TW: Death & grief
God, this year has been something else. I told a friend that it feels like 2020 was a dress-rehearsal for this year. And not just because of the fact the world is in chaos.
In the space of 8 weeks all of this happened...
-I had my surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I didn't want to do it, but I live in the U.S. & was terrified that I might get pregnant & have my seventh early term loss.
-Mom passed from cancer. Our relationship was complicated to say the least. I went no contact with her in October of 2021. I'd already mourned the loss of relationship, but I've been surprised by just how hard this still hit me.
-Dad passed in his sleep 12 or 13 days after mom died. We're not sure which day he passed, there's not quite 48 hours between the last time someone spoke with him & him being found. While mom's death wasn't a shock, dad's certainly was. He was in good health, but I think losing mom broke his heart.
-My dog, Krypto got diagnosed with stage 4 oral cancer. It was fast & aggressive (poor dog was growing tumors like they were tribbles). Not quite two weeks after he was diagnosed, he was in such bad shape, putting him down was the kindest option.
-Not quite two weeks after Krypto died, my aunt took my folks' cat to the vet due to breathing issues that were rapidly getting worse. The cat had been living with her since dad died. It was also diagnosed with cancer & ended up being put down. I only met the cat once (mom got it after I went no contact), so the grief I feel over it isn't as strong, but because of all the other deaths that happened, it hit me harder than I would've expected.
I am not doing great. I'm still here, but functionality is low. I do what I absolutely have to do everyday, but even that is a struggle.
I haven't been able to write. I keep trying & it's not happening. I did start having a couple ideas percolate last night for a few different Apothecary Diaries fics, but I have a pile of unfinished fics already. I really shouldn't put yet another unfinished story out there. Maybe I'll try doing a one-shot of one of the ideas. We'll see.
Grief is weird & sucks big time. I cycle between anger, sadness, nihilism, apathy, & numbness. Sometimes the feelings cycle so fast it feels like they're all happening simultaneously. I'm exhausted. I haven't had any appetite since February 4th (the day mom died). It took me until halfway through March to be able to eat anything without my stomach completely rebelling at the thought of putting food in my mouth. I'm now able to eat a tiny amount every day (and by tiny I mean a packet of saltines or a few apple slices), but still have no appetite.
Anyway, I'm still here. I'm a complete disaster, but I'm still here