Gimme your pain and loneliness

❝ — You tell me you want to stay & you wanna watch me change. But I’m scared so I tell you to fuck off

[teganwtf]

tomboiwrites‌:

“Tegan, you didn’t stuff them down my throat. You can’t take responsibility for my bad decisions,” he says, though it’s muffled through the sound of the club behind them. He can feel himself overwhelmed with emotion, his entire body wanting nothing but closeness with Tegan. Something, it seemed, would never fade. He nods at his question, then takes his hand in his, leading him through the crowd and walking down the street to his apartment. It was the penthouse, of course it was, nothing but the best from his parents. When they walked, when they were in the elevator, when they were in the apartment itself, Charlie couldn’t help but look at Tegan the entire time. Part of him not fully believing that he was really there, that he had come back to him. He led him to the couch in the livingroom, which overlooked a giant window overlooking the skyline, and sat down there with him. He didn’t let go of his hand, his body as close to Tegan as it could get without it being uncomfortable. “Okay,” he said, his voice low. “Let’s talk.” 

“Well it pretty close to that.” He admitted, remembering the crowded club just like this, when things got out of hand. When everything fell apart, and Tegan ended up breaking Charlie’s sobriety for nothing but hormone filled selfish reasons. He, not giving Charlie much of a choice if he wanted to stay with him and his chronically influenced state. He wanted to say he loved him again. Wanted to remind him that he never stopped thinking about him. Not when he was getting sober. Or when he was searching the streets of New York. But instead the words seemed to get caught in his throat. Too afraid to let the regret of throwing all that love away fester in it’s place. Gripping his hand tightly, he followed him through the club and back to his place. 

The luxury of the building wasn’t a surprise at all. It was a really nice place in town after all. And Charlie’s parents weren’t one to let their wealth not be known. He stayed, clutching his hand, looking up at him in utter awe. His teeth digging into his bottom lip as he tried to muster up the courage to get closer to him.  

Once he got to the couch, he crossed his legs underneath him, staying faced with Charlie and remaining to clutch his hand, if for any reason, than for moral support. “I - I just want to start over. I want to be better. For you. For us. You know ??” He could feel the marks forming on his lip from the immense pressure. All ways to hold back from caving in. “You’re the only person I’ve - Have had feelings for. And I can’t lose you again.”

[teganwtf]

tomboiwrites‌:

There were tears welling up in his eyes, from a promise left unfinished. One that played over and over again in his mind within the last few months. One where he had told Tegan he would never leave him. But he knew, even as he walked out that door, that he had never really left him. That his heart had always been, and would always be with him, where he could do with it as he pleased. His hands explored his body again, remembering every curve, as his palm moved up and down his back, his other hand fixed on his lower stomach, keeping him as close as possible, even when he pulled away. His apology ran down his spine, his cheeks flushed pink with emotion, his eyes filled with gentleness and love. A look only Tegan had ever seen on him. He brought his hand to his cheek, running his thumb along the softness of the skin there, and sighed at the familiar feeling of closeness with him. “I forgive you,” he says, knowing that Tegan didn’t have to say sorry, but recognizing the guilt in his heart anyway. “I forgive you, love,” he says, leaning in to kiss him one more time, as if to close off his words. He presses his forehead to his, intertwining his fingers in his hair as he closed his eyes. “I missed you so much.” 

There was no fight left in Tegan. He could blame it on his current sobriety all he wanted. But the truth was, he was just weak anytime Charlie was around. His whole body going soft to the touch of his embrace. And when his hands found his back, sliding it’s way up his tattered jacket, he just broke down. The tears spilled down his flushed cheeks and he pulled himself up for one more kiss, taking in his scent, the height difference, just everything there was to admire about the boy in front of him.

"Thanks.” He muttered against his lips before once again falling back down, burying his face in his chest right away. “But how can you forgive me ?? You were sober...You were doing so well and I fucked it all up. I always fuck everything up.” His words swelled more and more. Tegan still not used to the way his body, stripped of it’s chemicals, reacted to an influx of emotion. He pulled on the hem of his shirt, taking the opportunity to look up at him through clouded eyes. Still beautiful. Of Course. “Can we - Can we go somewhere...” He licked at his bottom lip, hating the way it was quivering under his words. “Just to talk.”

[teganwtf]

tomboiwrites‌:

When Charlie left Tegan, it was the hardest decision he had ever made. He didn’t remember a lot of details from those days, but he remembered that morning clearly. The sun coming in through the window, the way it hit Tegan’s back, his scar, casting a shadow on the part of his face that could have possibly been bothered by it. He clung to him like he always did, and Charlie felt warmth in his heart like he always did. But that morning, that morning was different. He felt empty, a shadow of himself. He had given him everything and more, and he was completely sucked dry. So, he got out of bed, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from his notebook, and scribbled a note. 

Tegan, 

I have to be okay again. We have to be okay again. You need help, and so do I, and we can’t get it from each other. I hope our paths meet again when we’re both healthier, when we both don’t feel so empty. I meant when I said I love you, but I can’t keep living like this. I have to go. I love you. Please get well, please call your family. Don’t die on me, love. 

I’ll see you when we’re whole, 

Charlie

He left the note beside him on the bed, kissed his forehead goodbye, and was out of the door in a matter of minutes. He was still high, and he couldn’t remember anything else about how he ended up at the rehab center. Or anything about the early days. 

But now, here he was. And the second he heard his voice, the second he spoke, he knew this wasn’t a dream. Because he had already started to forget what it sounded like. He didn’t let him finish his sentence, his heart about to jump out of his chest, his eyes lit up with what looked like the beginning of tears. He pulled him in to kiss him. One final test to see if this was really happening. And he realized, then, it was, and it only made the kiss deeper, everything around them completely blurring out. 

Actually seeing him. Feeling him move closer to him, Tegan was nearly overwhelmed with ease. It wasn’t some fever dream. It was the one person he could ever imagine loving standing right there in front of him. Then kissing him. It was like instinct. The way he melted into to the touch and pushed his body up against his frame.  He wrapped his arms around his shoulders, not wanting him to pull away - even to breathe. He needed to feel him, as much of him as he could in this very public setting. He missed the warmth of his skin, the gentle nature of his lips moving against his. It felt like complete safety. The sense alone causing Tegan’s eyes to well up.

After reading the poetry that was the note left on his pillow, Tegan started to feel that maybe he would never be whole, like he wanted. That he wasn’t meant for sobriety. That he wasn’t meant for Charlie. He feared he might never be good enough in his eyes. Even now he was worried that if they had any sort of future past this incredible reunion, Tegan would just find some other way to hurt or disappoint Charlie. He knew, even sober, that he - never in a million years deserved someone as special as him. 

But when he was huddled up in his old, childhood home.  His parents taking turns holding his back while he was sick or rubbing his aching back until he inevitably passed out of exhaustion. He knew that the only way he was going to get through any of this, would be if Charlie was the gleaming light of hope at the end of the tunnel. He dreamed every night about this moment. And it surpassed anything his fevered mind could think up.

After his lungs were begging for air, he let his feet fall flat down to the ground, his smile breaking up the kiss as he pulled back just enough to speak to him. “I’m so sorry.”

[teganwtf]

tomboiwrites‌:

[ 001; A False Promise ] 

Three months. That’s how long it took him to find himself. There was a part of him that would always wonder if he had made the right decision. If leaving Tegan and Lanford behind was what he needed to do to heal. Too much had happened there in the last few months, his heart weighed down by all of the decisions he had made, all of the people he had betrayed. No one more than Rafe and June, who he hated himself for constantly worrying. But that wasn’t the only name at the top of his heart, his entire being still calling out for him whenever he let himself speak. As he sat through rehab, as he detoxed for what felt like the millionth time, it was all he could think about. Tegan. 

He had hurt him so much and so often he didn’t know why he still went back. When thinking back of their first, real, intimate night, the night where he gave him everything, his stomach would turn. His mind spinning as he tried to tell his therapist at the center that no, it wasn’t sexual assault. He had told him to do it multiple times, continued to act like he enjoyed it, even though all he wanted to do was cry. As he talked over the details of their relationship, the more he realized how awful Tegan had been for him. But he didn’t care. When he lied awake in the middle of the night he was all he could think about, when he woke up in the morning clinging to a pillow, when it was time for group and someone who looked slightly like him would walk by. When he showered, when he swam, when he thought of all the places his hands had touched. 

Now that he was out of rehab, a three month chip to his name, it was time to move out of Lanford, back to New York,  and potentially somewhere even further. His final goal was the west coast, remembering his lighter days there when he was younger. But for now, he still had a program to be a part of. They had told him not to go to clubs, not to temp yourself for something as simple as sex. But as much as he needed drugs and alcohol, he needed sex. He needed to not be alone. He would go to club after club, hooking up with boys that reminded him of him. Be it attitude or looks, it didn’t matter. If he could close his eyes and pretend he could reach down and know his name was there, if he heard his voice and thought maybe it would be him, that was enough to risk sobriety for. 

He walked in to the club as he always did, not noticing the eyes noticing him,  going straight to the bar to flirt with the bartender before getting a sparkling water. Just something to hold, not something he would actually drink. It was when he turned around, however, that he saw him.  And Charlie wondered if something had been slipped into his drink, if he was seeing things. He ignored the advances people made when they walked toward him his eyes focused on one person and one person alone, moving through the crowds of people until he finally reached him. He had put his drink down at a table on the way, suddenly not worried about having filled hands. “Tegan?” He asked, looking down at him the way he had always had, reaching his hand up to his cheek to feel the familiar softness of his skin. “Is this real?”

When Tegan initially woke up - not feeling the always comforting embrace of his boyfriend’s hands firmly holding onto his ass as they slept, the last thing on his mind was that he was essentially being broken up with. Instead turning around in the sheets to find a letter stating he was leaving. Of course it was for good reason. Tegan had this special way to ruin everything he touched. To take all the achievements he was lucky enough to be granted with and just toss them away. Throw it all away to cover up the fact that he is so lonely and insecure underneath it all. 

When it came to his drug use, it was as if he was the best version of himself when he was flying high. Even now, a full month into sobriety - he was still positive that this wasn’t the best he could he be. Not when those dark thoughts still had room to roam around in his head. When he couldn’t help but feel lost with his life. Like without his sport, he had no reason for breathing. But all of those damaging ideals left the moment he thought about snuggling up with Charlie. Getting the chance to be with the only person who made him feel worth a damn. He couldn’t risk to lose him again.

After moving back home, there was a brief trial period between his intervention and detox. He fought with all his power to just cut the pills. Then try drinking - but not getting fully wasted. But none of it worked. Still depressed and torn up over losing Charlie, the one drink rule turned to seven drinks and a bathroom stall hookup real fast. But even going back to his party lifestyle. Free to be the douchebag he was before meeting Charlie, it weighed on him. It wasn’t enough. The sex especially feeling so trivial when it wasn’t with the one he loved. But just like all his other vices, it was really hard to go cold turkey. If he was going to get clean, he needed someone to share his bed to just remind him what if felt like to actually feel alive. So he called up his old drinking buddies - most of them grown up and even sober now. But Tegan was hard to resist. It didn’t take too many texts before he had his old hookup list up and running on his phone again.

But even with his needs met, Tegan still wasn’t satisfied. Not without Charlie. He wasn’t at this club, sipping from a soda to get laid. Well at least not with a stranger. He was here to maybe track down his love. And after a few scans of the room - he saw him. It was if the club turned on some sappy 80′s romance song, and the whole room slowed down as soon he got to see his face again. Fuck, he had forgot what it felt to actually be this close to him. Especially when he moved even closer, Tegan speechless at the beauty of him. It was a very good question. None of this felt real. Tegan sure he had some dreams back home that started just like this. “ In the flesh.” He quipped back, still at a loss for words. All he wanted to do was kiss him. To feel his soft lips one more time. His cheeks flushed at his touch, a hand going up to rest on top of the one of his face. “I - I tracked you down. I needed to see you again. I ne - needed to tell you that i’m clean. For real this time.”

[teganwtf]

[ 001; A False Promise ] 

@tomboiwrites

It had been a little over a month since Tegan had last seen Charlie. A majority of that time, Tegan stuck completely sober. After waking up to nothing but a note pointing out all the flaws in their relationship. The main standout being the addiction that had only been getting worse and more toxic by the day. Tegan didn’t have much of a choice. He had to get clean. If not to prevent himself from overdosing, then to win back the love of his life. Because the more he thought about it. The more he had convinced himself that no one would ever be able to love Tegan like Charlie did. Not when he made a fact to destroy every human quality that surfaced.

It started with a call to his parents. He couldn’t open up about the harsh truth of his addiction over the phone, so he had to buy a ticket and fly back across the pond. He was met there with the single hardest conversation he ever had to sit through. He thought all his fight’s with Charlie were hard. This was eons more difficult. At first Alice, Tegan’s mom, was convinced this was all some sick, twisted joke. A false smile on her features the whole time while she shoved Tegan and continuously told him to knock it off. Once it dawned on her and her husband that Tegan was completely serious, everything seemed to fall apart. There were floods of tears shed. The whole Hilford family clutching to one another - each trying to think of the right way to react to the terrible news. 

After it seemed the taps on their waterlines dried out, the serious topic of action hit. Tegan was adamant about not going to rehab. Still terrified to label himself as someone with that serious of a problem. So Tegan’s parents decided to let his Lanford lease run out and let him detox at home, in the same bedroom he spent all his childhood years. Plenty more tears would come. As he went through withdrawal all alone - huddled up on his bathroom floor and getting sick every other hour. He craved Charlie’s affection more than anything during these days. He needed him in this dire time. Sometimes when he was able to clean himself up to his best ability, he’d text a photo over - a not so subtle hint that he still thought about Charlie every waking minute. A majority of the texts coming after catching a glimpse of the black heart outline on his ass, Charle’s beautiful named penned in the middle. It might of been a drunken mistake to get the ink, but Tegan loved his tattoo. It was all he had of Charlie left.

Once he received his one month chip from not only NA, but AA as well, Tegan knew a couple of butt snaps weren’t enough to prove to Charlie that he was better. That he was finally ready to grow up and stand by his boyfriend’s side. He convinced his parents to let him fly back to America unsupervised. Unsure what rated activities they would get into once they were reunited. He went back to Lanford, only to see a for rent sign at his place. Lost and desperate, he dug down deep, tracked Rafe down and begged for some info on Charlie. This was when he found out Charlie had went to rehab. A terrible sinking feeling filling his stomach at the words. Rafe eventually caved and told him he had moved back to the city.

After hearing the damage he did to Charlie. Tegan was beginning to think that maybe the right thing to do would be to just let Charlie live. He was safer away from Tegan. Safe from the toxic cloud of fucking up that seemed to follow the boy around. But without Charlie, his sobriety was the only thing he had. And after a month, he knew it just wasn’t enough. He didn’t care if it was selfish. He needed to see Charlie again. He had to tell him he was clean. Show him he could be better. At least for the time being - before his brain finds another way to stir the pot of their relationship.

He figured out through a lot of instagram stalking, that Charlie could possibly be at a few clubs around the area Rafe had told him he had moved into. So now three nights in a row, he was getting all dressed up to go to a club. Not to hook up with some stranger. Not to get high and dance topless on the bar like he’d done in the past. But to go just to seek the love of his life and win him back.