life, i guess?

uh idk i just write whatever im thinking probably a lot of shitposts

[tearawayskin]

currently reading yaoi in the dentists office. should i ask them to put it on the overhead tv?

[tearawayskin]

wow not worrying about getting into university is amazing. im so glad im taking a gap year. i have a whole year to relax. (Except for the fact that the university I want to go to has a full-ride scholarship available for students (even if they take a (maximum one-year) gap year), and the application is due in November. Additionally, I only achieved a 1200 on the SAT when I took it a couple years ago, so I’ll have to retake the SAT, aiming to achieve a 1450+ because I’ve already marked myself as non-test-optional.)

[tearawayskin]

i got permission for a gap year. im so excited to wait a year before college.

[tearawayskin]

i have to go to bed early so i can wake up early so i can exercise early so i can shower early because i hate to take showers later than 09:25 and i prefer to shower after i get sweaty but i cant exercise before i shower if i dont wake up before 07:30 but i havent woken up before 07:30 recently because i dont go to bed early and i dont go to bed early because sleeping is hard

[tearawayskin]

ok this might be stupid but i feel like its always a deeper yet rougher (like rough on the edges) relationship when two men who happen to fall in love with each other date. (as opposed to when two men who have a preference towards men date) like theyre already both tops and they have to sort that out, theyve never imagined themselves with a man before because its just HIM and its only (so far) HIM. his gender doesnt matter in the face of love, making the relationship deeper, but its the first for everything so its quite rough around the edges. or at least thats what i think as a speculative bystander.

[tearawayskin]

honestly i love just writing a whole paragraph thats probably over sharing and also contains a bunch of run-on sentences but i prefer reading like the one sentence revelation type shit so imma try and do that.

[tearawayskin]

i wish i could write breathtaking poetry about how i feel right now but i just cant. instead, heres a teto song rec

[tearawayskin]

ive come to realize that i cannot, under any circumstances, go into subspace (is it called “going” into subspace? idk). subspace is my point of no return. ive read enough mind break fics to know that once i go under im never coming back. plus i am fairly certain that it would not take a lot to make me succumb to that headspace.

for example, i once went to get a haircut and the person cutting my hair was a very attractive alt woman. she started working on my hair and idfk what happened but it was like i forgot how to think. dumbification or something. anyways her hands were running through my hair and it was heaven. i was melting into my seat. i almost fell asleep. i lost track of time and reason and all i knew was that i never wanted her to stop. but, to my dismay, it was that point in the process where she needed me to look at the mirror and judge the haircut. she took her hands out of my hair and i whimpered. I FUCKING WHIMPERED. IN A HAIR PLACE (what are those called again?). thankfully, i dont think she heard me. she needed me to look at my hair and it wouldn’t have mattered if my hair was a hot mess. i said it looked great. i dont think i could even tell what i looked like. i tried to get up and my knees buckled. i caught myself but my movements were so sluggish that i could barely walk. I was shuffling and shaking to the checkout counter like a baby bird. i still cant shake off that feeling. i dont think i ever will be able to do so. i still yearn to feel like that again but never will i ever go back to that place again.

anyways uh so i need to not go into subspace. yep.

[tearawayskin]

i dont think i ever want to stop the growing scars on my skin. its not that i need to do it; in fact, i could go my entire life without picking up another silver blade. but the thing is, i dont want to. i want to carry this piece of me into every aspect of my life. i want to feel the ache of red lines when i shower and the twinge of pain everytime i move a limb. i look at self harm not as a coping mechanism but as a lifeline to myself. i know that wherever i go, whatever i do, this will always be a part of me.

[tearawayskin]

all i know about myself is that i want attention. not the 'all eyes on me kind', but the kind of attention where you know someone is worried about you even though they dont say it. they stare from across the room and watch you go about life in snapshots, analyzing everything you do. you catch their eyes, and they shy away like theyve been caught. you can feel their concern thrum like a drug underneath your skin. honestly, its quite pathetic of me. what kind of monster wants to be broken just so they can be put back together by an unsuspecting stranger? i dont know why i am this way, but maybe i just want to feel the weight of concern on my shoulders, to have someone actually, genuinely care.