Buckle Up & Get Ready

This is a blog about my life. My interests. Likes. Hates. Stories. Experiences. Thoughts. Cravings. Fantasies. You name it. You’re in my world now. Call me Tee. 26. AZ;USA. Rest In Peace to my babygirl Rylee 2016-2018. ❤️

[teefighter]

You don’t know what it’s like.

You don’t know what it’s like to have the urge to pee and be scared. Scared to drop your panties, sitting at the toilet. Scared to look down and inspect for drops of blood. You don’t know how great the relief is after no blood. But worrying, until next time. You don’t know what it’s like to wonder “blood?” At every inkling of dampness in or around your lady area. You don’t know.

You can’t begin to imagine how crazy I must feel, always thinking I need to go to the ER. Always prepared for the worst. Always ready to drive myself to hear the worst news. Even willing to go back to the hospital, where I said goodbye to my sweet Rylee. You don’t know what that’s like. Obsessively thinking something will go wrong. Fearing death every single second. Scared to go to sleep because I’m afraid I won’t wake up, or I will and my baby won’t. Night time scares me. Being farther away than a 10 minute drive from an emergency room-scares me. Instills fear into my body. Sends horrible thoughts through my mind. You can’t imagine how this makes me feel. To have my loved ones, tell me “calm down” and to keep breathing and “everything is fine”. But how do they know? How can they-without a doubt-reassure me, that it won’t happen again? How? They can’t. They just. Can’t.

So please. Before you tell me I have no idea. Bitch. You have no idea.

[hullocolin-deactivated20240427]

[courtneylwilson]

[teefighter]

My wish

I wish I was dead. But I’m so scared to die.

[teefighter]

My old friend

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this or read this. I don’t know, if you did see this, if you would even care. I used it think we were inseparable, you and I. I used to think we could fight through any obstacle. Get through anything. I truly felt that. I believed it.

We went through shit. Everyone does. We both were pregnant. Shared our experiences together, good and bad. Talked and video chatted often. Daily. Our daughters were gonna be best friends. Remember that? They were gonna be like you and I. Best friends forever. I think of that. But then Rylee passed away. My little girl was gone and you had your baby. Then you had the twins. You asked me to be your baby girls godmom. Oh how happy I was. Overfilled with joy. You have no clue. None at all. I cried that night. That you asked me to be your baby girls god mom. I lied in bed and cried hard. I missed my baby so much. But I was so thankful I had you. I had a friend like you who I could always rely on. Always count on. Always have by my side. In my corner. You helped fill a small piece of my missing heart. Things were good. Things were awesome. I came to see the babies after they were born. I helped you take their 1 month pictures. Remember that? Remember how happy we were! I do. I remember all of that. Fast forward to a year later. I flew out to see you and my goddaughter. Her twin, and your oldest daughter (rylees would’ve been bestie). We had a blast. I planned to move back.

Then I came home. I met someone. Online. Didn’t mean for it to be so serious. But I let you know, If we got serious I would stay here. After all, all of my family is here. Friends, family, rylees buried here. Everywhere I’ve ever grown up (mostly) is here. So I told you that. One thing led to another and somehow we got here. We’re not friends anymore.

I remember thinking we’d never be not friends. I remember thinking we were inseparable. Feeling like the world couldn’t come between us. Somehow that happened though. Not only did “stuff” come between us. But the world did. The universe did. My existence as I knew it-came between our friendship. My new found love, came between you and I. I would never “pick a man” over my best friend. If it came down to that, hands down you’d have my heart. However, I wasn’t picking between another person and you. I was picking between my happiness and my possibility at happiness. You see-I was happy here in Arizona. I have all my family, this new man that came into my life as an angel in disguise. It was between that, and moving to South Dakota with you. South Dakota where I had the “chance” at happiness. No family there, few friends and you. I wasn’t moving there for a man. I wasn’t moving there because I grew up there or even because it was my favorite place. I was going to move there for you and solely you. But when I found this happiness-I couldn’t turn it away. I had to stay. After all I’ve been through. I had to hold onto this bit if happiness within my grasp. How could I not?

But that would be the end of us. The end of you and I. No more best friends forever. Our tattoos meant nothing more than poisoned ink in our skin, from years ago. Friendship-over. My god daughter, no longer my god daughter. My crumpled heart-now more shattered than before.

I sent you a text on September 9th that will likely be the last thing youll ever receive from me. I told you the ball was in your court. This is your choice. I admitted my faults. I apologized. I said what I meant. I said I wouldn’t spend anymore time in a one-sided friendship. I said to take a few days. I said how I felt. Apparently I said too much.

Because now over one month later, I’ve still not heard from you. It breaks my heart that the closest thing I had to another daughter was my goddaughter. But that titles been erased since our friendship ended. Since you didn’t reply. Since the world came between us.

I don’t get daily FaceTime calls. I don’t get milestone pictures. I don’t get updates, or silly faces or messy faces. I don’t get to hear her cute voice. I don’t get to tell her, that her auntie loves her. I don’t get to make matching shirts anymore for the “godparent gang”. I don’t get anything. I don’t expect to. I held that title for the time that I did and I enjoyed it so much. I loved bexley so much. I still do. I often fight myself back and forth on sending something for her. Maybe a note to you. Just a few kind words.

But I guess for now things are what they are. I can’t change the past. I can’t force you to talk to me. I can’t force you to love me. I can’t make you care. I can’t pull you back into my world. I can’t “make things right” with ice cream and a hug. I can’t. I just can’t.

So while I can’t-I’ll be here. Just here.

[teefighter]

Breathe in. Breathe out. Swipe badge. Ding. I’m clocked in now. What will tonight bring? I meet with my day aide to get report. “She passed about 40 minutes ago”. And just like that..lump in my throat. Tears welling up in my eyes and goosebumps crawl across my skin. “We knew this was coming” I tell myself. This patient has been here for months and declining since she got here. She shouldn’t even have been on our floor but she was. I took care of her last night. The nurse and I spent more time with her than any other patient because of how much care she needed.

I just passed her son as I got off the elevator. I smiled so big and asked “how we doin today?” Just like I always do. “Good, Tiffanie, how are you?”. Awesome. I replied “awesome”. I didn’t know his mom had just passed away. He still smiled at me and he still knew me by name. He still asked how I was. This is a small example of how sweet her family was to all of our staff.

I get report. I glance towards her room. Family is at the door way. Tears running down her grand daughters face. They’re all saying their goodbyes. It’s 6:30PM now and she’s been one for a little over an hour. Family is still saying goodbye.

A few minutes go by and I stop by the empty room down the hall, where staff let her family sit together. I step in and ask if they need anything or if I can get them some water. All eyes are on me and everyone is damn near in tears. I can’t help it. I choke up. Tears fill my eyes, and I tell them I’m so sorry for their loss. I try to smile and walk away as they nod that they don’t need anything.

Fast forward 7 hours later. FINALLY. “Let’s go clean her up, they’re not doing an autopsy”. The nurse looks around. She knows my situation and I already expressed I’d rather not take part in her post-Mortem care. So the rest of them go. They clean her up. Do whatever they have to do before security comes to get her to take her to the morgue for the funeral home to pick her up.

Breathe in. Breathe out. All my fellow coworkers have stopped saying her name. They’re referring to her as “the body”.

“We cleaned up and prepared the body”.

“They’re coming up to get the body”.

“The funeral home called for the body”.

The. Body.

Is this what people referred to rylee as after she was gone on that hospital table? The body.

Fuck dude. This shit is tearing me up and my night is officially emotional.

I wish i could tell her family, she wasn’t just a patient. Not just a body. I will remember her. I will say her name. I will forever pray for that family. 😔💔

[teefighter]

He was my everything at one point. He was the stars to my night, the sun to my day. He was the apple to my eye. I loved him with all I had. He gave me a child for crying out loud.

But slowly, the love started fading. I don’t know why or when I started falling out of love. But it wasn’t immediate. It was over time. Little things here and there. Catching him in a small lie one week, then finding out he cheated the next. It went downhill rather slowly, I’d say. But it did just that. Went down hill.

I sat back and I took all the cheating, name calling, accusing, yelling and screaming, degrading me. I took all that. But the second he withheld food for milk from our daughter. THAT. WAS. IT.

The final straw.

I kicked him out. Just like that. I stepped back and realized suddenly all the love I thought I had-was gone. The love was so far away I couldn’t remember when I had last loved him. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt safe or wanted in his presence.

After he left, I missed him. Looking back now I think I missed his presence. I missed the presence. Of someone. Next to me every night. I missed taking care of him, in a way. I did it for almost 2 years. It became a way of life for me. Him having no job-and me supporting and taking care of him. Bowing down to his every need. After he was gone, I missed it so much. But I knew I did the right thing.

I think I knew I did the right thing after about a month of not seeing him. During that month he asked about Rylee one time. ONE MOTHERFUCKING TIME. He asked me almost daily if I had found someone new. If I was sleeping with someone. If I was dating. Where I was. Who I was with. If I was home. If so-who all was there. He was so obsessed with what I was doing-he didn’t care to ask about his daughter. That’s when I knew-rylees father or not-I don’t want or need a man like that.

3 months after he was moved out of my place is when Rylee passed away. Then he had the audacity to act like father of the year. Claiming I never let him see her. He had 3 months to ask about her. To see her. To do something. He did jack shit. He did nothing. Absolutely NOTHING. Then for him to call me a murderer. HOW. FUCKING. DARE. HIM.

If anyone was a murderer he’d take the cake. He killed who I was many times. I never put Rylee in harms way. I never hurt her. I never was mad at her. I loved her with all my fucking heart. He didn’t know what love was. He knew how to lie. He knew deceit. He knew how to cause pain. He was the murderer.

But instead of telling him that, I let him say what he wanted. He knew I didn’t hurt her. He knew who I was. The same person he claims to have fallen in love with. Because unlike him, I didn’t change. I never put on a facade. I was me. Me was I. I didn’t change at all. If anything I matured a bit but that’s it. So he said what he wanted. But then late at night, when I knew he was alone. The texts started coming through. “I miss you....I know you didn’t hurt her”. No. Nope. NO. How the fuck.

Ugh. It’s so hard to believe and know I used to love a piece of shit like that.

[teefighter]

Read on 💕

Think what you want. Judge me, I don’t really care. But if you’re reading this, for some reason I’ve let you into my life. I’ve let you into my personal bubble. You’re in my world. You’re in my mind now. So sit back. And get ready because I hold nothing back. ❤️

ENJOY.

[syntacked]

via weheartit

[lesbiansgoal]

[teefighter]

Um fuck yes

[failchild]

we need a ship with cup holders, because we’re gonna die. so, drinks!

[teefighter]

It still doesn’t feel real sometimes. The fact that rylees gone. Like why? How? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? It’s bullshit. She was my everything. She was my all. She was my baby. My love. My reason for living. My single best thing that ever happened to me. & she was ripped out of my life. It’s not fair. I ask myself daily why.

[teefighter]

You liked even numbers. I like odd. But I changed stuff up for you. My volumes set on 22. I have down now, two pairs of shoes. I do things in pairs, so I feel close to you. Maybe a pair is better than not. Maybe 1 is a lonely number. Maybe I like odd numbers because I’m used to being alone.

I miss you, and those big brown sad eyes. I miss them looking into me. “What?” I would ask, as you looked through my soul. You didn’t need a reason, you just looked at me for me. But that faded. Like us. We faded and drifted too far apart. Now all I’m left with is a broken heart.

You were the first girl I liked. Why did this happen? With your hat flipped back, and men’s shorts on. I fell for you like a fucking moron.

[teefighter]

I walk through this house,

I drive past your old school,

My tears form a puddle-no! A pool.

I cuddle your bear & hold your shoes

I think of all you learned, Don’ts and Do’s

I loved you I did-with all of my heart

The day you died, my world crumbled apart

These aches and these pains, they come and go,

Reminding me you’re not coming home.

[teefighter]

Drowning

These tears flood my eyes,

This lump fills my throat,

I’m starting to sink, I forgot how to float.

I feel like I’m drowning with no one around,

It would almost feel better to just die and lay down.

Ill be with my baby after this life is done,

Then there’ll never be more pain to come.

I reach my hand out of the water,

Screaming for help-harder and harder,

I’m starting to sink I forgot how to swim,

I yelled for help and nobody jumped in.

Then you cake along, painting in hand,

Remaining me I don’t ever need a man.

Because you’re a woman I thought would save me,

But I was wrong-you took them gave me.

You gave me back to my hell of a life,

With no explanation but “blame my ex-wife”.

I trusted and liked you in that short time we shared,

Before you proved to be someone who really never cared.

You threw me back in the water unforgiving,

Now I’m dying, I’ve stopped swimming.

I gave up on myself like you did to me,

I’ve come to realize there’s nobody else to love me.

[teefighter]

This pain is so real. It’s so raw. I miss you baby. I miss you so much. Someone save me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live. I want my child back. 😭

[teefighter]

Because apparently plaid is a lesbian clothing choice. 🤷🏻‍♀️