a diary

[tenacious-blossom]

Dear Fred

Dear Fred-

The last couple days have been a little hard. I don't know if it's my anxiety about going to see you in Boston in 4 days, about you not having feelings for me anymore, or about me not being good enough. Maybe it's all of the above. Maybe I'm self sabotaging. But my heart hurts. My gut feeling isn't good.

We haven't talked like we used to, for a few days now. It feels a little forced. Based on previous experience, my instinct tells me that you're probably talking to someone else. That's okay, but please don't ghost me. Please be different. I want to text you, asking "why aren't you talking to me?". But I'm holding back in fear of hearing words that I don't want to hear. I miss you.

I wasn't planning on falling for you like this, but here I am...writing a letter on Tumblr that you'll never read because I don't have the balls to talk to you. I want us to be more than friends. I want you to be mine. I'm very confused on where we stand.

When something happens and/or I see something funny, I immediately want to share with you. I get butterflies when I see that I have a notification from you. When I get sad, you've talked me out of my moods. You make me feel safe.

I'll hopefully get to see you on Thursday, but now I don't know how I'm supposed to behave. I want to hold you and not let go. I want to lay in bed, look at stars on the ceiling and listen to music, while a candle is burning, just like you said you wanted. I want to visit a museum, holding your hand and talking about the art. I want to wearing matching shirts and beanies and take cute photos. I want to look at your face in admiration. I want to feel you. I want your kisses. I want you to say that you want to see me again. But I'm afraid these are all just empty wishes. I'm afraid I'm just going to be another friend visiting you, a friend with whom you share a situation.

I'm afraid I'm going to detach by the time I see you because of these thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart. Maybe I'm overthinking and got too into my head with these thoughts. Maybe I'm emotional because my period might be starting soon. But I find it hard to doubt, because this feels too familiar. Please be different.

I'm beyond excited to go to Boston, but I'm also fearful. I'm unsure how to approach this conversation. What happens if you're not on the same page. Will it get awkward? Will we be okay?

Do I have genuine feelings for you, or is this infatuation? Are we good for each other? Will I be okay? I have so many questions and no answers. I definitely need to go to therapy again, I'm aware.

I don't know where these insecurities stemmed from over the last few days. I was fine. I was happy. I feel like I'm more somber when we talk, than fun and flirty, like I usually am. Why am I like this? Maybe I'm not good for you. You deserve better. Maybe I know this, and that's why I feel inadequate and am questioning everything.

I'm struggling to figure out when to ask you if you like me enough to get into a relationship. I'm telling myself and others that I'll stop talking to you if you don't want me like that. I feel like I'm lying to myself and everyone else. I don't want to get hurt, but I feel it's inevitable. Please don't hurt me. If you have to, please hurt me less.

Love,

B.

[tenacious-blossom]

I back

Been a whole 4 months since my last post, hot damn. Guess I’ve been busy living life. So much has happened. 

I’ve been to -

Vegas (April)

LA for my birthday (May)

Vegas for EDC (May)

LA (May)

LA (June)

Flagstaff (July)

Vegas (July)

[tenacious-blossom]

bro ep 12 was the last episode of Business Proposal????? I watched the drama end without realizing it was the end???? wtf was that ending, IM SALTY

[bobbiedebruyn]

Hate to be that person, but WW3 trend on TikTok is not funny at all, especially your stupid POVs. Because no, Jessica from Chicago, you won’t have to hide in the basement to avoid being nuked and no, Kyle from LA, you won’t get drafted to the front lines. 

You again missed the whole point and managed to make this situation all about yourself, so I’m going to assure your stupid ass - this war is not going to affect you in any way, but you know who it’s going to affect? Actual people from Ukraine, who are going to lose their lives and be displaced from their homes, just like for the past 8 years. 

So congratulations on your stupidity, because it’s not about “I need a way to cope 🥺🥺🥺”, it’s about you celebrating and making fun of other people’s death.

[tenacious-blossom]

What’s your toxic trait?

I have many.

1. Not being very expressive about how I feel. I’m always afraid to come off as clingy, or bothersome.

2. I tend to complain a lot or find mistakes/issues with everything.

3. I get jealous easily.

4. I try to look for things/self sabotage when things are going really well. Like, if someone is going well for more than a day, then I’m asking what’s the catch, is something bad about to happen. Then it’s a downward spiral from there.

5. I am selfish when I really want something.

[tenacious-blossom]

started audiobook of “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing”. 9 hours 26 mins left.

[tenacious-blossom]

Why if I did voice diary entries? There’s so much I want to write about because I do so many things, but sitting and writing every day is daunting.

[tenacious-blossom]

I’m so touched that he still went to cosmic gate even tho he didn’t want to 🥺😭

[tenacious-blossom]

-what insecurity of yours holds you back the most?

-what lesson took you the longest to unlearn?

-how are you really?

-are any of your insecurities hurting anyone else by accident?

-how did you get over your first love?

-are you lying to yourself about anything?

-what’s the best lesson an ex has ever taught you?

-is there anyone who’s changed your life but doesn’t know it?

-what do you need right now, more than anything?

-when was the last time you felt lucky to be you?

-what do you need to accept today?

-when was the last time you felt most yourself?

-what’s the first thing you noticed about me?

-if you were to buy me a present, knowing nothing about me other than what I look like, what would it be?

-

[tenacious-blossom]

Surprise surprise. I’m gone for a minute and I’m back with a new trouble- nitin.

He’s a gentleman, very sweet, talks a lot, slightly cynical, very vulnerable, easily likable, with a beautiful smile.

We had deep conversations by the fire pit from 10pm to 2am. You know how those go. But anyway, I was stumped for answers when he asked me a lot of valid questions and when talking about myself.

I ramble with no proper train of thought when talking about myself to begin with. But then I felt like I’ve never really given much thought about many things, so I felt like I was making a fool of myself for every word that escaped my lips. For example:

- what are my non negotiables?

- am I happy right now? What does that mean?

- why do I still live at home?

- do I have a healthy relationship with my parents?

[tenacious-blossom]

Is it me?

[tenacious-blossom]

Things I want to learn in the new few months:

-CAD design

-GD&T

-Tolerance Analysis 

[itsbap]

Bang Yongguk Chronicles His Journey With ‘RACE’ In An Exclusive Interview

KHIGH: We would first like to congratulate you on your latest single ‘RACE’. How does it feel to finally make a comeback?

Bang Yongguk: I want to express my gratitude towards all the staff that helped my music to come out again to the world and I would also like to thank my fans who have been waiting for me.

KHIGH: What made you select ‘RACE’ as your comeback single? What is the message that you’re trying to share?

Yonnguk: This is a song that compares life to racing in F1. This song contains the meaning that our lives are the same as F1 sports, where we cannot finish the race if we do not stop at the pit for maintenance.

KHIGH: What was the inspiration behind ‘RACE’?

Yongguk: I got a lot of inspiration from watching F1 documentary films. I don’t actually own a car, though. Haha!

KHIGH: The music video for ‘RACE’ is so trippy and cool. Are there any fun behind-the-scenes stories while filming it?

Yongguk: I remember wearing colored lenses for the first time ever since my debut. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to wear such lenses again or not but it was a pleasant experience.

KHIGH: You were part of one of the biggest K-Pop groups and even had a successful solo career with the much-loved album ‘BANGYONGGUK’. Was it intimidating while preparing for a comeback after two years?

Yongguk: Not at all. I think I could enjoy preparing it during the break and it was a time for me to develop myself, to create more new and extraordinary music. Now I wish to tell you all my story through it.

KHIGH: We are also eagerly waiting for your next album. Are there any spoilers that you can share with us?

Yongguk: It will be a more casual album than my last studio album. I would appreciate it if you could enjoy the music itself!

KHIGH: Congratulations on also launching your own agency CONSENT! What are your plans for it?

Yongguk: My primary goal is to wrap up the Bang Yongguk albums as planned in 2022.

KHIGH: You even produced JUST B’s title track ‘Damage’ which fans loved. Is your process different when you are making music for someone other than yourself?

Yongguk: I would say making music as a producer is more exciting. The process of suggesting concepts or directions and creating music for friends is very detailed and fun. I’m also in the middle of the process to become a K-Pop producer by learning the pros and cons of it.

KHIGH: You have tried all kinds of things from producing to opening an agency and even making the documentary film ‘Breath’. What kind of projects would you like to try next that you haven’t done before?

Yongguk: Probably, movie soundtracks and acting are the projects that I’m looking forward to this year.

KHIGH: You’re known for experimenting with all kinds of genres from rock and hip hop to jazz. Would you be interested in something like Bollywood or Indian music?

Yongguk: To be honest, I didn’t get to have a chance to see much of it but I am definitely interested and enjoy learning various kinds of music from all over the world. In terms of it, both Bollywood and Indian music are very new and interesting to me.

KHIGH: You and the other members of B.A.P are still close and in touch, so what would you say if you got to have a collaboration with some of them?

Yongguk: I think we can do it together at any time!

KHIGH: Fans were touched that you still refer to yourself as B.A.P’s leader. Can we expect a reunion in the near future?

Yongguk: Realistically, I don’t think anyone can force the reunion. Each member has their own company, and we cannot just do it regardless of the business aspects. But we are still together on the ground called B.A.P.

KHIGH: They have also been eagerly waiting to see you perform live. Any plans for a concert soon?

Yongguk: Due to this Covid-19 pandemic, we are in a very difficult situation in regard to those tour projects that were being planned. I also want to go meet my fans as soon as possible. I will be praying for it.

KHIGH: Finally, any last words for your fans who were waiting so long for you?

Yongguk: I’d like to say thank you to the fans who have always been a great support to me. I will always be making great music so that I can pay back on the consistent support and love I get from fans. Love you all and thank you.

source: KHIGH 

[tenacious-blossom]

2/2/22 Good night gone bad

i may have ruined red wine for me forever. 

[tenacious-blossom]

5 years from now, I want to look back and smile when I think about the things I’ve done.

[tenacious-blossom]

Jan 31, 2022

5:24am, Monday, SWA, seat 17F

Now playing: At Least It Was Fun - JVNA

I’m one of 36 people on this flight, with the entire row to myself, yet I’m chilling forward-facing in the window seat.

This weekend was fun, for lack of better words. I feel extremely extremely extremely lucky to have such wonderful and generous people in my life, specifically the Natoma crew.

I’m going to try to write about each day in an effort to preserve these memories.

[tenacious-blossom]

Jan 27, 2022

I woke up up early, still unsure if i wanted to commit going to sf or not. Finished 7am meeting, messaged doc p that I’m coming thru, got Brazilian wax at 9, picked up some essentials at Safeway, aaaand meetings for the rest of the day got cancelled!

It’s now 10am and I have so much to do before leaving at noon for my 1:30. I get home, pack real quick, do dishes, take out the trash, water all the plants, aaaand we’re on the way to 123 by 12:22pm. Lfg.