Melissa's Musings

A Place For Me to Just Unleash

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Familial Love: I don't usually have things like this happen to me. I felt so tangibly, the love of God through these people. Amazing what God will do when He forces us to just stop. I understand just a bit more of Paul's love for the church and just tiny bit more about God's love for us. <3

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I Have Nothing but Christ

Random thought today. I really do not own anything. Not my own finances, not my friendships, nothing. I am ruler of nothing. But this I know, Jesus is Mine and I am His.

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Single and Struggle

It’s been a rough two weeks with dreams every night regarding love (or a lack there of). It’s been hard to sleep, and I have officially caught my first cold of over a year. As I’m typing now I am falling asleep without having done any work today. Frustration.

People say, I’m still young, don’t worry. And yes, it is true that I am young, but that does nothing to deal with my loneliness. And yes, it is absolutely true that God is more than enough for me. So why am I struggling to find rest in my sleep?! 

I am not dissatisfied with the hand that God has dealt me, for I have everything I need and more. This is the most intimate season of my relationship with God thus far. God, I need your rest now more than ever. Thank you that I am not married now. Thank you for your constant, and continual renewal of my character and heart. Help me to trust in your plan for me. 

Love,

Your daughter

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God's Goodness in Our Faithlessness

God you make your name great and keep your promises even when we are foolish. (Evidenced in the way you kept Sarah untouched when she was pregnant when Abraham gave her to Pharoah and Abimelech. We are fearful and judgemental (Abraham's misjudgement of Abimelech and his kingdom). You are ever gracious (intervened for Abimelech's kingdom from His wrath in Abraham's foolishness). You prosper those around us. (Hagar and Ishmael)

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Working Progress

Today has been a draining day. Despite starting the day with our Christmas service I found myself being self-absorbed towards the end of the day. I feel drained, selfish, emotional and disappointed with myself. I find myself more in need of God's grace everyday. Am I regressing? Or am I just realizing the extent of my sinfulness that I've kept hidden from my realization. Why am I so disappointed? As if sin did not permeate every fiber of my being, distorting every thread that God knit together to form me. I find that I've let my affections for a certain someone grow to more than I would've liked. A part of me wants to give it up because perhaps if I force myself to stop now it won't come back to hurt me. Is my desire to control the amount of pain of might encounter going to cost me possible future joy? No matter what form it comes in I will never get used to the feeling of longing. It seems to come from a deep recess of my heart that cannot be controlled by rationalization. That scares me. Dear God, you are a good good father and you are worthy of my heart. Would you give me discernment and faith as I endeavor to give you all I am. I know I am still holding on tightly to parts of me that I do not want to put through pain. Help me to trust and obey. You have loved me and done far more than what you ask of me for me. Help me to love you more perfectly because you are all to me. Love, Your work in progress daughter.

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Repentance, Restoration

Today I came to a fuller understanding of objectifying a man. I viewed him as a source for validation, empowerment and fulfillment. To what end? To my own end. How I love to feed my pride and vanity. And what was I willing to sacrifice? The scary thing is, at times I was willing to sacrifice a brother’s integrity, purity and maybe... his salvation? 

Now to that last point, God is sovereign and no matter what I do I can not get in the way of His saving power and for that I am thankful beyond measure. My God, how I need more of your love for your people, for thee. It’s a painful thing to come to terms with how sinful one is, and even more painful to realize that one is more sinful than what they can even see. But according to a quote I once read, something only hurts when there’s something wrong with it. The thing that hurts is my pride, and well that’s all wrong isn’t it? 

Praise God for the people in my life. Praise God that His light shines in His people at unexpected moments and in unexpected ways. Randomly after karaoke with a friend we prayed for the object of my recent temptation. And in that moment I felt a shift in my heart that lead to its restoration. Purity will be something that I struggle with for the rest of my life. But my God will bring me closer to perfection each day until that day I am face to face with my true love. 

I pray that I always continue to fight the good fight, and I pray that I would be forever awed by the truth that He will never let me go. 

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Good day...?

Finally started doing calligraphy again and I must say I’m better now than I was back in college. Due diligence indeed. I’m pretty sure I’m using that phrase wrong but whatever. 

There was quite the thunderstorm today and then the sky turned this amaziinnngg firey hue. Almost like fire was going to fall down which is pretty terrifying if you think about it. But awesome. Like Jesus returning awesome. 

Then I tried to cancel a date with someone from CMB but turns out he actually does want to meet even though we haven’t been talking. It would be really rude to not meet up right? Sigh. Welll we’ll see how it goes. 

P.S. I need to prayyy. Lots. Cuz prayer makes life so much better.  

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Thoughts on Fat

Family Vacations = Get Fat Must find a solution or Ill have to diet really hard the rest of the year... which won't happen which just means I'm going to get more fat. Sigh

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I’m holding on to the hope that one day this could be made right. I’ve been shipwrecked, and left for dead, and I have seen the darkest sights. Everyone I’ve loved seems like a stranger in the night But Oh my heart still burns, tells me to return, and search the fading light. I’m sailing home to you I wont be long By the light of moon I will press on Until, I find, my love Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown Sirens call my name, they say they’ll ease my pain, then break me on the stones But true love is the burden that will carry me back home Carry me with the, memories of the, beauty I have known I’m sailing home to you I wont be long By the light of moon I will press on So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone I want to hold, her in, my arms

Ulysses, Josh Garrels

This song is so haunting and speaks to the human tendency to break our communion with God over and over again. But, I’m always being brought back by the Spirit, sailing on His grace back home. And when I don’t have the ability to move towards Him let me be tied to the mast of this ship and pointed home by my Savior. 

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Big Texas

Austin is big. Like really really big. Everything. That is all.

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Falling Slowly

“ I don't know you But I want you All the more for that Words fall through me And always fool me And I can't react And games that never amount To more than they're meant Will play themselves out Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice You'll make it now Falling slowly, eyes that know me And I can't go back Moods that take me and erase me And I'm painted black You have suffered enough And warred with yourself It's time that you won Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice You've made it now Falling slowly sing your melody I'll sing it loud”

It’s a little scary realizing you’ve developed feelings for a close friend. I’ve always found it easy to blur the line between friend/ love interest. If I can respect a man’s character and find his presence enjoyable then of course I’ll find him attractive has always been my mindset (of course unless they’re taken, or family.)

I find these lyrics to be appropriate to depict my mix of emotions. These feelings took time to develop and there I’ve known these feelings have slowly been churning for a while. The more that I’ve come to know this person and allowed this person to know me the more I enjoy being with him. Small motions such as a playful touch or even close proximity bring me little moments of pleasure and it alarms me just how much I enjoy them. 

I know how indecisive he is when it comes to relationships, and I have no idea if he harbors any of these types of feelings for me. This uncertainty often makes me want to recoil from spending time with him as I am not one to allow myself to be strung along. However, I have benefited much from living life on life with him and as much as I fear these feelings being reciprocated I am usually content with our relationship. 

I have peace when I remember that I am loved deeply and passionately by a better and perfect friend. Even though I don’t know where my relationship with this man is going to lead (if it goes anywhere) I do not grow bitter or anxious because I do not NEED anything from him ultimately. All of my emotional needs, my identity are placed in Christ and I will surrender even the desires closest to my heart to my beautiful Savior because He has saved me with His better love. 

So I am hopeful, and I do still have time. Though I might feel like I’m sinking in my feelings for my love interest at times God continually guides me back to him. And though it is a slow process, I have become completely and utterly enamored with my God. <3

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Random Ramblings

Lately I've felt unsettled. Like my insides are twisted up and out of sorts. I am usually so good at being able to organize my feelings and figuring out the reason why I feel a certain way gives me peace. Perhaps it is because I have more desires as of late. Maybe I am letting myself desire more despite the fear that more desires will lead to more pain. I'm starting to think that my attempts to control my desires in the first place were never healthy. So I will try allowing myself to fully feel and instead of controlling my desires give them over to God even if it results in heartbreak. There is no fear in perfect love. I will trust that God will see me through even if I suffer hurt. For I know that even if I am crushed I can not be destroyed. Praise the Lord, my gracious, loving Father. Forever and ever. Amen.

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Remembering the Voice of the Martyrs

Today I sat in a conference room in the UN and listened to the voices of delegates, defectors and facilitators as they discussed the DPRK. 3 defectors sat on the panel and bravely gave their testimonies even in the face of intentional bullying from the representative of DPRK. 

As I listened the stories of these defectors broke my heart. The story of a boy losing his father, a young girl being robbed of her adolescence at 13 and enduring the loss of 3 generations and a woman whom was repatriated multiple times. I was reminded of how real these atrocities are and all of a sudden I felt a realization hit me. Every moment I mindlessly read manga, or indulge in meaningless entertainment I could be reading current events. I could be reading about human rights violations, legislation put in place, people in charge and I could be PRAYING. When I choose to indulge in my private world of pleasure I am forgetting the voices of those defectors and as I waste my life I am ignoring the heart of justice God has put in me. 

While these defectors are brave in doing what they do, there is one braver yet. Let me make much of Jesus, the ultimate martyr. I am convicted to all the more use my time wisely. 

I have more thoughts, but alas. I am falling asleep even as I type. I suppose I’ll just have to process in my sleep. 

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First day in the Caribbean

The first day in Aruba was so much fun. I’m being spoiled by the Park family. Amazed by the grace that God is showing me. So much beauty and wonder. Also realizing that I am way out of shape and with spring having finally arrived I have no more excuses to not go outside. Looking forward to the rest of the trip. Praying that It will be filled with deep meditation and intimacy with Him. 

Wouldn’t complain if I happened to hit it off with some handsome God-loving man. ;)

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This is just one photo but I love the hotel. Great view, great sun and great accommodations. 

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I had an amazing smoked salmon on ciabatta sandwich. It was soooo fresh AND there were sun-dried tomatoes the size of dates.

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When I first stepped outside the Arubian airport I was struck by the blueness of the sky.

Then when I got onto the beach I was amazed by the blueness of the sea.