harsh for what I did, and all the love I gave him. The softness and vulnerability, the feelings I gave him - I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, its very mean, its very cruel.
I openly express how I feel easily, I am soft hearted, in touch with my emotions and am vulnerable with those who I love. Throughout the time with Mitch, I’d like to think I was in touch with my feelings and emotions, soft and gave a piece of my heart to the time we had together. Things between us but genuine, so beautiful and soft, soft. So with clarity, when I look back, how he treated me, was very mean, and I haven’t really had someone so careless with my feelings, and cut me out so harshly.
Mitch really hurt my feelings, he broke part of my heart. I cried over losing what I had with him, I cried over losing him but I also cried over the shock that someone could treat me so mean, and be so careless with me.
He told me he didn’t want an insecure relationship, he didn’t want someone who was on his back if he wasn’t 100% on his game. Which i felt was very unfair because that isn’t me at all, I give so much to people when they’re down and in this one instance that I didn’t he couldn't forgive me for it.
Well, I’m looking for a relationship where my person is softer on my heart, softer on my feelings because I give so much of my feelings for people. I’m looking for someone who doesn’t abandon me when I make a mistake in their eyes, they forgive me at the very least but also work through those mistakes with me. Together with me, so we learn and grow together, because that is what I would give to them. I wouldn’t call my person insecure, and leave them - I would be there with them, give them the reassurance, and help them understand why they feel the way they do, and help with work through it.
That is what I am looking for in my person.
Despite all the tears, hurt feelings, and, more tears - with time, maybe not right now because I am obviously still so upset over it but ... with time, I will heal and I will treasure the time I had with Mitch, he taught me how good it could be for me, how i really can be treated, what I deserve, the talking, the care, the quality time, the well thought out dates. I got to experience the feeling of knowing you have your person, the constant in your day, the comfort in your heart.
For the love I am willing to give, I deserve so much in return.
Mitch was a wonderful person, and I wish him all the best.
But that is the story of how I got dumped on my birthday, via text.
The story of how I can never go back to the restaurant Movida.
