Origami Around
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@teresaluvs
It has been so many years since I last access here!
Update on my life. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, went through therapy and put on antidepressant. Today I feel so alive and studying Master in Nursing. I couldn’t believe how far I have come. Thank God for leading and guiding me to where I am today.
I live my life daringly (:
Saying goodbye
I felt strangely weird, i felt like i am saying my goodbyes to people around me.
perhaps i know I'm dying soon? or am i gonna end my own life? Not sure. It seems more serious than i thought it would be. I’m at my breaking point, couldn’t find any more reason for me to live. Can somebody help me?
Am i depressed? yea i am. why? i don’t know. I just want to die.
But i know that it’s not right, i’m trying my best to be the living dead. God helps me to sustain.
Have you ever, been so afraid of yourself? like what you are capable of doing to yourself? i hope i don't have the courage to end my life.
Feeling down
Man, not sure why, perhaps its your anniversary today, I feel super sad. Feeling so damn lonely without you. Everyday is like fighting a lonely fight, struggle to live. Have been wanting to join you for a long time. Trying hard to keep myself busy so that I will not miss you so much. But it seems so unbearable. Working hard, but get taken advantage by others, felt like life is unfair, and its hard to breathe. Sometimes just want to be alone, so that I can convince myself that life isn't that bad, but at the same time, I'm so afraid of what i am capable to doing to myself. Taking away my own life. Working so hard, trying to complete all the expectations of me is like, I'm trying to say goodbye to the world. The feelings like I'm so attracted to other part of the world. I know it may not be better than here, but still... at least I can stop dying. To live is day is like dying, a dead trying to be a living. Tough. But I'm living for others, yet I'm afraid to be hurt by them. Not sure how I can endure till my death. It seems nearer, I hope.
Yesterday
Felt so tired that I've totally forgotten to update yesterday. Was so glad that I've managed to meet my pressure ulcer team yesterday. Considered done well beyond my expectation.. (: Hope I'll have a better day today. Wanna go home early, and practice drawing.
The first photo is the incomplete drawing during class, the second one is the complete and touch up at home. (:
Great day spent on art
Had my second art lesson today, really enjoyed the lesson. It was fun, and I have learned A lot of the techniques. Toning process. But found that I had some imperfection which I need to improve on, like drawing the circle really round and over shape. Received compliment from teacher, really felt great. Having someone to guide you, telling you your weaknesses and encourage you to improve. Really wished to bring my drawing skills to higher level. Shall practice more. Hmm, I shall post some pictures of my drawings.
Post night
Had a pretty rough night shift, but I've survived it. Apparently after my night shift, I couldn't find anyone to help me to jab my vaccine, and ended up injecting IM injection myself. Ouch. It was painful, halfway through, I was so tempted to remove the needle. Hopefully I don't get much symptoms from the effect of vaccine. Working real hard to fulfil my dreams and passion, at the same time ensuring that I'm striving well in my work and study. Not easy, but gotta believe in myself a little more. Fighting!!
Surprised
Have you ever be surprised by what you are capable of doing? Never expect that you are that good. And always wondered what people see in you. You are always so scared to speak, answer or even share your thoughts, because you are always afraid how stupid you will turn out to be. That's me. And yay, I got back my learning portfolio result, 90/100, marked by a pretty strict Australian lecturer of mine. (: I'm glad.
Exam result out!
Gotten my exam result, and scored 80.5/100, I'm like OMG!!! Never expect that I would have done that well. Thought that I was under prepared. Now just gonna wait for another result for my learning portfolio. Really hope that I can score distinction, so that I can apply for scholarship. Really quite poor now due to studies and other responsibilities. Gonna have a good night shift soon. Hope all my patients are stable. May God bless us.
Accomplishing DAY
Today, I was assigned to precept two preceptees. Pretty rough, but survived through, Realised that i was not really patient with one of them. Wished i could be more patient, but found that it was running out when i can’t see that she is putting in effort in her own learning.
But oh well, i did make some mistakes too. Wouldn't deny it.
Well was really surprised that the other preceptee did really well and has learnt a lot. (:
The best part of the day, it to get them to settle all the rubbish that was left behind by the previous shifts, and all my patients were safe and happy. So am i happy.
Was really tired due to the lack of food and sleep last night.
But really my colleagues and enjoyed caring for the patients.
Die dead exhausting
Had a super busy shift today. But all ended we, saved 2 lives today, but I'm stuck in the ward. Finally able to sleep at time 1.32am, waking up at 5.45am for morning shift tmr.
Back to work!
Oh well, i’m back to work today, a cruel reality.
Worked really hard, non-stop, to fight against the odds. And yay, fought well with sepsis, manage to stabilise one of the patient’s condition.
And we really worked very hard today, all of us didn’t get any break at all.
& after work, thought of Taylor swift’s Shake it off, and decided to get all my afternoon shift colleagues to take a we-fie :D
Look at the time, we are still in the ward!
Dream comes true
Well, so basically today, i have officially started my art lesson!!! Yay! :D
Have learnt a lot of cool stuffs, and one of it is to sharpen your pencil with... a penknife! Cool right? This is so that you will not waste your graphite lead or charcoal.
Like this:
Trying to slowly fulfil my promise to my dearest hammy.
Hmm, kinda makes me wonder if should still continue to be a nurse?
And oh, my teacher thought that i had art background, what a compliment! But please don’t neglect me, i want to learn!!
The missing touch
t“On that warm and hazy day, you came into my life...
You were so pretty and elegant. The attempted handshake startled your little soul, but there we became friends.
You are always so mischievous, excitable and creative, nothing can prison your little mind. Memories of performing your stunt shows, making me laugh and playing hide and seek together was unforgettable. And gradually we became closer friend. We started sharing food together, my forever unfinished yogurts and fruits; holding handing and playing games. Time passes by quickly when we were together, and we always couldn't bear to part away from each other to bed each night. Your adorable smile and cheeky flirtation always never failed to keep me with you. When i’m in stress or troubled hearted, you are always my listening ears.
Remember that time when we lost contact while i was in Rome for a week, not a single day i was not thinking about you, wishing that i was home instead of traveling. And finally, while waiting for the plane in the airport, we finally get to FaceTime with each other. How excited i was to see your face, and that moment of intense gaze we had, and you telling me how much you are missing me.
Our relationship became even closer and deeper, we hang out like no other buddies in this world did. We had fun, watching dramas, eating snacks and slept by each other when we get exhausted.
We shared everything, and even brought you to my favourite place, and you thought that it was heaven. The angelic hymn that was sung, blessing that was given to you, perhaps that was the best day of our life.
But i had a dream, to travel and become a great artist. My soul continuously become restless, wanting to travel and get inspired. Yet i could not bring you and always had to left you alone.
But one day, our life changed.
Back from my night shift, after hanging out together for awhile, something went amiss. You were bitten by some horrible monster, that had scared and injured you so much. We rushed looking for doctors to treat you, but you remained strong and kept us laughing with your tricks. Finally in the clinic, as you couldn't contained your excitement, the headmaster was awoken by you. She was very pissed off as her sleep was disrupted, and gave you a big punishment. You were so scared that you shivered in fear.
Then finally, we get to see the doctor and gotten you treatment done. And i was given antibiotics and dressing to ensure your wound get better. I was so concerned that you cheeky one will not be complaint, but i was wrong.
And finally, your wound get all better!! But somehow, you have become weaker.
Day by day, you became more and more lethargic.
We returned to the doctor again, this time round we more serious concerns. You became more grouchy and reluctant to cooperate, perhaps you knew that the patient before you had passed away. But to find out the cause of your illness, the doctor need to get you an X-Ray. I reluctant agreed, wholeheartedly wanted to get you treated. While waiting outside of the room, the doctor came out and said to us that you were very scared and refused to cooperate. They got no choice but to give you the very small amount of General Anaesthesia.
My heart was like, “oh my god, i’m regretting this. you must be so traumatised”. And you did your small little revenge by biting on the doctor’s hand when you woke up from your Anaesthesia. I have never met someone so saucy like you!!
And so, we finally found out that you had pneumonia due the cold weather and a loose tooth.
You strongly believed that you could fight off this battle, always comply to your medication, taking your meals and continue your usual exercise routine. But still we couldn't deny that you are tired. So you always came to me for hug and kiss, and i always tried my best to keep you as comfortable as you can be. The loose tooth had caused you so much pain, and became growingly impatient with the treatment,
On the new year eve, i came home late from double shift, and i was told that you were very sick and weak. Rushed home, and you gave me your most cheerful look. i was relieved. But wondered if you had hide your pain. We saw the fireworks from the window together. But deep down, i thought you couldn't make it. I remembered crying, because you were so in pain, sick, weak, and breathless. While hugging you, i could feel your heartbeat pounding fast. When you were woken up by my sob, you drew yourself even closer to me, and watched me teared. And i too, though i faintly watched you teared as we gaze at each other. I knew you are leaving me soon. And so, i beg that you would hang on and we will visit the doctor immediately in the morning.
The next day, we left home early, had breakfast at coffee bean, and we walked to the clinic instead of taking cab this time round. I carried you on my hands, and remembered how quietly you sat down. The passerby were impressed.
You were the first patient of that day, or perhaps the year, 2015. But we got the different doctor this time round. Painkiller was all that you’ve got.
I rushed home each day to be with you.
And one beautiful evening, came back home, and greeted you excitedly as usual, you came running towards me, happy but your body seems heavy. I carried you and sing you songs especially “safe and sound” by Taylor swift. Then i played music that would possibly help you to distract from pain. You seemingly become more frustrated but you saw my gaze. You came closer to me, and i could feel your heart beat over my chest, pounding hard. I cried again and told you “If you are in so much pain, you can let go, and look for God. He will take care of you”, And that night i prayed to God telling him that “I’m ready and asked him to take good care of hammy”, then i went to bed early.
The next morning, i woke up, planning to go out to do some sketching and painting. But like usual, i always rushed to see if you are still breathing. And what i saw was had just killed me. You are gone. I was so afraid to touch you, thinking that i might inflict unnecessary pain for you, but your eyes were wide open, refusing to close. Sis rushed home and was the first one to hug and kiss you. She attempted to close your eyes, but you refused to. Then i came close, carried you from her hands, kissed you and said i love you, and i told you to let go and closed your eyes. I know that you didn’t want to leave us, but you had to because you were in too much pain.
And I love you so much, that i need to let you go.
I’m missing you so much everyday, bestie, my BFF. No one can fill up that missing piece of my heart, because it’s in heaven now.
“Sometimes the small things take up the most room of your heart” -Winnie the Pooh
missing you again