Adjustments
CAMILA
Walking through the classroom door I hit the lights, taking in the flashbacks of my last day at work before going on leave. This transition back into the working field after really getting to know my newborn baby won’t be easy. This morning it took me 45 minutes just to put the baby down so I could get ready for the day. Andre did not pester me nor did he make commentary on my slow paced efforts. I think he was mute for quite a few reasons but only one stands out the most. He’s evolved into such a patient, compassionate, gentle and empathetic man. Andre watched over and cared for me from the moment he came home up until now. He knows how attached I’ve become to our son and getting acquainted with motherhood once again. Which is why leaving this morning was a major heartache for me. The season of my pregnancy that Andre was able to be present for completely shifted my state of mind into a much more enjoyable one. His biggest moment to shine was while I was in active labor. He advocated for me, was
“Ms. Reese?” A tender voice spoke out from behind me.
Subconsciously I squealed and spilled some of my tea on the floor. The sting from the water against the tops of my feet made me tear up but I didn’t release them. Spinning around slowly to avoid burning myself even further, I made eye contact with one of my quietest students.
“Good morning, Xavier. How are you sweetie?” I asked him.
“I’m okay. Sorry if I scared you. I didn’t mean to.” He said timidly.
I assured him that I’m fine and that he didn’t scare me. I don’t have the heart to tell this sweet boy that he did in fact scare the hell out of me. My classroom isn’t even filled yet and I’m already allowing my nerves to get the best of me. Directing Xavier to his seat, I placed my mug down to finish puttering around the classroom. It’s critical that I keep my hands and mind occupied during these last few minutes of quiet before the day truly begins.
—————-
Time seems to be moving at a rather fast pace now. Half of the day is already gone and I received my routine visits from both Zoe and Kenja. Seeing them reminded me of Jorden and although the sadness returned, the girls put a smile on my face. After recess was over, I pushed through the remainder of my lesson by forcing my sadness deep down inside. My students don’t deserve any inconsistency in their education. I simply cannot afford to be distracted even if the subject is wholesome. The minute the bell rang out, my room alongside neighboring classrooms and hallways were instantly filled with noise. Standing from my desk I removed my cardigan, set it on top of my laptop, and did a brief sweep of my classroom for any belongings left behind. My ‘lost and found’ corner never fails to house at least two seaters, a pencil pouch, pencil sharpener and even a spare pair of socks on a daily basis.
“Ms. Reese?” I turned around on my heels with three pencils, a notebook, and a halfway zipped pencil pouch in hand. I moved so quickly I dropped half of what I was holding.
“Dammit..” I cursed under my breath at my clumsiness and bent down to pick up the items. “What’s the matter, Claudia?” I asked.
“I still can’t read the big clock.” She whined.
Going over to her desk, I helped her gather her things and walked her through the time review lesson we covered earlier. My substitute over the past few months has done a wonderful job keeping up with the lesson plans I created for my students. Even while at home carrying Jorden to full term, I made sure my babies here at school were taken care of. From what the substitute shared, Claudia has been struggling significantly with reading time, so I went as far as writing her parents a note explaining exactly where she’s having difficulty. Once Claudia felt more confident that she could grasp the lesson, I returned to my desk and began reading through the students’ journal entries. The room was completely silent until I heard footsteps approaching. Still focused, I reached for my favorite pen and highlighter and continued marking edits.
“Mama, are you coming home late today?”
My head turned to the left and when I saw Zoe standing in the doorway I dropped my pen. I turned around in my chair, stood up and went over to where she stood. With her wrapped in my arms I felt this sensational urge to weep but our location prevented that.
“I missed you, my love.” I sniffled. Even after a long day of playing and running around, Zo still smells like home.
“But I came to visit you two times today. Mom, are you okay?” She asked. The concern in her voice tickled me.
Scaling back from our hug I walked her to my desk so I could sit back down.
“Mommy..what’s wrong? Why do you look so sad?” She questioned with a little more authoritative tone.
“I’m not sad, Zo. I’m tired but I promise I am not sad. And no I’m not coming home late. In fact..” taking a breather I stood up and began gathering my belongings. “Wanna take a trip with me? We can surprise daddy and Kenny with something they’ll both love.” I know that enticing children is a horrible parenting tactic. Especially since I get on Andre, all the time, about spoiling them with material things. However, the incentive for her to come home with me is baked goods.
“Can we go to Ann Marie? Please mom? Say that we can go, please!” Zoe began to guilt trip me about the last time we were supposed to go to the bakery. Together we left the school grounds after I received confirmation that Divya picked up Kenja earlier this afternoon. The drive into downtown LA was an absolute mess. Cars and pedestrians at every turn, not to mention it began to rain just as Zo and I made it inside the shop.
“Mommy..the umbrella.” Zoe complained, standing close to me.
“We’ll be alright, love. I’ll cover you with my jacket before we walk out. Tell me what you want.” I granted Zoe the liberty of getting her favorite muffin and a small cake just for her. I was sure to get Kenja’s and Andre’d favorite treats as well. When it came time for me to pick something I froze.
My drastic change in diet has really hindered my food palate. I chose many months ago to eat to live. I chose to nourish my body with food from the earth not only for my benefit but for my little boy too.
“If you’re struggling with the main menu we do have a specialty menu you can look at.” The girl behind the counter spoke up.
“Yes, I’d like to see that one. Thank you.” Accepting a laminated booklet with all kinds of alternatives I felt my eyes widen. “I’ll be damned.” I chuckled quietly.
“Can I see?” Zoe quizzed frantically.
Squatting down to her level I read off some desserts and pastries that caught my eye. Thanks to Zoe I picked out more sweet treats than I bargained for. The girl boxed up our food beautifully so we could head on home. The rain lightened up just as I got settled behind the steering wheel. My eye caught the brightest rainbow I’ve seen since the day of my mother’s funeral.
“It’s grandma and her special rainbow, mama, look.” Zoe said.
“Yeah baby, I see it too. It’s pretty right?”
“Uh huh.” She mumbled.
Choking back a mass in my throat I discreetly thanked my mother for the sign of good faith that I have been desperately searching for.
—————
“Alright, all done.” I yawned. Setting down Kenja’s hair brush and spray bottle I hung my head low with my eyes closed. My body began to sway and when I felt the cushion of her bed underneath my head I remained still.
“You can sleep here, I don’t mind..”
I opened one eye up to see Kenja taking the braid out of my hair. A weak smile and airy chuckle later I felt a presence nearby. Shifting slightly I felt my spirit come back to life. Here Andre stands in the doorway of the room with the baby cradled in his arms. I’ve been home tending to the girls for over an hour and I’ve yet to lay eyes on my baby.
“Is he asleep?” I yawned again, making the girls and Andre laugh.
“Same state that you’re in now. Come on..” he encouraged me.
I rose slowly from Evelyn’s bed and stood on my feet even slower. I’m worn out beyond measure. This first day back was brutal on my body. Turning around on my feet I went to tuck the girls into their beds. It’s getting to that time of night where I have to flip the switch in my brain. I tended to my kids and students all day so now is my time to end my night with my best friend and our bundle of joy.
“Good night my love, I love you girls so much and don’t ever forget that.” I passed my love to the girls and left the room, stripping out of my second change of clothes. I swapped the sweats and hoodie for one of my robes and sat down at the edge of the bed. Andre passed the baby to me and when I laid my sights on him I let the tears go. Too many hours have passed since I’ve held and gotten to dote on my little boy. “I missed you so much baby. So so much.” I whispered to him, smothering his face in warm kisses.
“I can already tell how your first day back went.” Andre stated with conviction. He has this natural ability to be overly in tune which I have always admired about him.
Sighing tiredly, I crossed my legs and allowed the entire day to run backwards in my mind.“I missed the two of you so much. Being home was all I could think about. The girls came to visit as usual and that really helped. Anyway, how was your day?”
“Quiet. I didn’t take him anywhere. I let him sleep after you left and surprisingly he was knocked out for five hours straight.” Andre stretched out beside me, removing my earrings and my eyelashes. “Why are you still playing around with these? You have beautiful eyelashes that don’t deserve to be covered up.”
Chuckling from the pit of my belly I felt my body tremble at his passive aggressive attempt to poke fun at me. Andre is the most supportive man I know but whenever
I experiment with makeup and hair tools, he gets a kick out of making commentary.
“I like to switch things up, Dre. You know that. I guess you’re right though, they are quite uncomfortable.” Peering at my baby I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek.
“Switch with me. Go get ready for bed because it’s getting late and you need to rest.” He and I traded places, granting me the peace and quiet I’ve been yearning for all day. Lifting my head toward the shower head I embraced the pounding water, pushing my hair back.
“Mmm…” I groaned. My mind is slipping between reality and a dream-like state as I remain still being softly pelted by the hot water. Life has been so gracious to me and so has the Lord. Life has also been cruel to me on numerous occasions. The spattering water against the floor and my feet reminded me of the waterfalls in Puerto Rico.
“Camila,” I heard over the water.
Turning around I gathered my hair to sit on my shoulder as I leaned forward to let the water penetrate my back and shoulders. The water pressure feels absolutely incredible tonight. Sure it’s because I’ve been on my feet for the better portion of the day but it’s also because I am mentally exhausted. I spent the better half of teaching convincing myself that I was ecstatic to be at work. I am so undeniably grateful and humble to be able to provide, I know. However the only thoughts that were swirling around my brain were of being here in this house with Andre and our children. “Hey..everything okay?” I answered him.
“Everything is fine, love. I’m just checking on you..” His voice trailed off and I sensed some hesitation regarding whatever is on his mind. “Can I ask you a question?” He continued on.
Rolling my eyes I smiled halfheartedly, “Babe of course you can.”
“How are your stitches healing? Denise called earlier to check in on Jorden and to see how you were holding up. I gave her my honest thoughts but I’d like to hear your perspective. I’ve taken a beat with my check-ins because I didn’t want to annoy or overwhelm you. But my curiosity is about to overflow.” He explained in such a soothing voice.
Andre mentioning the most painful part of labor and delivery struck a nerve. I truly felt like I was dying when I felt my skin rip apart. Bracing myself for another spot check, I squared my shoulders and prepared to check on my tear. “Umm..” I began to say. I rinsed the suds from my body and took a seat to delicately fan my fingertips over my stitches that haven’t completely dissolved yet. Even the slightest touch still raises the hair on my body and brings me discomfort.
“Cam, what’s wrong baby, talk to me..” I jumped at the sound of Andre’s voice and stabbed myself with my fingernail.
“Crap..” I shuddered. “It’s healing but very slowly. Were you able to get my pain meds along with everything else?” Sighing in defeat I wiped away the tears and sped up this shower. Stepping out I accepted the towel from Andre’s hand. “Gracias.” I smiled.
“You’re welcome. They’re in the nightstand drawer on your side of the bed. Are you sure everything is alright?” He’s digging for more as I stood in front of him, toweling off.
Nodding curtly, I secured the towel around my frame and grabbed a nearby t-shirt to blot my hair dry. “The stitches still haven’t dissolved and I stabbed myself. I’m okay I promise but I’m still not-”
Andre stroked the crown of my head and bent forward to kiss my cheek. He sighed heavily and softly cupped my shoulders. “Camila, I know how much pain you’re still in.” He began. Sliding his palms down my arms he looked me squarely in the eye.
It’s unfathomable how after all this time, his stare can still make me nervous.
“I promise that sex is not at the forefront of my mind. You know that I care about your health and well-being before my own sexual needs and desires. I care about your sexual needs and desires before mine, you know that too. I will never forget the moments leading up to the moment my son was brought into this world. I will never be able to fully understand but I do have so much respect for your ability to soldier through that experience. Your body was put through an immense amount of stress. I say all this to assure you that I will never be you. I will be right beside you to help you recover in any way that I can. I will also be ready when you’re ready.” He paused to clip my chin and draw me closer. “In due time, we’ll be back to our old ways. I love you and I care about you. Please don’t think that because of the pause in our sex life that I think less of you because that is simply not true.”
I felt the corners of my mouth turn up. “Thank you for all that you do. Your patience and commitment is unmatched.” I said genuinely. Andre and I shared a moment of blissful silence and carried on with the remainder of our evening. His assurances that he’s willing to be patient confirmed all over again that I’ve chosen the right man to be with. Andre’s ability to tackle our life changes with grace, gentleness and understanding just goes to show how worthy he is.
Being that he’s taken time off from work to help care for me and our baby is motivation enough to go full steam ahead. Every time that I catch a glimpse of him with the kids and demonstrating his ability to be the backbone of our family makes me swoon. Although I do greatly miss physical intimacy with Andre, I still have some internal monsters to slay before I can press play on that part of our relationship.
