It's been a while since I last wrote. Recently I have been doing better overall. But when that time of the month comes around and as holidays start coming around as well as my birthday, I start to get moodier and the depression kicks into high gear like summertime. I have been doing better though. The suicidal thoughts and desires are almost all gone. Got a new trauma therapist, meds stable, gained about 3lbs, and have a boyfriend. But yesterday and today have hit me hard. I think it's from feeling lonely and my period that's coming. At least yesterday I was able to focus on something and had desires. Today is worse. I don't want to do anything except sleep or curl up and cry. Had vivid dreams a lot lately too. Some not so nice. Last night there was death involved with someone I cared for. Other nights my dreams are full of fear that the people who hurt me show up/they do and I and terrified. I can't stay asleep even with my sleep aid either.
I just want this month to be over. I used to look forward to Christmas. It was beautiful to me. But for years now I dread it and my birthday that is the day after. Not that I'm getting older, that doesn't bother me. Just the fact that it happens upsets me. Mostly jealous of people who get to celebrate theirs without tears. Mine I usually spend all alone and nobody cares about it because Christmas and people my age all have their own families and all that jazz. I expect I'll be alone again this year. I don't even know what I want to do at home while alone this time. I expect I'll just sleep as much as possible and try and not think about it being that day.
