I am giving this blog thing an effortful try...conducting science to see if I can consistently write. I'll also make words in OneNote and Paper, so I'll feel less defeated when I miss posts later.
Well...a synapse is space between two nerve cells. They're tasked to deliver sensory wisdom up and into the brain's nervous system. The thoughts transcribed to posts on this site are those that I've dropped somewhere while in flight. I intend to log these fading memories and dedicate time to saving reveries.
This experiment will be meaningful for me. I hope I stick with it....guess in time, we'll all see.
I hope you enjoy!
Legend of Time & Date Color Meanings:
Good days are nice, so they mean green text.
Mellow days are yellow and were kind of complex.
Purples feel forgettable.
Reds for reprehensible.
Oranges were full of frustrated self-loathing.
Blues were for days with immense melancholy.
Pinks express positively euphoric elation.
Default is standard for logging synapse regulations.
I want to do this again. So much has happened since then.
I'm just not confident about sharing the what I have to share for fear of fears of a reasonable variety.
*sigh*
-09:25p
10:01p -
I've been creating an animated krita file. It's not very much at all, I'm not going about the learning process effectively, efficiently, in any sort of time-meaningful capacity in any way atol. For example, I do not know how to draw. I do not have a basic understanding of drawing fundamentals. I just...started animating. I've decided to call it Moving Forward, Beyond Green Eyes. I didn't really set out with a story in mind, or an idea of what I wanted to animate. But I knew I wanted to animate, so....this is what I have to share after spending a lil over a month, maybe, figuring out how to get started.
I also exported it as a GIF:
I have words that I'd like to pair with it....well...originally, that was the intention. I'm not sure if I want to associate a visualization to that event.
I also haven't decided where I'm going with it....beyond the ending Birb frame, Birb runs off, Character follows, Tree appears, Bird flaps up to tree branch.
Character nods head, waves both hands, is walking, stops, looks, and throws up PEACE sign at bird.
Bird lands facing backwards, turns head to look.
Since I"m calling it Moving Forward, I do not think I will go back to add colors to the new frames I added when correcting the walking frames. I want to correct and continue the remaining what's done, and I think I will pan up the tree and draw bird.
Leaving character on the ground? Mebbe...
I also don't know if I want to narrate. Well, I don't want to narrate, I don't want to put audio words on it - not in my own voice anyway.
I could create a grabage fake voice and apologize for it? mebbe...cuz it'd be bad.
I've consider putting the words in captions, and finding or making an audio to go with it?
Uhm....soooo 176 days since I typed out a post for the blog. Coooooolll.....I made my way back...eventually? Let us see how long I stick around this time. I would like to try my best to make something somewhat consistent.
We'll see...
I revived my iPod Mini today. I took a picture of my desk and thought it looked neat, so that's kind of what brought me back here...Here's the picture:
Things I see:
Apple iPod Mini
Left Nintendo Switch Joycon
Nintendo 3DS XL
Laptop
USB Extender adaptor thingie
Cup of Pens
Digital Pen for computer graphic drawing doodles
Christmas lights plug
My Cup!
4 stickers of my art
Hollow Knight stickers from amazon
The desk mat
the hdmi splitter button
Warm ikea lamp
Monitor stand!
Okay...thats enough of the things I see in the picture. I like the idea of using the iPod mini again. I wore it on the walk to 7/11 and it worked out really nicely clipped to my shirt and holding the bag in place....I didn't have to fiddle with it at all!! The one thing I may try to investigate to replace for improvement is the headphone/earbud situation. These hot pink jlab beauties were on clearance for eight fiddy at the local wal greens. The bass is distorted but the noise isolation is nice.
Now I am curious as to whether there is a bluetooth adaptor that I can connect my earbuds to then plug the 3.5mm into the ipod to play through it....
That's what I'll look up next. I'll come back in a bit maybe.
-10:05p
10:25p -
Well...that was fun. I didn't look that up yet but I did want to come back and write a bit about my day...so maybe I'll try to do that?
I washed the dishes. I did a driveby someones house to pick up free chairs from their front lawn. I panicked and drove away....then came home and re-arranged my music files and revived the iPod. I collected Behb from work we'd made plans to go to the state park again....by the time we left the house we would've gotten there at 4 and the park closes at 5:30.....traffic was very bad because of all the holiday events. They had every turn around closed so I essentially just spent 30ish minutes driving around what normally should be a 5 minute square. I was very annoyed.
When we got home I boiled two eggs, fucked up peeling one of them and just threw it away. Then Behb suggested an idea for an activity...popcorn and movie night! He didn't think we had popcorn, I told him there was some in the pantry....it was too expired to eat so we walked down to the gas station and bought a bag to pop deciding along the way that we'd watch Die Hard....cuz...christmas movie - holiday festivities and what not.
I strung up lights last night! First I stuck the command strips to the glass on the window and they didn't stay....then I stuck them to the wall and clipped one of the three wires in there and they haven't fallen down yet! I also strung some over the picture and hung up the two christmas arts his family gave us last year...those combined with the christmas tree wax warmer and we're officially festive!
But newai....
When we returned home, we learned that Die Hard isn't streaming on any of the streamy services we have, and we didn't want to pay $3.99 to rent it once.....so I started scrolling....and suggested: Scooby Doo Movie (2002ish) or Jumanji (1995 w/ Robin Williams).
Behb popped the corn, brought a beer, and picked Jumanji. Turns out....ITSA CHRISTMAS MOVIE TOO! At least...Christmas was in it....so...that counts. I honestly don't think I'd seen it before...but it was a good watch and I was entertained so I'm glad it worked out.
Tomorrow is Behbiversary! It will be 4 years since we swiped n started conversing. I am glad we are progressioning together. I'm going to look for strawberries and chocolates for us to make after he's off tomorrow. He got me roses ^_^. Okay...gonna go click around...I think I'll be back soon...I think I want to add some more...but a break now would be nice. So...ye...brb
-10:34p
10:35p-
You know...I just thought...I can probably use the 3.5mm aux cord to plug the Mini into the JBL Flip....then I get iPod muzik on loud speaker....that will be a tomorrow try...I do want to get up for my earbuds now though....IDK, it just seems silly using it in the apt.
10:45p-
I got my earbuds! and found sum muzik:
I think I'll get some screenshots off the switch to post up here. I think I decided I don't want to put pictures in this post...but I"ll work on organizing them to post separately like I did before....but...ye...this seems long enough...so...I'm gonna post it now.
O...hai...so uh...remember the last time I was here and I was like "oh tomorrow is day 30..i've been doing such a good job...bla bla bla" then proceeded to essentially just fall off the face of the planet...
yeah...I'm good for that. I seem to be pretty good at consistently self-sabotaging when it comes to sticking with personal goals that I set for myself and seeing them through. When I set out to do this little science experiment, I also told me that I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I fell off the map a few times. So...I s'pose I'll be done harping on about not sticking with the routine and do my best to pick up and do better moving forward.
So..since there are a this many number of days that have gone by, I think I'll try to recap as I'm able...seems like a reasonable way to churn out some words. Let's give it a try shall we...
Day 30, Sun 05/28: Dropped Behb off at work then headed down to le mart of wal's to secure food for the afternoon bbq for 2. I did a pit stop in the section of wearable cloth and also picked up an appropriately festive shirt for eight bones. Now i officially have an America Holiday red n white shirt so woo July 4th attire is all set! Made it to friends and had a lovely time enjoying her company. We chit-chat at the table while the brats and asparagus were gettin' good on the grill and we were all wrapped up and parted ways right around 3p as Behb was getting home from work. Can't recall what was done with the remainder of the day, but I am thankful the highlight was good. It's not often I get to hang out in physical realm in the company of a friend these daze.
Day 31, Mon 05/29: Memorial day holiday was spent hiking in the natures with Behb. His brother tagged along and I drove us out to a new conservation park that none of us had visited before. It was called Three Creeks something or other, and lemme tell you....I was very unimpressed with all the no creeks that we saw after getting out there. I was, however, quite impressed with the walking tour that I listened to as we made our way along the trail. It seems the County has invested in an app that is available for free to download and has several of the area's conservation and nature parks listed within it. Each place has a walking tour that is associated with a stop along the trail and the talking lady auto-played and gave facts about the location, the ecosystem, and the conservation efforts along the way. I thoroughly enjoyed it and am looking forward to adventuring to some of the other places to listen to them all! I was a right pretty puddle by the time we made it back home but definitely enjoyed the day and will upload some pictures following all these words.
Day 32, Tue 05/30: Return to work was lackluster at best. I muddled through then headed out to the weekly Support group meeting. It was nice, again, and am very glad I found it and decided to go. I talked about some of the BS things that have felt fairly overwhelming and it felt good to provide commentary on various situations some of the others had dealt with during the past week.
Day 33, Wed 05/31: More work today, some meetings sprinkled throughout the day but mostly what I remember was dinner! We had fancy soup in bread bowls again and it was very very delicious! He's really amazing at making tasty foods and I appreciate that I have the luxury of not having to worry so much about remembering to feed myself...he does a pretty good job of making sure we get dinner, and it's usually always pretty tasty too!
Day 34, Thu 06/01: More work again and more memories that didn't really stick with me long enough to recall now that such time has passed. I do remember it was the day I was supposed to start using the timeclock...and I totally forgot to actually clock in when that started...so...that was obnoxious. Outside of that though, I mostly think I was thankful for the PTO time and the extra extra short week because of it.
Day 35, Fri 06/02: Spent waaaaaay too much time Stardewing the Valley. I'd told myself I'd be diligent and work on my resume..at the very least make it current. I did not even turn the computer on.
Day 36, Sat 06/03: Behb and I went for an adventure to a lil Toy and Comic expo out in Wesley Chapel. It was pretty small, only $5 entry, but there were still many people and lots of sensory as we entered and wandered around. We wore the matching yu yu hakusho shirts and I feel like I did a good job not getting overwhelmed by all the stimulation overload. We got a cupcake, that wasn't too bad, and a neat old school Pokedex to give to our friend who moved out of state last year. One day we'll actually get to the post office and mail it...maybe...
Day 37, Sun 06/04: Sunday we went on a big adventure to secure new housing for Mary Shelley -- she basically outgrew the little house she sleeps in and we wanted to find a nice upgrade for her. Turns out finding suitable reptile hides is kinda hard because most are smol for lizards n snakes not necessarily for larger growing tortoise girls. We went to a new place first and looked around before moving on and heading over to a store we'd been to before. We lucked out because not only did we find a good replacement house, but we also got a log and some of the tortoise pellets to supplement her diet! We set it up when we got home and she went straight into the log and started making happy leg dance moves!!!! She chilled out there for a bit before venturing into the house and burrowing in for the night. I hope she appreciates being able to actually fit thru the entry and have space to move around in her upgrade now. I can't believe how fast she's growing! Hopefully this one lasts for a little while...fingers crossed of course.
Day 38, Mon 06/05: Monday was a beach day! We adventured out to a new place, just he and I this time, and after realizing I'd driven 30 minutes in the wrong direction.....headed another 30 minutes in the correct direction and eventually we made it to our destination and took the ferry over to Caladesi Island! NGL, the ride there was not very fun at all because it started to rain and it was cold and I was not feeling it at all. By the time we arrived, it stopped raining though, the sun came out, and aside from the onslaught of mosquitos we had to walk thru, the beach itself wasn't too bad. It's def more of a natural Florida beach, not like the usual man-made dredged up tourist attractions we frequent. The water was cold, probably because of the rain, and I think if we go back, I'd def be more interested in hiking around the park instead of sitting by the beach...if that happens it'll definitely be in a long sleeve shirt or maybe during winter when all the bugs are dead again....i have bites and itchies everywhare!
Day 39, Tue 06/06: Returned to work and had a really really hard time mustering the motivation to be productive. I pulled through and finished the day but considering all the baggage that I'm purposefully trying not to spew all over the internets, i've acknowledged that I need to figure out what my game plan is going to be if I want to suck it up and deal with it or do what I need to do to start looking elsewhere. Til I do that though, I'll try to enjoy what I can and learn everything I can while I'm doing it. Went to Support meet up again (I think this was meeting number 3?) so proud of me for keeping up that streak....maybe next time I'll actually remember to bring cash to put in the basket!
Today: I skipped a lot of stuff in there but it's also been like an hour and I gotta go run an errand so I want to wrap this up and finish it before I'm done. Hopefully I'll come back and put the pictures up later. I really do want them up so I gotta make sure I actually do it. Therapy is on Thursday, looking forward to it I think...hermitting in the valley has been pretty consuming and that combined with all the no communication and hobby avoidance (e.g., writing activities) I've been doing is pretty strong indicators that sad brain status is back and active again....s'pose I'll bring it up with her and see what happens next.
At the very least...I did the post for today which officially breaks the streak of no posts...so...yea...it does help. I just gotta keep telling myself to sit down and be diligent about getting it done. Ah well....
Today was chock full of good tunes and good wavelengths. I spent a great portion of the day horizontal on the couch, farming in the Valley, and e joying the music. Genres ranged everywhere from Song of the day:
To the energetic "well I wasn't expecting that".:
Round about the time Behb was getting off I'd finally gathered enough energies for a bit of productivity, but what I thought would only be me congratulating myself for hanging up the shirts finally.... Turned out to be a full on laundry list of chores completed! Including retuning tjr clothes to their home... The catbox got cleaned, dishes were washed, TV table (and TV) were dusted and wiped down and I cleared the space in front of it so it's not quite so 😬 everytime I glance over at it, fed myself, showered, hooked the lava lamp up to the final smart plug, babysat Sampson, and even cleaned out a couple doom boxes!
We delayed shopping until tomorrow in favor of his brother coming to hang out. We're all caught up on that unicorn show... I can't for the life of me remember what it's called but it's good, it's on Max,Rainbow Unicorn something or other...
I mostly just farmed away while they played Cod..
oo! Tawd Dammit is live! He always plays excellent stuff...
Bit nnewai... Ye... Shopping tomorrow x2 as I've been invited to a BBQ! it'll be a party of two, and I'm 100% perfectly okay with that. I'm responsible for bringing the main course! Those fat sausage bratwursts (hey I remembered!) and buns! Then we will grill them and serve with sides of Mac n cheese n baked beans! For this, I am excited! I spose this also means I shouldn't stay up til beyond past bedtime two nights in a row then.
Kinda why I started the post so early ;) The streak lives! I think there getting easier to do... More fluid, less mechanical.... I have somewhat of a rhythm and not too much anxiety hindering the actions needed to see it through. I won't put too much pressure on myself, but coming up on a month sinc ei started it...and I'm still doing it.... So... That's gotta count for sumthin.... Right?
Newai, Gonna go vibe to Tawd and see how long it takes my pond to finish getting built...
Catch ya later!
-11:50p
P. S. I hate proofing on my phone... So... Hopefully the typos weren't too painful 💛💛
I'll call today green mostly because I don't have much reason to not... I suppose it could be a purple day.... Ye... I'll change it to purple.
I wanted to make the post so as not to break the streak. I picked up and started playing Stardew again... Gonna actually give it a try this time.... It has my attention for now. I'll be on cooldoen from the colosseum of hollow knight for a bit.
I talked to Lady on the phone today, we visited Behb's family for a few hours after work and just been hanging out vibin in my farm on the couch since we got home.
07:45p - I was writing in the journal, then decided I'd rather spend the writing time making the post today. Maybe it's reasonable that in the span of time it took to pick up the keyboard with my left hand, transfer it to my right hand, place it down on the table, open edge, click the bookmark, find the drafted post, check the time, and begin typing....I happened to forget whatever it was I wanted to write about that facilitated switching from the paper journal to the Tumblr Post in the first place....
*sigh*
It is 11 minutes until the orange bois get fed....Both are sitting, staring, conveying clear as crystalline their most immediate desire....to have the next refill of crunchies in the bowl. :sigh:
I will have to factor in Cat Food. Zulian is at the bedroom door but he turned around and meandered back over to sit by the door and clean his feet...Nugget knocked over the blue chair...
Oki...the music is selected and I keep gettin' heckin' sidetracked to dance along to it....currently em listening to:
lovely piano and horn and drums and togetherness.
OH!!
ohohohohoho I remember the thing I wanted to write!! Lookit me...gettin' around to the point this many words in..uhm, still not time to feed the cats though. That's 5 minutes...so maybe I type for 04 minutes, feed the boys then figure out what I feel like doing next...something I know, something new?
OPTIONS FOR THIS EVENINGS LEISURE ACTIVITY!
Debate whether enough non-leisure activities have been completed before the time for bed comes. Friday is tomorrow then the no work time! Tomorrow i have 4 minimum self-assigned tasks to focus on. After they are completed, some random ideas for next steps:
a. Review Slack for answered questions, organize, attach to articles as solutions to questions after publishing, queue article content update section.
It is time to feed the orange bois!
-08:00p
08:01 - I wanted to pick a color to associate with the time, day, date, log regulation ID. But then...I didn't want to pick one yet. So I thought Black/White (default depending on appearance theme field setting) is sufficient for when I haven't decided, or don't feel like deciding, or simply may feel like I'd rather not associate a color with it yet.
(yay preposition!)
Newai....I really like what I'm listening to!
We've made it to:
So the other day I posted a question in the Write the Docs Slack, and now I've been given the opportunity to read articles about image description composition...there are three four articles. I would like to read them.
Problem is I also have WOF to read, and the clock on that one is ticking...
The holds for the octopus book and a third one I forgot what it was are ready to be checked out as well....so what's that? Three (3) books & two (4) articles.l So yeah....I'll go fiddle with that and come back here when I'm ready :) Hopefully before midnight! Maybe I'll be ready to pick a color by then?
-08:13p
09:34p -
I didn't read any of the things yet, but I have a plan for how I think I want to go about tackling things. Also...I've decided today was a yellow day. I'm going to bed early, to wake up early, to get through Friday and on with the holiday weekend.
I have the capacity to be a good girl.
Catch ya later!
-09:35p
P.S. If you didn't catch it in the pinned post, I have colors associated with how I feel my day went...I think I want to use them to try and track my mood for either the day or for how I feel at the time I start the post...maybe both?...either way, seems like it could be a reasonable way to feed two birds with one french fry
Today is an orange day. Not necessarily because the day was borderline bad, but moreso because I personally did not do a good job managing my hyper-fixation on completing work. I started at 8, like normal, and signed off at 7p. I mentioned to Behb just before bed that I've been forgetting to take the sad brain pills in the afternoon, then asked if he noticed me exhibiting any sad brain symptoms as of late. I wasn't really prepared for his answer...but he's also not wrong...He said no, not sad brain symptoms, which is good, just that I've been working too much. Like I could've gotten off 2 hours earlier today but I just kept on keeping on 'til I finished my own self-assigned task.
I feel especially crumby about it now because he was off work today. Yea, I made progress on the thing, but at what cost? A couple hours to do whatever I wanted with him, I guess. Yeah...I'll have to do better about that. I'd much rather do a whole lot of nothing with him than waste more time trying to meet unreasonable self-imposed KPI's and checkpoints. If work's not going to define a career path and metrics to measure my performance...I really should be better about being more lenient on myself about it too.
I suppose as punishment for this heinous transgression, I could order me to update the resume or resume the tech writing cert course or put together a better portfolio of content or peruse some job boards or maybe the best punishment will be to force me to not even think about professional stuffs for some defined period of time because Brain def spends more time running those thoughts in the background. It really does get exhausting.
So....enough about work I guess...moving on...
Behb made a heckin' tasty fish for dinner! We paired it with pasta and I was very full by the time I finished stuffing my face...but I did not take a nap today!! Probably because I spent nap time working -.-
okay okay...actually moving on now...
Uhm..let's see? Not much else to re-cap on for the day. I should probably call my mom tomorrow. I can't remember if I replied to her text....OH! Someone else texted me today too and I kinda totally forgot about it 'til just now...well...I remembered while I was washing dishes but then forgot again til just now...so I guess I"ll go reply to that...newai...
Today has been filled with so many emotions!! I'm having trouble even getting started with this post, even though I know I want to sit down and type it out...my mind won't sit still and pick a starting point...Maybe I'll try from beginning to end...and hopefully the journey will be rewarding...
I woke up before the alarm went off....actually Nugget's yowling at the bedroom door woke me up first. He stopped when he heard me rustle around and crawl out of bed. Before sitting down at my workstation to begin the day, I washed dishes and made breakfast - I really don't think I should like hot pockets and grits as much as I do buuuut it's a quick meal and it's something to take meds with sooo moving on.
I made tea after breakfast and drank it slowly as I fell into the rhythm of work and began making progress on the day's task. We had a mandatory training meeting from 10-11 and Behb was up n about by the time it was over. I took an early lunch and we adventured to Whole Foods to pick up fresh greens for Mary Shelley (I got food from the hot bar...I think that was the first time I ever got it too...it was okay, but not worth the $16, IMO) We made it back within the hour and I was once again consumed by hyper-fixation to complete my task. Even though I wasn't paying much attention to him, I appreciated that he came to doodle and spend the rest of his morning on the couch in the living room with me. :)
He headed off to work around 2:10 and I worked until 6p. At some point during the day, it started to rain - like actual rain rain, not just a 10 minutes drizzle. I was very excited to open the windows and let the smell of fresh wet earth leak into the apartment. By the end of the day, I felt good about the progress I'd made and even let my manager know how satisfying it felt to put a noticeable dent in the task. By that time though, I had to acknowledge that I had made it to a good stopping point and with Behb at work and no other reasonable excuse to stop me from going, I acknowledged that I was procrastinating before shutting everything down and heading off to get dressed.
The nervousness I'd spent much of the day trying to ignore was starting to become non-ignorable, but I was determined to see it through after talking myself into going over the past week. I got dressed, got in the car, drove 15 minutes south, and made it to the destination 10 minutes early. I navigated the signs and made my way up to the third floor, a security guard and a man near the elevator spotted me on the way and asked if I needed help. When I replied that I was looking for the Bipolar group, the man said he was heading that way too and we rode the elevator together. He was nice! We did small talk, I tried not to be too nervous but I'm pretty sure he could tell. There's no way I hid it all that well.
I was relieved to be one of the first two people there. Being in the room as it filled up vs walking in after already being full was definitely preferred...I felt even better when he admitted that it may be a smaller group today because of the rain. A small handful of people trickled in, they greeted each other with warmth and for whatever reason, that really helped my nerves settle down and dare I say that by 6:45, when it started, I actually felt....comfortable.
It was all the cheese - name tags, circular seating arrangements, "Hello, My Name is...", icebreaker, then share and discussion. And for what it's worth....the cheese worked. Though hard, it is not impossible to acknowledge that sitting in this circle, hearing these people talk about their weeks and what they're going through, getting my turn to talk, feeling supported while doing so, and feeling like the opportunity for a genuine connection with another human in the physical realm might actually be possible in this situation....whatever it is I'm trying to say in so many words....basically all boils down to....it helped.
I am glad I went. I want to go back. I want to go regularly. Every week if possible. I am proud of me for doing it. It was scary but my brain made it bigger than it needed to be and I hope I continue staying one step ahead of it...because I can tell that the weight of the things don't feel quite as heavy as they have been...or at the very least, maybe now I can more readily acknowledge the possibility that there may actually be a light at the end of the tunnel.....even if I don't where that end actually is. For now, at least, I can acknowledge that I know it's there...somewhere.
