The Many Differing Faces That We Wear
‘Extract taken from my Insta’
Today I was touched by the fact that one of the mums on the course recently broke down crying during one of our sessions. If you have ever been in a situation like this you will know how it feels. Sometimes when people rush over to you , although well intentioned, makes you cry even more and feel even more wretched and angry with yourself. Your poker face, that masks who you really are has slipped off and the real, vulnerable you is exposed. No one ever intends to air their linen in public and yet I ‘ve often found from a personal and professional capacity that when operating from a place of pain and or trauma, you often unravel when in an environment which feels safe and contained and secure. There are also things that can trigger this unravelling such as a caring nature, or as Fraud says counter transference (this is where something that you are dealing with triggers a reaction in you that reminds you of difficult situations, experiences and or circumstances).
I’ve often found that when I meet people they feel at ease and so they find themselves sharing things with me that they often can’t explain why or its usually accompanied with I felt comfortable sharing this with you. I sensed previously that this mum had a great deal going on in her life because let’s be honest life happens. The way she was talking to me, was leading up to something. People have strange reactions when I tell them that I used to be a Child Protection Social Worker. My training has taught me how to use circular questioning that encourages conversation in a unique way that enables me to gather and pick up issues that are not immediately obvious. I’m a reader of verbal and non-verbal cues, my training has taught me to be observant and understand the dynamics and motivations of the human condition and how they interact with their environment. I saw her eyes well up and then the outpouring came.
In that moment there were no words that needed to be spoken. This is called, ‘containing the contained’, a psychodynamic theory, that highlights the need to release, in this case her need to cry. So I just held her in that space. It reminded me of an incident 15 years ago when my mum was dying. I remember parking in the hospital and getting out of my car in a daze. I don’t know how I got there but I did. As I walked towards the hospital I was filled with dread and fear, tears rolled from my eyes. I asked a complete stranger to hold me in that moment and he did. I wept on his chest like a child. He literally just held me. I’ll never forget that day because no words were spoken just a simple act of kindness. It was like he was my guardian angel. I don’t remember who he was or what he looked like but I felt safe while he held me. When I looked back over my should he had simply disappeared. I thank him who- ever he was because he gave me the courage to keep walking and face the death of my mother with dignity.
It got me thinking about the importance of our interconnectivity, that we all need human interaction and that this group of woman represented more than just being mothers who wanted to get back to work. They have been a source of comfort and support and have met a more in-depth psychological need for those that have needed it.
Ever since this incident happened I’ve been reflecting on the power of the human embrace. To be able to connect with others when they need it is a necessary ingredient that society lacks today. The inability to see anything outside ourselves is endemic. To only hear what you want to hear and see what you want to see is symptomatic of a nation that has lost its way. Be kind to the people that you meet because an extension of this could literally save somebodies life one day.