JOOE OOC

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WE’VE COME FULL CIRCLE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN !!!

For a while there it really felt like nothing was going right. It had mostly to do with things with Ahin and Kihyun. Me and Kihyun officially got together and what...it’s been close to a month now? But at first Ahin really, reallllly didn’t like him. For me personally that was a really stressful because??? Who would ever want to be caught between the two people you love the most? But like some time went by and things got normal again. I hope this isn’t a shitty thing to say but I felt like I can like realllly talk to Ahin again? I was employing a tactic of avoidance because I had taken the L on that one and I just really felt like I was hurting her. THAT’S THE WORST NEVER DO THAT. DO AS I SAY -- NOT AS I DO. And I’ll apologize to her for that one day but idk I’m just happy to have my friend back. I’m a little iffy on bringing up Kihyun but like what I really wanted anyway was for her to feel like she could confide in me. And she has and all I can say is don’t do it because a fuckboi is a fuckboi even if they seem kinda nice.

And exciting news for me and Kihyun. I found out yesterday and I’ve been sitting on this information deciding what to do with it and how I really feel about it but...I’m...pregnant? I haven’t told anyone half because like damn girl how tf did you go and get yourself knocked up. I kind of am saying that to myself too but the decision to look forward to bringing this new life into the world isn’t one that I’m regretting. I’ve always maintained that I would be okay with or without Kihyun and that’ll keep being the same when I have a lovely, lovely child too. Although...idk Kihyun is in it for the long haul. At first I was kind of iffy. LIke at the very beginning when we first, first started talking. I thought maybe he was wasting my time but I don’t know...I really feel loved and I really feel love towards him. He takes care of me. LIke I don’t need him to but I totallllly let him baby me because ugh he’s just so damn cute and he makes me feel safe. THe topic of our pasts or well....the topic of my past hasn’t really come up and i”m honestly terrified of having that conversation with him. First of all I don’t want to be pitied but second of all like...what role is my biological mother going to play in my life moving forward? 

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AIGOO~

Quite a bit had happened. Well, for one, Kihyun and I are a thing. It took a lot and it was hard at times but for this to be the end.... everything feels really good. I'm so super, super close to dropping the L word at like every damn second but I gotta tell myself to chill. Before all that, I just want to enjoy him and this time we're carefree, wrapped up in our affection for one another. In the midst of this, Ahin confessed to me...maybe I mentioned this already but it's been a source of a fair amount of stress for the both of us. I'm not mad or annoyed with how Ahinie feels -- I know you can't help but like someone sometimes -- but I feel so bad because I think I lead her on for a bit. We hooked up a couple times and i was always very flirty with her after that. It wasn't so much a problem until things between Kihyun and I started to get serious. Now...it sort of feels like I'm hurting just by talking to her. Aigoo~ indeed 😞😞

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hello sweet girl. i know you’re probably still asleep, but i just wanted to send you a nice message to wake up to. so i know you’re scared to make us public because you’re trying to be a good friend, but i just wanted to let you know that i have never been more sure or more excited about being with anyone in my whole life. there was one person before you, but she was taken from me way too soon. i never pictured myself ever loving or being with someone ever again after her. after she gave me the most wonderful gift i could ever ask for. i was sad for a very long time after she left us. as i should have been...i never really let myself get out there again. yeah there were a few dates here and there, but there was never a spark. never ever anything. but right away with you...i knew i had gained a friend. the fact that you never once showed fear when i told you about juna (because let’s be honest...if i were as young as you...and i found out the guy i’ve been talking to had a 2 year old daughter...i’d go bananas!) and you were so gentle and calm with her...i knew right then that maybe my feelings for you were deeper than friends. i love that i’m getting to know you, and that we’re taking things relatively slow. but just know, that you already mean so much to me. i see so much happiness in our future. you really saved my life babygirl. and i want you to know you can take your time. there’s no rush. because in the end i’ll always want you.

[lanattie]

👅💋

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Well fuck… nevermind

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So, I guess I’m making the same mistake?? I think I could have an actual shot with this guy but I’m way too fucking scared to shoot it. hhhhh why am i like this??

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You played yourself Jooe :’) but like…it’s for the better.

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There’s a downside to hiding your emotions so well. I get to avoid actual attachment and the vulnerability that comes with it yeah but...then no one actually knows how I feel about them. I do like Kihyun and I guess it feels worse knowing there could’ve been a chance for us had I not tried so hard to push him away. But I guess I was banking on being hurt at the end that I jumped the gun. But~ I guess I got what I wished for??

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I really love my friends. I've been able to get close to so, so many people and honestly I couldn't be happier !!

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Well fuck... nevermind

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HHHH...

I'm disappointed and a little angry but things would've been this way in the end at any rate. I'm also kinda relived though because now things arent up in the air?? ....Not as much at least... seriously though this guy needs to make up his MIND

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You played yourself Jooe :') but like...it's for the better.

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All he did was call me cute but??? It meant??? So much to me???

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Time to set the diddly darn record straight.

I shouldn't let gossip get to me but when it's out right wrong, then I gotta dish. And I know it's because of things with Kihyun...and maybe how they ended. BUT THEY NEEDED TO END!!? I will admit, by the time I drew that line in the sand, I was crushing. Certifiably crushing and growing smitten. I just couldn't take the push and pull. Kihyun took me to the aquarium and...it was...I was on cloud nine and the concept of "us" became momentarily sharper. He's so charming when he's flirting. So genuine and shy and soft-spoken when we're together. I liked him and that's why it hurt for him to tell me to my face that he still loved his ex. It hurt for him to say to me that she's perfect and that I couldn't come see him because she was already there. It hurt for him to tell me that he wanted to fuck her but be so on the fence about things with me. So, I told Kihyun that wasn't an equation I wanted to be a part of. That I could only be his friend. Who would blame me?? One minute he's calling me cute and the next he's saying he wishes he could still be with her? Then be with her and leave me out of it.

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Why did that make me cry ://

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Boys are the devil but sometimes they just be looking so??? Good????

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content

/kyənˈtɛnt/

[adjective] In a state of peaceful happiness

Feels like the word of the day. I just...I feel like a level of self-fulfillment that I never have before. I am happy and I am Jooe and maybe those things haven't correlated in the past. I am not particularly in love or enamored by anyone at all but I hope to form a great many close relationships that offer more than just the rush of romantic intimacy. I want strong friendships and strong understanding and acceptance. And maybe after I get those things, I'll start looking for a boo. But that doesn't mean I'm not looking for a few flings along the way. I can think of a couple~ people I wouldn't mind kissing 😍!! But for now:, I want to work hardest at making friends and being known as someone who is nice and easy to talk to.