Three months. That’s how long it took him to find himself. There was a part of him that would always wonder if he had made the right decision. If leaving Tegan and Lanford behind was what he needed to do to heal. Too much had happened there in the last few months, his heart weighed down by all of the decisions he had made, all of the people he had betrayed. No one more than Rafe and June, who he hated himself for constantly worrying. But that wasn’t the only name at the top of his heart, his entire being still calling out for him whenever he let himself speak. As he sat through rehab, as he detoxed for what felt like the millionth time, it was all he could think about. Tegan.
He had hurt him so much and so often he didn’t know why he still went back. When thinking back of their first, real, intimate night, the night where he gave him everything, his stomach would turn. His mind spinning as he tried to tell his therapist at the center that no, it wasn’t sexual assault. He had told him to do it multiple times, continued to act like he enjoyed it, even though all he wanted to do was cry. As he talked over the details of their relationship, the more he realized how awful Tegan had been for him. But he didn’t care. When he lied awake in the middle of the night he was all he could think about, when he woke up in the morning clinging to a pillow, when it was time for group and someone who looked slightly like him would walk by. When he showered, when he swam, when he thought of all the places his hands had touched.
Now that he was out of rehab, a three month chip to his name, it was time to move out of Lanford, back to New York, and potentially somewhere even further. His final goal was the west coast, remembering his lighter days there when he was younger. But for now, he still had a program to be a part of. They had told him not to go to clubs, not to temp yourself for something as simple as sex. But as much as he needed drugs and alcohol, he needed sex. He needed to not be alone. He would go to club after club, hooking up with boys that reminded him of him. Be it attitude or looks, it didn’t matter. If he could close his eyes and pretend he could reach down and know his name was there, if he heard his voice and thought maybe it would be him, that was enough to risk sobriety for.
He walked in to the club as he always did, not noticing the eyes noticing him, going straight to the bar to flirt with the bartender before getting a sparkling water. Just something to hold, not something he would actually drink. It was when he turned around, however, that he saw him. And Charlie wondered if something had been slipped into his drink, if he was seeing things. He ignored the advances people made when they walked toward him his eyes focused on one person and one person alone, moving through the crowds of people until he finally reached him. He had put his drink down at a table on the way, suddenly not worried about having filled hands. “Tegan?” He asked, looking down at him the way he had always had, reaching his hand up to his cheek to feel the familiar softness of his skin. “Is this real?”
When Tegan initially woke up - not feeling the always comforting embrace of his boyfriend’s hands firmly holding onto his ass as they slept, the last thing on his mind was that he was essentially being broken up with. Instead turning around in the sheets to find a letter stating he was leaving. Of course it was for good reason. Tegan had this special way to ruin everything he touched. To take all the achievements he was lucky enough to be granted with and just toss them away. Throw it all away to cover up the fact that he is so lonely and insecure underneath it all.
When it came to his drug use, it was as if he was the best version of himself when he was flying high. Even now, a full month into sobriety - he was still positive that this wasn’t the best he could he be. Not when those dark thoughts still had room to roam around in his head. When he couldn’t help but feel lost with his life. Like without his sport, he had no reason for breathing. But all of those damaging ideals left the moment he thought about snuggling up with Charlie. Getting the chance to be with the only person who made him feel worth a damn. He couldn’t risk to lose him again.
After moving back home, there was a brief trial period between his intervention and detox. He fought with all his power to just cut the pills. Then try drinking - but not getting fully wasted. But none of it worked. Still depressed and torn up over losing Charlie, the one drink rule turned to seven drinks and a bathroom stall hookup real fast. But even going back to his party lifestyle. Free to be the douchebag he was before meeting Charlie, it weighed on him. It wasn’t enough. The sex especially feeling so trivial when it wasn’t with the one he loved. But just like all his other vices, it was really hard to go cold turkey. If he was going to get clean, he needed someone to share his bed to just remind him what if felt like to actually feel alive. So he called up his old drinking buddies - most of them grown up and even sober now. But Tegan was hard to resist. It didn’t take too many texts before he had his old hookup list up and running on his phone again.
But even with his needs met, Tegan still wasn’t satisfied. Not without Charlie. He wasn’t at this club, sipping from a soda to get laid. Well at least not with a stranger. He was here to maybe track down his love. And after a few scans of the room - he saw him. It was if the club turned on some sappy 80′s romance song, and the whole room slowed down as soon he got to see his face again. Fuck, he had forgot what it felt to actually be this close to him. Especially when he moved even closer, Tegan speechless at the beauty of him. It was a very good question. None of this felt real. Tegan sure he had some dreams back home that started just like this. “ In the flesh.” He quipped back, still at a loss for words. All he wanted to do was kiss him. To feel his soft lips one more time. His cheeks flushed at his touch, a hand going up to rest on top of the one of his face. “I - I tracked you down. I needed to see you again. I ne - needed to tell you that i’m clean. For real this time.”