Terrell Explains It All

FTM life, Relationships, Love, whatever.

[terrellexplainsitall]

FINALLY!!! I got my top surgery letter yesterday 10-19-2023!!!

[terrellexplainsitall]

It’s been a journey so far frfr. Life has thrown quite a few wrenches in my plans but here I am strong as ever. Moved back home to Green Bay, WI. Love bein back. Quite a bit of progress on my facial hair coming in.

[terrellexplainsitall]

Today is day 1. The journey begins.

[terrellexplainsitall]

It’s been a couple years. A major difference

[terrellexplainsitall]

Day to day gets dreary,

With my life I’m somewhat leary,

Born to a name I don’t know,

A prisoner in my own body-is this death row,

I retreat into myself,

People want to put my real gender on a shelf,

I will not allow this to be,

I will be authentically me.

[terrellexplainsitall]

You grew up in Wisconsin in the 90s if you sold these. https://www.instagram.com/p/CdjSyLYJwzWhV-RzMrPJ_nz0BbqlML5q6HAkCo0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[terrellexplainsitall]

[terrellexplainsitall]

[terrellexplainsitall]

Today is day 1. The journey begins.

[terrellexplainsitall]

Why would God do this to me?!?!

When I think often times in my mind being ftm I get furious with God. Growing up I was always told that God was loving and caring and that he never made a mistake.

I beg to differ with that because I feel like I am a mistake. I feel like God hates my soul, he hates me in particular and that to punish me for all my past lives that he has put me in this body for this life as a prison.

Growing up I always tried to do everything I was supposed to do. I never went to a single party all through school. I got good grades. Didn’t give my parents any trouble. I didn’t know what transgender was I just thought something was wrong with me. So I thought if I did enough right that it would go away. It didn’t.

Years later I have the name for it and it’s still here. I’m transgender and now that I know that like I’m trying to figure out what’s covered and what isn’t on my insurance and I’m just left here like wtf?!?!

My fiancé doesn’t understand the mental side of my head and I try to explain certain things and she tries to get it but not many trans resources are offered in our area because it’s so small and we live on the damn Bible Belt.

Like we will be walking outta Walmart and old people will stare probably thinking damn lesbians and I’m just like ugh nooooo straight people like y’all.

[terrellexplainsitall]

Past

What is your past

But a mistake

A time in your life

From a lesson you must take

You don’t like to pay for yours

Continuously every single day

Yet you hang me for mine

In the littlest of ways

My past is but that

From which I don’t want to return

It isn’t something that I

Continuously mourn

I don’t miss my exes

Nor the the places I have ran

Here I sit with you-building

A future in our hands

A ring I give you to symbolize

A love for which I see no end

Your name I pledge to you

On a piece of my

Earthly skin

To you it may be old

but to me it is new

Something you don’t understand

Because in my mind I’m not Brooke

I’m Terrell a person others others not knew

I’m not running to bars

I’m not drinking all hours

I’m staying at home trying to be a

Husband and a father

You see I want a life with you

I couldn’t possibly conceive

in my head back then

I wasn’t ready

I was a boy not a man

So for you to make me pay for things

I’m obviously no longer

Of course make me hurt and do bother

It’s like when they tell you

You’re gonna slip up and get high

But that’s ok cuz I’m a guy

You’re the one who’s hurt so it’s ok

I don’t hurt just like you

Wrong even men can hurt too.

Especially when we continuously prove

We have changed and we aren’t our past selves

That’s an old book

Why can’t we leave that on the shelf

[cutepetsuwu]

Cat got stoned to that

[transftmthoughts]

Important Things I learned about my body after getting top Surgery:

- If your drains are putting out too much blood, over more than the amount stated on your release papers, seek medical help.  - If one or both sides of your chest begins to swell all of a sudden and turn blue/purple, go to the hospital. You probably developed a reaction to the surgery and gained a hematoma.  - If you’re experiencing a heavy amount of pain, more than the usual amount stated by your doctor, seek medical help.  - Make sure after you remove your drains after a week of surgery, you wear your binder at least 2-3 more weeks to prevent a seroma.  - If wearing a binder becomes too painful to the point where you can’t move, take it off, it might help with the pressure. Also contact your doctor to let them know what you’re feeling.  - Take it easy. You will feel dizzy and weak after surgery and it’s important you get some rest and don’t over exert yourself.  - Even if you’re feeling weak, don’t lie in bed all day. It’s important you walk at least once a day to help with your healing process. If you feel too tired to walk, have someone walk with you.  - Anesthesia will make you feel drowsy, dizzy and nauseas. It’s normal to throw up after surgery or for your throat to hurt a little since you had a tube in it during surgery. 

Important Things to know after your bandages come off within a week after Surgery:

- Your nipples might be black after your bandages are taken off. That’s normal and they will heal and turn to their normal color.  - It is important to wash and clean your nipples and wounds/scars to prevent infection and help with your healing process. (Use alcohol wipes to help with that)  - Shower with a non scented soap/sensitive skin soap/anti-bacterial soap on your chest area.  - It’s important after you shower that you put polysporin ointment on your nipples and/or scars to help them heal properly and prevent infection. After you do that bandage them up with a big bandaid. Continue this process until your nipples are fully healed.  - Don’t be scared if your chest feels completely numb or has lost it’s feeling. It will come back once you are healed and it will take some time.  - Because of your numbness, you might experience light to heavy pain. Ask your doctor for Gabapentin medication. (It might be right for you) It’s for relieving nerve pain/damage. 

Regardless of who you are, everyone experiences surgery differently. You might have an easy surgery and recover within the first month or a difficult surgery that requires medical attention after because of complications. Not every body is the same so keep on eye on yours. 

[terrellexplainsitall]

You

It’s not just you who’s depressed.

It’s not just you who feels pain.

It’s not just you who feels lost sometimes.

It’s not just you who mourns.

It’s not just you.

Maybe we all forget that.

[terrellexplainsitall]

I’m bad at love...that’s how I feel

[terrellexplainsitall]

😑 fuckkkkkkkk. Different life yet?

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“You can’t just hope for happy endings. You have to believe in them. Then do the work, take the risks.”

—

Nora Roberts

[sonsyejin-deactivated20210429]

Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket in Mockingjay - Part 2 (2015)