MISCELLANEOUS SENTENCE STARTERS
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
“Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”
“I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.”
“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.”
“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
“If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”
“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!”
“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.”
“You know what I like most about people? Pets.”
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?”
“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”
“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.”
“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist.”
“I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.”
“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
“I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.”
“You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!”
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.”
“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”
“If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around.”
“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”
“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”
“I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.”
“Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.”
“I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”
“Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”
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