Why I would want my son to be raised Italian
(Photo credit: Lee Oliviera for the New York Times)
By TERESA MASTERSON
If youâve never spent time in Italy, erase everything youâve ever thought or heard about Italians. Iâm talking about the American version of Italians that has been spread throughout popular culture in such portrayals as the Godfather and the Sopranos and Goodfellas.
Now that you have cleared your mind of the stereotypes, I would like to share what I have seen and experienced in my five years of living between Florence and Rome; being part of a huge, modern Italian family; and walking the streets among real Italians every day. Then perhaps you will understand why, if I ever have a son, I would be proud that half of his identity would be Italian.
Italian men are allowed to cry
American boys are taught from a young age not to cry. To show emotional vulnerability is to show weakness, to be unmanly. This damaging behavior towards the male sex in our society emotionally oppresses our boys and men, and it also promotes the idea that anyone who shows emotion, shares his feelings, or displays vulnerability, is weak and a target for ridicule.
When the only emotion allowed to a boy is anger, as this is considered masculine and strong, we are not only suppressing men from being whole, vulnerable people, but we are reinforcing the idea that the only way a man can express his sadness, his frustrations, his fears, is through anger.
The alienation and depression that occurs in American teenage boys is directly linked to their belief that they are unable to share how they feel without being seen as âless than a man.â
Italian men cry, and see no shame in such a natural emotion.
Italian men are physically affectionate with other men
Italian men greet other men with kisses, they walk down the street hand in hand, arm in arm. They touch each other with love and affection. The physical affection shown among men has nothing to do with sexuality and causes no need for them to explain themselves. There is confidence in their open caresses to those they love, gender not important.
My Italian husband lived in the U.S. for 10 years. He adores American culture and has always been fascinated and interested in acting out the social norms among men, i.e. stiff hugs, pats on the back, punches on the shoulder, and he felt proud anytime this kind of interaction occurred between him and his American male friends because these actions meant acceptance. But he also was very aware that if he slipped and went into the Italian male kiss, some would see this as a âgayâ gesture, and many would physically jolt away from this act of warmth.
Over the six years we have been together, my husband has made the Italian âtwo kissesâ a normal interaction between him and his younger American brothers-in-law. In the first year, I watched my brothers awkwardly receive this gesture of love with curiosity and amusement. Now I watch my brothers go in first for the kisses, almost like young kids hungry to feel affection and be affectionate to a man they love, liberated by the fact that they can explain it away as an Italian custom that does not reflect any kind of weakness.
When American boys and men are starved from physical affection from half of the population, doesnât it follow that the only socially acceptable physical affection a heterosexual man can give or receive is through sexual relationships with women? That is not enough.
Italian men show off their beauty
Italian men not only greet one another with kisses, but address each other as âcaroâ (dear) and âbelloâ (beautiful). Â Not only can they call each other beautiful, but they are encouraged by their society to show off their beauty.
Italian men care about their appearance. They wear pinks and purples; they wear tight pants tailored to their bodies; they wear fitted suits and gorgeous shoes; they cut their hair to compliment their faces; they take pride in decorating their bodies, no matter the shape or size.
While Iâve seen improvement in the more feminine styles American men are âallowedâ to wear these days, they seem closely related to living in a metropolitan city or working in a professional environment. And who can forget the term given to American men who seemed to care about their appearance â âmetro-sexualâ â always used in a bit of a pejorative way. The more common style for an American man is to wear oversized shirts, manly plaids, baggy shorts and T-shirts. God forbid an American man wear tight pants without a hipster lumberjack beard to accompany it â this would be a true sign of being âgirly.â And to be âgirlyâ is such a horrible thing to be.
Last year I brought my husband to the wedding of a dear male friend, and saw many friends from college I hadnât seen in years. All of these men were former basketball players for our college team. All are loving, affectionate men in the way that teammates are allowed to be in America. But I remember wondering â as my Italian husband walked into the room in a fitted suit jacket and dark skinny jeans, with a haircut that brought his curls down to one side over his forehead â how many of my hyper-masculine athletic friends assumed I married a gay man. Even at the end of the night, as we walked out, my husband turned to me, laughed, and said, âI shouldnât have worn the skinny jeans.â He didnât have to say more. And yet that laugh of his was so Italian. He knew what some might have thought, and he didnât care one bit.
There is such a confidence, not cockiness, in Italian men, when it comes to their sexuality. They know who they are, they act how they feel, and they donât care how anyone else interprets it.
Italian men do not seek out physical strength to prove their masculinity
There is much to admire in the sports-oriented culture of America, in which all elementary and high schools have sports teams and encourage children from a young age to develop teamwork and athletic discipline. I played sports my entire childhood and into my college years, and I benefitted greatly from learning how to discipline my body and work with others for a common goal. While there are probably more benefits than disadvantages to the American sports culture, I see one thing that can greatly harm boys. If a boy is not strong or is not blessed with athletic ability, he is often mocked, bullied, or put down. LORD help him if he âruns like a girl.â
Italian schools do not have structured or institutional sports teams. Kids who are not interested in physical competitions are not forced into them. Italian boys do not grow up going to battle during gym class, during soccer meets. And when I walk past Italian schools during recess, I see the same physical affection among boys that I see on the streets among men. There seems to be less of a need to physically prove your strength in order to be admired as a man in Italy.
Think of how much pressure is taken off of boys when they are not regularly forced to combat each other.
Italian men do not fear femininity
Do you want to know what happens when a society allows men to be emotional, vulnerable, beautiful people? Femininity is no longer considered weak. Femininity and those who are feminine are no longer seen as a threat to those who want to appear strong. Femininity is considered a normal aspect of every human being.
This means women and homosexual men are not seen as threats to a heterosexual manâs masculinity. It means that all men are given the liberty to be emotionally-rounded people who do not have to prove themselves through feats of physical strength and emotional stoicism. It means men are free to be whoever they are, and therefore they do not see femininity as a hazard and they do not put down those who are more feminine in order to feel superior and stronger.
With this absence of fear of all things feminine, Italian men openly show love and emotion to their partners, their mothers, their fathers, their sisters, their friends. To kiss your wife in public, to hold your motherâs hand, to gush over your son, is normal behavior for Italian men. Nobody would think of mocking a man for this. And yet in America? When is the last time you heard someone joke that a man is âpussy-whippedâ for the simplest act of respect or devotion to a woman? Yeah.
Be Italian
Italy is not perfect. Italians are not perfect. (To wit, if a sequel comes after this post I would call it, âWhy I would want my daughter to be raised American.â)
Just like every society there is sexism, misogyny, domestic violence, gender inequalityâŚthe list goes on. I only write today about something beautiful that I see in the Italian culture, that my home culture lacks: The freedom for men to be people â whole, emotional, feminine, masculine, people. Just like women. There are few differences between how boys and girls think and feel, but there are damaging differences between how some cultures allow boys and girls to demonstrate their feelings.
When we tell our boys to âstop crying,â to âbe a man,â we are telling those boys they will never âbe a manâ unless they suppress much of how they feel. When we regularly use the words âpussyâ or âsissyâ or âgirlyâ as insults, when our vocabulary includes telling boys that theyâre âacting like a bitchâ or theyâre âso gayâ in an effort to disparage, we are teaching our boys that to be or to seem feminine is negative and shameful, low and impotent. And this is where true sexism, homophobia, and misogyny come from.
In my experience, Italian men do not fear a woman in authority. They do not fear showing their emotions. They do not fear caressing their love in public. They do not fear kissing a gay man on the cheek. They do not fear a pink shirt. They do not fear themselves. And with that lack of fear, they seem so much more comfortable in their own skin, and so much more comfortable with giving and receiving love and acceptance.
If I ever have a son, I will be so happy that he has an Italian father to emulate, and an Italian culture to hold him close.