You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about STRESS? OK, I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac, how bout that for stress?... This company is being bled like a stump pig, Mac and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out.......... Take a look at this: That right there is the mail. Now can we talk about the mail? Can we talk about the mail, please Mac? I'm dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? Pepe Silvia; this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day, Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia. Pepe Silvia. I look at the mail, well this WHOLE BOX IS PEPE SILVIA!!! So I say to myself 'I gotta find this guy, I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands, otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here.' So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, WHAT DO I FIND OUT???.... There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, OK? So I decided 'Awww shit, buddy I gotta dig a little deeper.' There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be KIDDING ME! I got BOXES full of PEPE!! Alright, so I start marching my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say 'CAROLLLLL!!! CAROLLL!! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!' And when I open the door what do I find, there's not a single goddamn desk in that office, there is...no...Carol...in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Sawyerâd just be like WHAT IS HAPPENING. Like, I can see him going to the bar or whatever and just meeting Charlie heâd be like, woooooooow. âSomeoneâs gotten pretty damned burnt,â basically. HAHAHAH
AHAHAH OMGGGG. ~like even if Charlie isn't drunk/high, I'm pretty sure he's gonna have that reaction tbh. ;DDD So Charlie and the gang are pretty easily scammed (there's actually an episode where they are like "we know this is a scam and we aren't gonna get sucked into it" and then they do hahah) Not that they have a whole lot of money between them, but if Sawyer wanted to make an easy buck, I can see where they'd all basically hand over all of their money like that, haha.Â
Lily sighed and nodded in confirmation, âThe messiest.â She shook her head. âBut Iâm glad that thereâs an upside - youâre way less smelly than the last janitor,â she teased.Â
Lily raised an eyebrow - apparently someone had a crush. âBorderline stalking, huh? Lucky for you, Iâm somewhat of a former stalker myself - had to meet Marshall somehow!â She grinned. âAnd yes, actually, Jess and I are pretty close⊠we share some common interests.â No need to mention that the main common interest is beer⊠Lily thought to herself. âYou know, for starters, whatâs so hard about just talking to her, like you are to me? Jess ranks up there with me on the list of teachers with messy students - I guarantee youâre going to be called into her classroom sooner rather than later.â
"I'm not as smelly as the last janitor?" Charlie repeated, "Wow, that must have been ripe. Oh man, my other job is as a janitor at a bar -- you'd think I'd smell twice as bad. I did find some old cologne when I was taking out the garage yesterday, it smells pretty good though, right?" He asked, enthusiastically.Â
But he was even more interested in what she was saying next, "Oh, man, we're like ... partners in crime, or whatever. Is Marshall like your boyfriend or whatever?" He asked, "Or ... how'd that work out for you?"Â
He paused, "Yeah, yeah ... common interests. Â Okay, so like ... do you think she likes magnets? Because they are one of my favorite hobbies."
Whoa omg idk????? I can see Rick and Jack or something heading to the bar to chill for awhile, so thereâs that. Ummm, also if Jess ever files for a restraining orderâŠjk, jk. But I feel like Rick would just be, ââŠwftâ any time they meet. HAHAHAHAH
OMGGGG Rick and Charlie how are they even in the same like universe haha. Okay, so I guess coming into the bar would be the best place for them to meet? (Although tbh I don't think that Rick and Jack would ever go back b/c the bar is just like ????? like idk how they stay in business tbh but yeah). And I can either see Charlie being like OMG COOL A COP or like " ... oh, shit I'm high right now." Or probably even both haha.Â
"Thanks, my fiance thinks so too," Lily replied, smiling. She could never tell if guys were flirting, but she always threw out the "fiance" bit as soon as possible just in case. Even though she loved to get compliments. A lot.Â
"A professional, huh?" She cocked an eyebrow, feigning disbelief. "Well, be warned, my students are professional mess makers. They will definitely keep you busy. I apologize in advance.â
"Sawdust? Thatâs a handy trick. Guess you are a professional!" Lily said, this time truly impressed. Sheâd have to remember that. It looked like Charlie was going to be a much better janitor than his predecessor, an old grump who would rather sleep than clean - although, Lily couldnât really blame him for that. Sheâd rather sleep than teach. And, truth be told, she frequently found excuses to do so. Nap time was her favorite part of the day, much to her studentsâ dismay.Â
"Iâve been teaching here for five years⊠so yes, I do know all the other teachers," Lily replied. That was sort of a strange question. "Um, I suppose Iâm good friends with them. Some are kind of prudish though." She frowned, thinking of Mrs. Hennessy, who was a stereotypical school marm, frizzy grey hair and horned rim glasses and all. "But theyâre all nice, for the most part, at least they are to the rest of the staff. And the fun ones are a lot of fun.âÂ
Charlie laughed, "Messy little guys, huh? Alright, okay I respect that though. Work hard, play hard, that's what I always say. Also, they make messes and I keep my job, so it's all gooooood."Â
"Good, good," Charlie said, more to himself than to Lily. "So, you know like ... I don't know ... Jess Day that well?" He asked, "We're kinda friends. Well, we are in that, you know, weird place where like I don't know, I don't want to say stalking because people just take that the wrong way these days, but like you know, just like checking up on her and she may, or may not, know it. But like, I think she's really cool and all and I just think we'd be like, really good together, but I need something to like ... break the ice? I don't know if you could help me, but I'd just really appreciate it." He paused, "Especially because Valentine's Day is coming up and I thought I could do something really nice for her, to just let her know how much I care about her."
Charlie couldn't always navigate his way through this town: this place where he had spent his entire life -- but he could guide you through the air vents at Paddy's Pub in the dark. He started going up there to set traps for the rats (there were way too much of them around the bar and the gang was certainly violating more health codes than any of their customers would like to know -- this one being the least of their worries) and ended up chilling up there and eating the cheese out of the traps.Â
He had been spending more and more time up there lately because of the guy who had died there three days ago. It had been up to Charlie to disinfect the booth where they had found him and although that booth had never been cleaner, he still felt like the guy was there. And if it wasn't his body, it must be his spirit.
Charlie was convinced the bar was haunted and somehow the air vents seemed safer. Besides wouldn't the ghost be trapped in the room where he died? Charlie wasn't sure, but he wasn't going to take any chances. Â
The one thing that did draw finally draw him out, however, was a conversation he caught coming from below. He peered through the vent and caught sight of a young man who was drinking a beer and chatting on his cellphone. "The EMF readings were off the charts, dude. I've never seen a place that houses so many ghosts before. It's like a freakin' graveyard in there."
That's all Charlie needed. He opened up the vent in the ceiling that was right above his booth and jumped down (not so gracefully) onto his table.Â
"Did you just say ghosts?" He asked, loudly, a half wild look in his eye. Jumping down from the table he slide into the bench across from Dean,
"Dude, are you like ... are you like a ghostbuster or something? Because whoa, that's .... that's way cool. Also," He leaned in closer, and whispered, "Also I think there may be a ghost here. I mean, like this guy died and I think he's haunting the bar. You gotta help me, man."
OMG YES THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED like just picturing Deanâs face when some crazed dude jumps out of the air vents and like HEARD THEM TALKING like OMG BEST. Â Like, âOk, ~insert clever pop culture reference about air vents, what can we help you with?â Â And like basically itâd just be all
And heâd be like, âDude, this bar?  THIS bar?  It might be haunted by the souls of past beers left to ferment on forgotten shelves, butâŠâ  Jk, jk.
THOSE PICS WILL FOREVER BE MY FAVORITE I CAN'T LOOK AT IT AND NOT LAUGH OK FLAWLESS EXPRESSIONS 5EVERRRR.
And right???!! Just another person Dean is like ~omg this town!my life what is air??? b/c of all the weird, haha. :DD Anyway, want me to start them or would you like to?? I'm down with whatevessss.Â
"Weird."  Jess gazed up at the ceiling, flipping the switch again and again before, squinting, she realized her lightbulbs were missing.  "WhereâŠ?"  They had, afterall, been there only yesterday.  She was just on the point of running outside to raid the janitorâs cabinet when he appeared.
Jessâs big blue eyes widened.  âCharlieâŠâ  As Jess had once told Nick, âItâs not exactly that Iâm scared of him, but also, in another somewhat dissimilar wayâŠIâm definitely scared of him.â  Not that she thought he meant any ill will, it was simply the fact that he didnât seem, in clinical terms, completely stable to her and, as a result, she didnât know what to expect.  He also always seemed to know where she was or what she was up to and that was definitely creepy.  Nonetheless, he was sweet enough, which was the reason she had ever reached out to him, in the first place - something she now regretted. Â
"I didnât, um, expect to see you hereâŠOr anywhere."  For a moment, she wondered why it ever surprised her when he randomly appeared out of nowhere.
"Oh, you-No. Â N-n-n-no," Jess scrunched up her face. Â Sheâd never been good at confrontation and her answer was usually to start singing or making weird noises. Â However, she felt the need to help save any errant kids. Â After all, sheâd once seen him screaming at his Little Brother, and that wasnât something Jess could stand to see again. Â Not sure what to say she did, in fact, begin to sing: "Why would anyone do that?" Â
Stopping herself, she added, âYou know, I always think that justâŠteaching by example and not actually, you know, talking to or touching or anyway approaching the kids isâŠthe bestâŠway toâŠteach.â  She quickly pushed her lesson plans deep inside her bag.
Quickly hoping to change the subject, Jess put one hand on her hip.  âAstronaut, huh?  Thatâs soâŠâTo infinity and beyond!ââ she cried, using her best Buzz Lightyear voice (it came up a surprising amount for Jess).  âUmmm, what do you do, exactly, when youâre notâŠlightbulbsâŠâ
Charlie chuckled, "Gotta watch out. I'm everywhere. You think you are alone and BAM!" He shouted, clapping his hands together for effect, "I'm there. Always gonna be there for ya, Jess," He said, pointing towards her, smiling and laughing, pleased with himself that he had just managed to prove how much he cared about her, not realizing that he came off as more of a deranged stalker than a potential suitor.Â
"Well, to each his own," Charlie said, when she tried to subtly convince him not to mentor the kids. Charlie took this hint as her trying to test him and he was not going to let her down: he was up for the task of teaching these kids how to live their lives and prove to Jess that they should get together. "I actually like a more hands on approach. Especially with the slower kids, if you know what I mean. Am I right? I just really wanna touch these kids, Jess. No, no I mean it. And you can quote me on that."
Charlie stepped up onto the ladder and started to screw in the new light bulb, "Right? I mean I think stars are awesome. Especially because they are made by like my two favorite things: fire and trash. I'm actually very green by the way," He said, "I know I could just take the trash from here and the bar and put it into a landfill where it's going to stay for millions of years, but I'd just rather burn it up and get a nice smokey smell going and just let that smoke go up into the sky where it turns into stars."
"And 'let there be light'," Charlie said, in his deepest Morgan-Freeman-as-God voice.
"Oh, man. Well, I really like cats. And cat food. I mean, it's disgusting but the right combination of cat food and beer will knock you out and you'll get the best sleep of your life, swear to god.I'm also really good at killing all the rats at the bar and just keeping the place a nice and clean establishment for all of our patrons and I just hope I can continue to do that here," He said, lacing his fingers together, "I also am really interested in the law ... and magnets."
Charlie was still in love with Jess, even though she had made herself very clear to everyone that she was not interested. But he was determined, and he would not be swayed. Recently, he had been performing a whole series of tasks to help her, such as chasing off people who might steal her bike, putting vitamins in her shampoo, and testing her food for poison. When he told her, she was not happy about the breach of privacy. He went so far as to break into her apartment and break things when no one was home, so he could offer to fix them. But that backfired because she'd just get Nick to fix it.
Charlie did not like Nick.Â
So now, he had to figure out a way to see Jess and what better way than to get a job at her school? When a part time janitor position opened up, he didn't wasting anytime in applying. And with Mac's help, he had managed to threaten any of the other applicants who were interested and the job was Charlie's by default.Â
The night before he had taken all of the lightbulbs out of Jess's classroom, so he'd have a reason to be there when she got there in the morning.Â
"Good morning, good morning. It's a beauuuuuttiifffullll day! And I'm here to give you light!" He sang, throwing the door open dramatically as he entered the classroom.Â
"So, hi. I got a job. Here. Because I thought what's better than shaping the youths of America? And I thought being an astronaut, because that would be fucking cool, but a little unatainable at the moment, so this is the next best thing. I'm thinking I'm going to take some kids under my wing, you know? And really mentor them. Share my life experiences and just ... make the world a better place." He grinned at her, honestly convinced that this speech of his would make him seem more desirable in her eyes, instead of crazy. But since he was an unbalanced janitor, mentoring anyone would not a particularly good idea.Â
Lily sighed. âWashable paint, my ass,â she grumbled to herself as she aggressively scrubbed her cardigan in the classroom sink. Her least favorite student - she tried so hard not to have favorites but then some of the little angels turned out to be slightly demonic and did stuff like this - had decided to pretend to be some sort of paint-throwing monster. Ben Crane looked like a sweet kid, with big blue eyes, round little cheeks, and an adorable little bowl cut, but he was a holy terror in the classroom. Lily had told the secretary that Ben accidentally dropped some paint on the floor because she didnât want to look like sheâd lost control of her class and she didnât want to scare off the janitor, but the truth was, the entire floor was now blue, with the exception of tiny little kindergarten footprints making their way to the door and slightly bigger Lily-sized footprints crossing to the sink. And, of course, her cardigan had Ben-sized handprints all over from where heâd struggled to steal back the paint that sheâd snatched away from him as quickly as she could.Â
Lily looked up at the sound of the unfamiliar voice announcing the arrival of the new janitor. âOh, hi,â she said sheepishly, quickly rinsing off her hands in the sink. âIâm Lily Aldrin⊠um, welcome to 105?â She sighed. âIâm so sorry about the mess. I swear weâre not usually this messy here.â At least, not in the other classrooms, she mentally added⊠this sort of thing was a semi-regular occurance for Miss Aldrinâs class. âWe just had a bit of a paint accident,â she finally said as explanation. Understatement of the year. âBut itâs a pleasure to meet you, Charlie!â she gave him a bright smile, hoping it would partially make up for the crazy mess the poor man was about to clean up.Â
"Lily, that's a cool name. Like the flower," He said, almost impressed with himself, "That's pretty neat. Okay, stand back. I am a professional," He said, motioning both of his hands to himself, "I spill paint all the time, dude."Â
"So, are these little rascals always so messy?" He chuckled, "Doesn't matter, keeps me employed, right?"Â
"I always keep this handy," He said, shifting through his supplies where he pulled out a bucket of sawdust, "Picks up paint like that," He finished, snapping his fingers.Â
"Sooooo ... how long have you been a teacher here," He asked, "You, uh, you know all the other teachers and whatever??" He tried to sound as casual as possible, but it was coming off almost suspicious. "Like would you say you are pretty good friends with most of them?"
"Just to be clear, you want me to go to classroom 105, not 115?" Charlie asked, for the fourth time since he had been told by one of the secretaries that there had been some kindergartener had dumped two things of paint on the floor.Â
The secretary told him, again, that it was Miss Aldrin's class (not Miss Day's) that needed the attention. Charlie had been on the job for five hours and hadn't had any reason to go to Jess's classroom - if this kept up he'd have to stay after work and replace the lightbulbs with burned out ones and forget to empty her trashcans til she got there in the morning.Â
He sighed, picking up his cleaning materials, and sulked down the hallway. But he lightened up when he considered that this might not be a total loss: the classroom was empty except for the teacher (the kids were at music) and hey, if he couldn't talk to Jess herself, wasn't a fellow teacher the next best thing?Â
"Knock, knock, knock," Charlie said stepping into the doorway, "I'm Charlie, the newww janitor here. You're the one with the paint spill? I'll just jump right on that." He said.
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