Brass Monkey

Whatever I did, it was for science.

[ellie--culver]

Neighbors can either be the best thing ever or the worst. There is no in between.

[teddywheeler]

My neighbor is going through a sex change, I'm like 80% sure. He's..or she's..definitely in between.

[siriusmelanie]

I’m totally not hating, it was a legitimate compliment. You couldn’t take me if you tried, though.

[teddywheeler]

In that case, thank you. I'll be here all week. And probably for all eternity. That is a challenge and usually I would take it, but if there's even the slightest chance I may lose I know better.

[siriusmelanie]

Wow. You should write jokes for popsicle sticks.

[teddywheeler]

You better not be hating on popsicle stick jokes, they're fantastic. I will fight you on this.

[the-kelsey-alport]

I mean if it’s something you want to do I say go for it and face the consequences of what happens next.

[teddywheeler]

You want me dead, that's what I'm getting from this. Slick way too, you wouldn't get charged. My step dad's a lawyer, I know about this stuff.

[thisbe--french]

You must get this a lot then, huh?

[teddywheeler]

All the time, constantly. I have to beat the ladies off with a stick. Except not really, I ain't about that life. Battery is not okay. I'm all for woman's rights. I'm like Susan B.

[siriusmelanie]

I could listen to Woodkid all day.

[teddywheeler]

I prefer Woody the Woodpecker. He's got some sick beats. Or should I say, sick beaks.

[the-kelsey-alport]

That might work…I say go for it if you want to.

[teddywheeler]

I can't tell if this is honest support or you just want to get rid of me.

[thisbe--french]

I-uh, yeah that’s exactly what happened. I’m so sorry.

[teddywheeler]

You're not the first, nor will you be the last. It's all good in the hood.

[thisbe--french]

Oh, it is. Sorry I got distracted by something.

[teddywheeler]

Distracted by my charm and good looks right? I mean, obviously. Don't worry, babe. Happens to the best of em.

[the-kelsey-alport]

That has to suck. Well now you know so you won’t have to lose any more of them.

[teddywheeler]

Or I could keep it up, see how many I can lose and if I can survive the loss. It's like a science experiment.

[thisbe--french]

I wish I looked like Aubrey Hepburn. I’m positive she’s the most beautiful person to grace this planet.

[teddywheeler]

Whoa whoa, what? I thought her name was Audrey. Mind fuck.

[the-kelsey-alport]

Did you know that if you whip your head back and forth you lose 24 brain cells per whip?

[teddywheeler]

That explains so much. Shit. I blame Willow Smith man, I whipped my head too much, not my hair because I don't have a lot of that, and now here I am.

[ellie--culver]

I forgot I had a goldfish.

[teddywheeler]

Did he die? Do you have to flush him?

[josheatsworld]

I don’t have to play a song on the radio to throw shade at your white dumb ass, not that you would notice anyway. And y’know, if we got beef, I ain’t a vegetarian but I ain’t fucking scared of your obese santa clause ass.

[teddywheeler]

Why you gotta mention the color of my ass? Uncalled for. Always a race issue with you man, come on. People are people. We all have white skeletons, okay. Super white. Bones. Marrow. 

[josheatsworld]

How many times can I play a song on the radio before someone realizes I’m throwin’ shade at ‘em?

[teddywheeler]

I swear to god if you're throwing shade at me we're gonna have some beef bro. Like the worst kind of beef. Uncooked left in the sun for a week marinating in the sweat of an obese santa claus beef.

[idkira]

It’s Sunday night, so I’m clearly at least Kill the Lights, if not If You Seek Amy.

[teddywheeler]

If You Seek Amy, always if given the option. Or if you prefer, If You Seek A-Hugh.

[elisethatcher]

Then maybe you should just give up while you still have some dignity left.

[teddywheeler]

You see, I didn't have dignity to begin with. So this is not a problem for me. What does dignity get a man anyway? Respect? Responsibility? Ironed pants? I don't need that shit.