Just a girl with dreams of freedom

My blog about stumbling my way through life and trying to find myself and happiness in this crazy world and hopefully fullfilling my dream of life on the road and in the wilderness.

[terniblood]

Dreaming of life on the road

Good morning guys, just thinking about my future.  So many people pull off  just packing up and living on the road.  They figure ways of making money, getting food, getting around.  Why does it seem so far off for me?  Cody mentioned waiting another year before leaving.  The thought of that made me want to cry.  I could stay for the spring and summer but I can't stay another winter in Utah.  I get so depressed, I have no energy, I'm tired all of the time yet I can't sleep.  Winter is awful.  You'd would think being born and raised in Utah and spending two years in Golden, Colorado I would be better acclimated to the winter season but no, it just kills me.

Leaving would be more feasible if we didn't have four dogs.  Not only that but basically four useless dogs. (lol) Only one of them is really maybe capable of learning any useful skills like hunting or tracking.  The other ones are basically just derps.  If it were just Cody and I, we could leave with our backpacks on our backs and just walk and hitchhike but the dogs wouldn't be able to handle that especially if it got really hot.  One of our girls is an Akita and she doesn't do well in warm weather for long if we are not right next to a creek that she can lay down in.

So, with walking being out of the question, we have to have a vehicle of some kind, one that can transport 4 dogs, Cody and I and also hopefully be able to live out of.  The problem with this is; 1. it costs money to purchase and maintain these things. 2. Cody and I really don't know how to maintain a vehicle that is traveling a lot. 3. If we could save up enough money to buy some sort of trailer and truck or a vanagon they would have to be used and cheap, which most likely means old and not in the best shape.

I'm not even going to get started on figuring out how to make money right now.  All in all, I don't know how people figure out how to do it.  I could use some help and advice.  I really want to be free.

[terniblood]

depression, winter camping, the hunt for the perfect sleeping bag!

I've been fighting depression a lot lately.  I think the winter time is taking a tole on me.  Last summer I was out hiking and camping a lot and now that's it's winter time I have a hard time getting out.  I really hate the cold.  Really no matter how warm my body is, when I'm outside and it's cold my toes go numb.  Cody and I bought a four season tent and decided to take one of our favorite hiking trails and just set it up a few days ago.  We were planning a winter camping trip for next weekend but i quickly decided that I probably wouldn't be able to pull that off.  Well I'm going to try anyway.

 We don't have any winter camping gear, or much camping gear at all.  We've been trying to find some good sleeping bags.  Our budget isn't the best, we probably don't want to spend more than $120 and that's pushing it.  Here in utah in the winter, slightly up in the mountains, the temperature doesn't often go below 20 degrees F, so a 15-20 degree rated sleeping bag that we'll probably throw a liner into and a foam pad underneath to keep warm in the winter but is still acceptable for summer.  We are also looking for water proof because we have 4 dogs that will probably get wet and we don't want their wet fur and paws seeping into our bags.  We would like our bags to be light weight for backpacking and maybe even spliceable, meaning we can zip them together and create one large sleeping bag.

Well lets hope we can make a decision soon! if anyone has any suggestions feel free to help out!

[terniblood]

Insomnia - My Life Long Friend

Well, I can't sleep.  Not right now, not ever.  Last night I went to sleep around three and I woke up at six, I've been awake ever since.  This isn't just a phase, I've been like this for as long as I can remember.  Before my parents got divorced, so ages 5 and below, I remember not being able to sleep.  My parents seriously had to finally come up with the solution that I could stay up as long as I stayed in my room and did something quiet like read or draw because before then I would wake up, get up, and keep on waking everyone else up.  They tried everything before coming up with that idea.  It worked out okay i guess, my knights were filled with drawing under my desk lamp while everyone else got sleep.  The problem is that it has never gone away.

No matter what time I fall asleep my sleeping pattern is the same.  I sleep for a few hours, wake up, can't sleep for 4 or more hours, and then suddenly get so drowsy it's impossible to stay awake.  If I go to bed at 10 I'll be up at 12, 4 I'm awake by 7.  Don't even get me started on falling asleep either.  That is it's own ordeal.  Laying there for sometimes up to an hour, trying all kinds of things to fall asleep.  Progressive relaxation, controlled breathing, etc.

I don't know what causes this problem or why I've had it practically my entire life.  I have gone through phases where I can sleep but they are few and far between.  Maybe an auto-immune disorder?  My anxiety and depression?  The medications I'm on?  Maybe my brain and body just simply aren't stimulated enough.  I have not been able to sleep for seemingly different reasons before.  When I was a kid it seemed like it was because I was really, really scared at night.  I remember thinking, "Gosh I can't wait until I'm not scared anymore so I can sleep."  When I got into my pre-teen years I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and panic disorder.  When I first went on medications I slept for a while, it was great but it didn't last forever.  I have no clue what causes it now.  What ever it is, I feel like I am starting to go mad.

I feel like I have tried everything to solve it.  Sleeping pills, staying awake all day with no naps, meditation, yoga, essential oils, switching and or going off medications, getting up when I wake up, staying in bed when I wake up, cutting out caffiene, staying off electronics, regular exercise, teas, herbal remedies.... the list could probably go on.  Nothing works, not even for a little while.  My mom gave me one of her ambiens to try a few years ago.  That, was a mistake.  I didn't get tired, I just layed in bed and hallucinated.  It's a funny story, but that shows the severity of what I deal with.

It's hard living this way.  I feel really hopeless.  I'm running out of things that keep me entertained while the world is asleep.  I spend a lot of time alone because of the fact that I can't sleep like a normal person does.  I want to cry every time I wake up in the middle of the night, or suddenly get so tired during the afternoon it's nearly impossible to stay awake.  I wish there was a solution.  I don't want to keep going like this.

[terniblood]

Tonight's Dinner!

I don't always cook for my boyfriend and I... Okay I'll admit that most of the time I don't cook for my boyfriend and I, I don't like the whole... house girlfriend idea, but tonight I am!  Why?  Because I'm hungry and craving something specific.  So, what are we eating? Well when I cook it's usually some form of pasta.  So following tradition that's what I'm making tonight.  I'm making something I've never made before and I hope it turns out. It's pasta with a home made spinach sauce.  It's simple. Just steam a bag of spinach or in my case boil it, put it in the blender with a pint of cream. yes, cream. I know healthy right?  But I figure that all the spinach and whole wheat pasta will balance it out a little. Put the blended sauce in a pan and heat it with parmesian or asiago cheese.  That's as far as my mom told me to go with it anyway.  I will probably add a clove of garlic and some olive oil, pan fry up some mushrooms and throw them in there.  I like variety in my food.... and I love mushrooms and olive oil. So there you go. Cody had to have meat in it of course so we got some spicy saugage that I'll cook up and put in his, I'll probably pass but when I get there I might change my mind.  Cody is a super picky eater so I hope that he likes this.  *Crosses fingers*  He's liked everything else I've made so far, although most of the time I have to skip a lot of the stuff I put in mine so he'll actually eat it, but tonight I'm doing everything exactly the same, so I hope tonight is no different!  Maybe I'll talk about how it went.  Wish me luck!

[terniblood]

Introducing Myself

Hello my name is Terni, pronouced "tear", like a tear in your pants, and "knee". Tear-Knee. Terni.  I'm 19 years old, living with my boyfriend, Cody and four dogs. My life would be dull if it wasn't for these five. I will post about them a lot I'm sure.  This is very likely to turn into a dog blog.  I come from a musical family, and I myself sing, play guitar and piano and I also draw pretty well.  Cody and I would like to leave here, that is our basement apartment at my mom's house and live on the road.  "Full-Timing."  We plan on leaving early summer, that is, if we can figure out how to go but more on that on another post.  So, I will see how this goes, see if anyone will be interested in my regular old life, and see if I can get advice for my plans and dreams as well as help other people out if I can. Well that's it for now, take care!